Explaining Terminology, Part Two

TW: discussion of sex and romance

In my post explaining the difference between sex, gender, assigned sex, and gender expression, I also promised that I would talk about sexuality. Today I'm going to fulfill that promise.

In this post, we'll be covering libido, sexual attraction, romantic attraction, how it's possible to date and/or have sex (and enjoy those things) as an asexual or aromantic, and different sexual and romantic identities.

Libido and sexual attraction both have to do with hormones. The difference is that libido is simply one's body desiring sexual stimulation, whether through masturbating or partnered sex. Libido can be triggered by erotica, visual porn, fetishes, kinks...or actual people. When actual people trigger one's libido, inciting a desire to have partnered or group sex with said actual people, sexual attraction occurs.

In short, libido is your body going "Now!" whereas sexual attraction is your body going "This person!"

This doesn't mean that asexuals can't have and enjoy sex, however (though no one, asexual or otherwise, should ever be pressured into having sex). Asexuals have body parts that can be sexually stimulated, and many of us have libidos and enjoy masturbating...which doesn't give you permission to ask if we do, of course. That's none of your business.

Asexuals can love sex. Asexuals can get turned on, though not all of us do. Asexuals can be promiscuous. There are even asexual kinksters, and an entire sub-community of asexual fetishists (they're called AceFets). Some of these people are gray-ace, others aren't. They are often referred to as "sex positive", but a better term that's begun to crop up in the ace community is "sex favorable".

 I, personally, prefer this term - I don't consider myself sex favorable, but I am involved in the sex positive feminist movement. I don't have to want sex for myself in order to respect other people's bodily autonomy and join in the fight for their sexual liberation.

Moving on to romance.

I don't really understand romance as well as most people, for obvious reasons. But I've seen friends interact with their romantic partners, and I've asked questions.

When you get a crush, it's...you get giddy, and think about them all the time, and just the thought of them makes you smile or laugh. You want to be around them all the time, you might want to kiss them or cuddle them and go on dates with them. There's apparently also dizziness and butterflies in your stomach, and you occasionally blurt out ridiculous things. Weird, right?

A squish, or platonic crush, to me, is just...you also feel giddy...but it's more like pure happiness and warmth about being in the company of a friend. They make you feel happy and good about yourself, and you want to do the same for them. You just want to be emotionally intimate with them and get closer to them, in a non-romantic way (called a QP relationship). But that's just my experience with my own squishes, and feel free to talk about yours in the comments below.

An aro (or someone on the aromantic spectrum) who doesn't experience squishes is called aplatonic, or "apl" (pronounced like apple). A lot of people argue that aplatonic people are actually just straight cis people who want to invade queer spaces. This isn't true - aplatonic identity is exclusive to the aromantic community (though not all aros are aplatonic), which is already queer by virtue of not being heteroromantic. One can not be aplatonic if they are not also aro. Therefore, all apl people are queer (if they wish to label themselves as such).

Aros can date, though not all of us do. For example, truly romantic dating makes me uncomfortable, though I do get occasional crushes. For aros who do date, though, dating is about their partner's romantic attraction to them, their platonic attraction to their partner, and the sexual attraction between them both.

Sexual and romantic orientation don't always match up.

 The most accurate term for me, strictly speaking, would probably be gray-biromantic and gray-pansexual...I don't particularly care what gender the people I find physically attractive are, but I have never, as far as I know, gotten a crush on a boy (only on girls and nonbinary people, and even those crushes don't exactly happen frequently). I assume that I could get a crush on a boy, but I don't really know and therefore can't truly say that gender doesn't matter to me in romance, the way it doesn't in my sexuality. I often identify as either gray-a (a term I use for both my sexual and romantic orientation) or bi, depending on the situation, but gray-pansexual and gray-biromantic is more accurate in some ways.

And there's a name for people like me, whose sexual and romantic orientations don't match up: varioriented.

It's possible to be homoromantic and asexual. It's possible to be heteroromantic and bisexual. It's possible to be aromantic and heterosexual, panromantic and bisexual, biromantic and homosexual, polyromantic and demisexual, aromantic and gray-asexual, akoiromantic and pansexual, etc. All of those are varioriented identities.

It's also possible to be aromantic and asexual, homoromantic and homosexual, biromantic and bisexual, panromantic and pansexual, heteroromantic and heterosexual, demiromantic and demisexual, etc. These are all perioriented identities.

So in a world where identity can be so diverse, how do we explain the difference between sexual and romantic attraction?

The best way I've found to explain that is that romantic attraction is whom you would be willing to date without sex. Sexual attraction is whom you want to bang. Are we clear on this? Good.

