Explaining Terminology, Part Two

TW: discussion of sex and romance

In my post explaining the difference between sex, gender, assigned sex, and gender expression, I also promised that I would talk about sexuality. Today I'm going to fulfill that promise.

In this post, we'll be covering libido, sexual attraction, romantic attraction, how it's possible to date and/or have sex (and enjoy those things) as an asexual or aromantic, and different sexual and romantic identities.

Libido and sexual attraction both have to do with hormones. The difference is that libido is simply one's body desiring sexual stimulation, whether through masturbating or partnered sex. Libido can be triggered by erotica, visual porn, fetishes, kinks...or actual people. When actual people trigger one's libido, inciting a desire to have partnered or group sex with said actual people, sexual attraction occurs.

In short, libido is your body going "Now!" whereas sexual attraction is your body going "This person!"

This doesn't mean that asexuals can't have and enjoy sex, however (though no one, asexual or otherwise, should ever be pressured into having sex). Asexuals have body parts that can be sexually stimulated, and many of us have libidos and enjoy masturbating...which doesn't give you permission to ask if we do, of course. That's none of your business.

Asexuals can love sex. Asexuals can get turned on, though not all of us do. Asexuals can be promiscuous. There are even asexual kinksters, and an entire sub-community of asexual fetishists (they're called AceFets). Some of these people are gray-ace, others aren't. They are often referred to as "sex positive", but a better term that's begun to crop up in the ace community is "sex favorable".

 I, personally, prefer this term - I don't consider myself sex favorable, but I am involved in the sex positive feminist movement. I don't have to want sex for myself in order to respect other people's bodily autonomy and join in the fight for their sexual liberation.

Moving on to romance.

I don't really understand romance as well as most people, for obvious reasons. But I've seen friends interact with their romantic partners, and I've asked questions.

When you get a crush, it's...you get giddy, and think about them all the time, and just the thought of them makes you smile or laugh. You want to be around them all the time, you might want to kiss them or cuddle them and go on dates with them. There's apparently also dizziness and butterflies in your stomach, and you occasionally blurt out ridiculous things. Weird, right?

A squish, or platonic crush, to me, is just...you also feel giddy...but it's more like pure happiness and warmth about being in the company of a friend. They make you feel happy and good about yourself, and you want to do the same for them. You just want to be emotionally intimate with them and get closer to them, in a non-romantic way (called a QP relationship). But that's just my experience with my own squishes, and feel free to talk about yours in the comments below.

An aro (or someone on the aromantic spectrum) who doesn't experience squishes is called aplatonic, or "apl" (pronounced like apple). A lot of people argue that aplatonic people are actually just straight cis people who want to invade queer spaces. This isn't true - aplatonic identity is exclusive to the aromantic community (though not all aros are aplatonic), which is already queer by virtue of not being heteroromantic. One can not be aplatonic if they are not also aro. Therefore, all apl people are queer (if they wish to label themselves as such).

Aros can date, though not all of us do. For example, truly romantic dating makes me uncomfortable, though I do get occasional crushes. For aros who do date, though, dating is about their partner's romantic attraction to them, their platonic attraction to their partner, and the sexual attraction between them both.

Sexual and romantic orientation don't always match up.

 The most accurate term for me, strictly speaking, would probably be gray-biromantic and gray-pansexual...I don't particularly care what gender the people I find physically attractive are, but I have never, as far as I know, gotten a crush on a boy (only on girls and nonbinary people, and even those crushes don't exactly happen frequently). I assume that I could get a crush on a boy, but I don't really know and therefore can't truly say that gender doesn't matter to me in romance, the way it doesn't in my sexuality. I often identify as either gray-a (a term I use for both my sexual and romantic orientation) or bi, depending on the situation, but gray-pansexual and gray-biromantic is more accurate in some ways.

And there's a name for people like me, whose sexual and romantic orientations don't match up: varioriented.

It's possible to be homoromantic and asexual. It's possible to be heteroromantic and bisexual. It's possible to be aromantic and heterosexual, panromantic and bisexual, biromantic and homosexual, polyromantic and demisexual, aromantic and gray-asexual, akoiromantic and pansexual, etc. All of those are varioriented identities.