If your identity is heteroromantic and heterosexual, if you are allosexual and alloromantic (meaning you're not on the ace/aro spectrum), and especially if you are cisgender, you benefit from what's called straight privilege. That means, basically, that because of your straightness, you are seen as a more important, more natural and special, and more morally sound person than if you had not been straight. You are able to get married in every country, you will never face violence or abuse for your sexuality, your autonomy and right to seek sexual and romantic fulfillment on your own terms are never questioned, you will never face housing or employment discrimination for being straight, and the people who matter most to you have probably been correctly assuming your sexuality for your entire life.

Straight people, you have a ton of unearned benefits just because you experience attraction in the ways that strangers have arbitrarily decided you should, and you benefit from that at the expense of LGBQA people. That doesn't make you a bad person, erase the ways in which you are oppressed, or mean your life is perfect, but recognizing your privilege and taking steps to dismantle it is something that you probably need to work on - especially if you are also cis.

Here are some ways in which straight people are privileged (yes, I got lazy while looking for privilege lists, dammit).

Okay, let's move on to identity prefixes for sexual and romantic orientations.

Homo- Attraction to one's own gender, and only (or predominantly, in the case of homoflexible people) their same gender. Commonly called gay or lesbian. A woman who is exclusively attracted to people she reads as women is a lesbian. A man who is exclusively attracted to people he reads as men is gay.

Bi- Attraction to at least two genders; attraction to genders similar and different from one's own.

Pan- Attraction to all genders, or attraction regardless of gender.

Poly- Attraction to at least three genders.

Demi- Attraction only after an intense emotional bond, whether platonic or romantic, has occurred

A- lack of attraction.

Hetero- Attraction to the "opposite gender" only or predominantly (in the case of heteroflexible people). A heterosexual man is only attracted to people he reads as women, and a heterosexual woman is only attracted to people she reads as men.

Woma/gyne- Attraction to women.

Ma/andro- Attraction to men.

Gray- Attraction that is in the "gray area" between  allosexual and asexual, or alloromantic and aromantic; attraction that occurs very rarely.

Akoi/Lith- Attraction, but without any intrinsic and instinctive desire to form a relationship; attraction that fades once it is reciprocated

Femme- Attraction based on feminine gender expression. Not the same as attraction to women, because not all women are feminine and not every feminine person is a woman.

Masc- Attraction based on masculine gender expression. Not the same as attraction to men, because not all men are masculine and not everyone who is masculine is a man.

Allo- Attraction that is not on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums

Apothi- Repulsion (I.e. sex repulsion, romance repulsion)

Mono - Attraction to only one gender.

Fray- Attraction that fades once an intimate emotional bond is formed (also called 'reverse demi')

Queer- Not a prefix, but an umbrella term for all LGBTQIA identities; a slur that some LGBTQIA people have chosen to reclaim

What Autistic Teens Want You to Know

Wow, the month flew by. I almost didn't do this post for Autism Acceptance Month (I like that name better). But it's finished just in time.

So here is what autistic teenagers want you to know:

1. I wish people would understand how my brain works a little better. I mean, I know this isn’t true for all autistic people, but for me, my brain works a little like a computer. Computers are good with codes. I’m good with languages, science, and math because those are like codes to me. I learn them in ways that make sense to me. If you ask me to explain algebra or Latin, I will do that in a way that makes sense to me. Computers are not good with emotion. I’m not a robot and I have feelings and can empathize, but I don’t know how to show emotion toward others in a way that makes sense to allistics and doesn’t involve touching/hugging. Computers get overloaded and glitch when you try to make them process too many things. When I’m overloaded, I rock back and forth, curl up in a ball, cry, can’t talk (other than swear words interestingly  ), can’t make eye contact, pull my hair, get nauseous, etc. And if I’m forced to talk or interact, I won’t be able to think clearly and will probably say or do something that I’ll later regret. If you get in my face and I feel threatened when I’m overloaded, I can even be physically violent (i.e. pushing, shoving, scratching) and will do whatever is necessary to get you away from me. And I wish that more people understood that I am human. My brain may work like a computer, but that doesn’t make me a robot.
2. No, i don’t appreciate being baby talked at and called 'cute' when i stutter or misunderstand something, would you like me doing that to you?
3. That it’s a lot less like the idea they have of us being “developmentally slow” allistics and more like we’re an entirely different neurotype. Cats are not “developmentally slow” dogs. They will never be dogs. They are cats and that is okay. We do not have to try to turn cats into dogs, you know? Just as a metaphor. Different computer operating systems is another good one.
4. That we don’t need to be cured. That being autistic isn’t the end of the world, something we need to be pitied for. That we’re not a massive burden on others that need to be eradicated, and maybe if we were just listened to and understood, people wouldn’t look at us as a burden anyway. If there wasn’t such a stigma around us saying we were bad or troublesome things would be easier for both us and the people who are convinced we’re bad.
5. There is more than one way to be intelligent. All of those ways are valid.
6. I wish allistics knew that I’m not ‘shy’ at all. I actually have difficulty speaking around lots of people – I’m not afraid of what they’ll think or me or anything like that.
7.  I wish allistics knew that sensory overload is not just 'getting overly annoyed.' It is literal hell.
8. I wish allistics knew that just because I’m not nonverbal or externally screaming when something goes a little bit off, that doesn’t mean I’m not autistic.
9. I'm aro ace and I wish they knew that being autistic doesn't invalidate my queerness. Not all autists are aromantic or asexual, and not all aro aces are autistic. Autistic people, including me, can and do form meaningful relationships. They might be platonic, they might be romantic, they might be sexual, they might not - but they are meaningful. And I'm not aromantic or asexual BECAUSE of my autism, so don't even ask - not to mention, it's super rude to ask someone's 'reasons' for their identity.
10. I wish they understood that my verbal communication abilities (or even written and non-verbal, but to a lesser extent) vary from day to day and even hour to hour. I’m tired of hearing 'but you were talking just fine yesterday' on days when i can barely communicate or not communicate at all.

And here's what I want you to know: Allistics, I don't consider your ways of communicating any more valid than mine. I don't consider your experiences any more valid - especially when it comes to autism; when it comes to autism your opinions and experiences are completely irrelevant. I will not change to accommodate you. I will demand respect and equality. I will not be cured.

And to neurotypicals specifically: You are not the center of the universe.

Survey Results (Thus Far)

Responses to the Allosexism and Amatonormativity Survey:

Demographics:

• 44.4% of respondents are asexual
• 22.2% of respondents are gray-asexual
• 5.6% of respondents are demisexual
• 11.1% of respondents are bisexual
• 11.1% of respondents are heterosexual
• 5.6% of respondents are an unlisted orientation

• 55.6% of respondents are aromantic
• 27.8% of respondents are gray-aromantic
• 5.6% of respondents are demiromantic
• 5.6% of respondents are homoromantic
• 5.6% are an unlisted romantic orientation

• 77.8% of respondents had been assigned female at birth
• 28.6% of female-assigned respondents are women and girls
• 14.3% of female-assigned respondents are agender
• 35.7% of female-assigned respondents are genderfluid
• 14.3% of female-assigned respondents are part of an unlisted gender(s)
• 22.2% of respondents had been assigned male at birth
• 50% of male-assigned respondents are women and girls
• 25% of male-assigned respondents are agender
• 25% of male-assigned respondents are men and boys

• 22.2% of respondents are Christian
• 27.8% of respondents are atheists
• 5.6% of respondents are agnostic
• 28.6% of respondents belong to an unlisted religion
• 5.6% of respondents are witches
• 5.6% of respondents are Sikhs
• 13.3% of respondents declined to reply to this question

• 88.9% of respondents are white
• 5.6% of respondents are Polynesian
• 5.6% of respondents are Asian

• 20% of respondents reported coming from an abusive, toxic, or destructive family environment

• 6.7% of respondents reported having been sexually abused or raped. The sexual orientation(s) of said respondents are unknown.

• 13.3% of respondents are upper-middle class
• 53.3% of respondents are middle class
• 13.3% of respondents are lower-middle class
• 20% of respondents are poor

• 6.7% of respondents are out to their families
• 40% of respondents are out to their friends
• 6.7% of respondents reject the idea of the closet
• 13.3% of respondents chose an unlisted option
• 33.3% of respondents declined to answer

• 33.3% of respondents are teenagers
• 33.3% of respondents are in their twenties
• 6.7% of respondents are in their thirties
• 36.7% of respondents declined to answer

Allosexism and Amatonormativity

• 58.3% of respondents on the aromantic spectrum had been told that their romantic orientations don't exist
• 72.3% of respondents  had been told their sexual orientations don't exist
• 29.9% of respondents had been called an allosexist slur

• 66.7% of respondents had been overlooked, erased, or silenced in the queer community

• 33.3% of respondents had been told that they were cold or unloving for being on the asexual spectrum
• 6.7% of respondents had experienced corrective rape

Opinions

• 66.7% of respondents believe acephobia is real
• 66.7% of respondents believe arophobia is real
• 66.7% of respondents believe allosexual/alloromantic privilege is real
• 60% of respondents believe the A in the LGBTQIA+ alphabet should not stand for 'ally'

Note that these statistics only indicate people who had taken the survey after I revised the form.