It's also possible to be aromantic and asexual, homoromantic and homosexual, biromantic and bisexual, panromantic and pansexual, heteroromantic and heterosexual, demiromantic and demisexual, etc. These are all perioriented identities.

So in a world where identity can be so diverse, how do we explain the difference between sexual and romantic attraction?

The best way I've found to explain that is that romantic attraction is whom you would be willing to date without sex. Sexual attraction is whom you want to bang. Are we clear on this? Good.

If your identity is heteroromantic and heterosexual, if you are allosexual and alloromantic (meaning you're not on the ace/aro spectrum), and especially if you are cisgender, you benefit from what's called straight privilege. That means, basically, that because of your straightness, you are seen as a more important, more natural and special, and more morally sound person than if you had not been straight. You are able to get married in every country, you will never face violence or abuse for your sexuality, your autonomy and right to seek sexual and romantic fulfillment on your own terms are never questioned, you will never face housing or employment discrimination for being straight, and the people who matter most to you have probably been correctly assuming your sexuality for your entire life.

Straight people, you have a ton of unearned benefits just because you experience attraction in the ways that strangers have arbitrarily decided you should, and you benefit from that at the expense of LGBQA people. That doesn't make you a bad person, erase the ways in which you are oppressed, or mean your life is perfect, but recognizing your privilege and taking steps to dismantle it is something that you probably need to work on - especially if you are also cis.

Here are some ways in which straight people are privileged (yes, I got lazy while looking for privilege lists, dammit).

Okay, let's move on to identity prefixes for sexual and romantic orientations.

Homo- Attraction to one's own gender, and only (or predominantly, in the case of homoflexible people) their same gender. Commonly called gay or lesbian. A woman who is exclusively attracted to people she reads as women is a lesbian. A man who is exclusively attracted to people he reads as men is gay.

Bi- Attraction to at least two genders; attraction to genders similar and different from one's own.

Pan- Attraction to all genders, or attraction regardless of gender.

Poly- Attraction to at least three genders.

Demi- Attraction only after an intense emotional bond, whether platonic or romantic, has occurred

A- lack of attraction.

Hetero- Attraction to the "opposite gender" only or predominantly (in the case of heteroflexible people). A heterosexual man is only attracted to people he reads as women, and a heterosexual woman is only attracted to people she reads as men.

Woma/gyne- Attraction to women.

Ma/andro- Attraction to men.

Gray- Attraction that is in the "gray area" between  allosexual and asexual, or alloromantic and aromantic; attraction that occurs very rarely.

Akoi/Lith- Attraction, but without any intrinsic and instinctive desire to form a relationship; attraction that fades once it is reciprocated

Femme- Attraction based on feminine gender expression. Not the same as attraction to women, because not all women are feminine and not every feminine person is a woman.

Masc- Attraction based on masculine gender expression. Not the same as attraction to men, because not all men are masculine and not everyone who is masculine is a man.

Allo- Attraction that is not on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums

Apothi- Repulsion (I.e. sex repulsion, romance repulsion)

Mono - Attraction to only one gender.

Fray- Attraction that fades once an intimate emotional bond is formed (also called 'reverse demi')

Queer- Not a prefix, but an umbrella term for all LGBTQIA identities; a slur that some LGBTQIA people have chosen to reclaim

Same-Sex Marriage Is Legal, But...

...We still have damn far to go.

Here are more queer civil rights issues that we can't forget...

1. 40% of homeless youth are queer or trans.
2. Doctors are still mutilating intersex kids.
3. Trans women of color are still being murdered.
4. Corrective rape is still happening.
5. Conversion therapy is still happening.
6. The 'Gay Panic' defense is still legal in 49 out of 50 states.
7. Bi women are still more likely to be physically abused than lesbian or straight women.
8. Trans people are more likely to live in poverty.
9. Bathrooms. Just bathrooms.
10. We still need to fear the police, especially our undocumented people, trans people, poor people, sex workers, and people of color.
11. Undocumented LGBTQ+ people, especially TPOC, still face violence and brutality while imprisoned. Jennicet Gutierrez, anyone?
12. In most states, there's no statewide non-discrimination policy protecting trans people. 
13. In about half, there's also no statewide non-discrimination policy protecting cis queer people, either.
14. There's still people trying to ban youth shelters.
15. Trans teenagers are still committing suicide because of transphobic bullying and abuse.