On Being Gray-Panromantic

TW: mentions of pregnancy and genitalia, mentions of queer in-community prejudice, discussion of amatonormativity, cissexism, and heterosexism

Something awesome about realizing you're queer is that, depending on your situation, you learn about things about queer culture that most cishet people would never even consider. You learn new words, like demisexual, genderqueer, and queerplatonic. You learn that there are many different ways to be queer, and the differences between gender and sex, polyamory and threesomes, gender presentation and gender identity, sexual orientation and romantic orientation, sexual orientation and sexual behavior.

You can, in queer spaces, announce that you're not entirely sure what your gender is or that you have two moms or that you're voluntarily having your testes removed or that you sometimes feel like there's a phantom penis between your legs or that you don't have any gender at all, and no one will bat an eye. Talk of pregnant men isn't relegated to speculative fiction; colors, clothing and toys have no gender; no one assumes you're straight when you mention your significant other; polyamory isn't just for Mormons; ranting about which bathroom to use is a thing; and "What are your pronouns?" is a legitimate, important, and (somewhat) normalized question. It's great. (I mean, the queer community is still really fucked-up and allosexist and monosexist and cissexist and kinkphobic and misogynistic and racist in a lot of cases. Still, there are some things that only other queer people understand.)

Of course, everyone's different, but this has been my experience and that of some other queer people I've talked to. I never knew I was genderfluid until I became involved with queer culture because of my bisexuality. I barely knew of gender diversity beyond cis men and cis women, so how was I supposed to understand that there are literally thousands of awesome and beautiful ways to experience gender?

But that's not the topic of this post. The topic of this post is that, since I'm queer, I have mostly queer friends, and I'm pretty active in the community, I have a better understanding of queer culture in relation to romantic and sexual orientation than most. I understand, where most cishet people wouldn't, that sexual orientation and romantic orientation are two different things.

I mean, I'm still not some Guru of Rainbow Wisdom (as awesome as that would be...). Until a gray-romantic friend of mine explained her romantic orientation to me, I had no understanding of what the term gray-romantic meant. I hadn't realized that my general indifference to and bafflement concerning romance (Yes, this includes cis men. I don't want a husband or wife or wubby or kids. I want a platonic life partner who I have sex with without it being weird, a cat because CATS, an apartment in Royal Oak, and some friends' kids that I can occasionally spoil. I can be happy for and even ship alloromantic couples, but I rarely want romance or experience romantic attraction myself and it's sometimes weird or uncomfortable for me to see alloromantic couples being cutesy right in front of me in real life) and lack of initial romantic attraction meant I wasn't biromantic, as I'd originally thought upon realizing I was queer. For people like me, who fall in the gray-area between romantic and aromantic, things aren't so simple.

What being aromantic doesn't mean:

• That I'm unfeeling
• That I can't love (love is more than just romance)
• That any sexual relationship I have, with anyone of any gender or sex, is based on only lust (thus far, I haven't had any sexual relationships with anyone)
• That it's just a Tumblr thing
• That I will never experience romantic love (aromantic identity is a spectrum. Not all aromantics experience being aromantic the same way. However, I have ever really gotten a crush - which, to me, means that I have seriously thought being in a not-totally-platonic relationship with them would be really nice - on two people. The first time, I lost interest pretty quickly and the second time, the person had been someone I'd known and been friends with for awhile. Neither of them have been guys. One person had been nonbinary and the other was a cis girl.)

What being aromantic (gray-panromantic specifically) does mean (this applies to me only because aromantic experiences are very diverse and all aromantics are different):

• That, approximately 90% of the time, I feel no interest in romance
• That I can develop romantic interest in someone whom I've already formed a strong platonic bond with (i.e. if I've been close friends with them for awhile and I feel safe and comfortable around them)
• That I occasionally feel slight romantic attraction, but this doesn't happen often
• That I could have a queerplatonic, quasiplatonic, or romantic relationship and be happy
• That I need to feel completely safe, happy, and comfortable with someone before I can develop romantic attraction to them
• That, when I do develop romantic attraction and/or interest in someone, gender (or lack thereof) doesn't really affect my feelings toward that person.
• That, when I do develop romantic attraction and/or interest, it can be toward someone of any gender (or lack thereof). This, and the bullet immediately above, is why I also label my romantic identity as pan.

And that's pretty much it. Hey, I've used this blog to come out as bisexual, pagan (well, omnist, but I do tend to lean toward paganism on many issues), and genderfluid. Why not as aromantic?