I'm tired of rich, white, cis gay people forgetting that we do, in fact, still have really far to go.

I Just Loved These Photos

Look at these photos. And these. These ones too. Don't forget about these. And these photos of queer women and men couples of color being in love. So much pride. This makes me smile. It's all so beautiful. Can you feel the pride tonight?

The Pride festivals are over - or just about - but that doesn't mean we can't have pride and love ourselves year-round. And right now, I have so much pride it's making me all choked up. So enjoy.

Songs for Survival

You know how I used music to overcome internalized queerphobia? These are the songs that helped me keep my head up when I couldn't do it on my own.

I know someone will need them. I hope they'll help someone else the way they helped me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhqH-r7Xj0E
She Keeps Me Warm by Mary Lambert

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5_VedjD5Ng'
Same Love remake by Angel Haze

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlRnQ2nj2gk
Come Alive by Janelle Monae

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=49&v=9e9NSMY8QiQ
Closer by Tegan and Sara

Nightmare by Miley Cyrus

Brave by Sara Bareilles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgnHF2CwrPs
I Can Go the Distance by Hercules

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk&spfreload=10
Let It Go by Idina Menzel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzE1mX4Px0I
Who Says by Selena Gomez & The Scene

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ6uoSm4XQU
A Certain Person by Light Asylum

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUFPWW7IqCU
Freak Flag by Shrek the Musical

http://tundeolaniran.com/
Transgressor by Tunde Olaniran (I couldn't find this song on YouTube. Just click the 'Music' tab.)

Sorry for the link weirdness; I can't click the link button on this computer right now because of popups that I'm not sure how to get rid of.

Yay :)

TW: descriptions of panic attack and hypoglycemia-related issues

So it was a good day today.

Last Saturday, my friend accidentally triggered a panic attack (without knowing about my autism) and handled the situation kind of craptastically - and so did I, really. The result was me shoving her because I was freaking out and she was right in my face and I couldn't think rationally, her crying, me crying, me rocking back and forth while curled into a ball, a mutual friend overhearing and worrying about both of us, two adults (that we've known for years and trust) coming to find us and intervening, me being nauseous, me crying uncontrollably in public because I hadn't had a chance to recover and couldn't control myself, me laying lethargically on my bed (we were at youth group retreat) for maybe an hour because I had no energy, and both of us being awkward and irritable and trying to avoid one another.

I'd never had a panic attack in front of any friends before - except for maybe Ella, but I'm not even friends with her anymore so she doesn't count. It was the first time any of them had really ever seen me display any obvious signs of being disabled, let alone any that none of us were able to handle.

But we talked today, if briefly. We were civil and it wasn't horrible. We're making progress.

I had first lunch, which means I ate right after my third class. This is always a good thing for me, because my hypoglycemia gets really bad around 10 AM on school days (Don't tell me to eat breakfast, like my mom has done repeatedly. I know about metabolism. I had an A in biology last year. And I already eat breakfast). That can make the second half of third hour excruciating, and usually by 11 o'clock I feel like I'm about to pass out. 11 o'clock is about fifteen minutes before I usually have a chance to eat...let's just say I'm surprised I've never been sent to the office for falling asleep in class.

But today was different. Today, I had lunch more than half an hour early. For me, having first lunch is always a cause for happiness.

And it became even more of a cause for happiness when I sat down near my fellow geeks - we all kind of band together - and realized that none of my close friends were talking about anything that interested me.

When you're autistic, that can make things really tense and awkward. Especially when you're autistic and one of the people there had recently seen you during a particularly bad panic attack. To try to distract myself, I decided to eavesdrop...and overheard one of the other geeks who was sitting a few yards away talking to their friend.

Practically the first thing I heard was the queer acronym. They included the A. My letter (well, one of them anyway). Cishet kids don't remember the A. Most cishet kids, if they even know it exists, think it stands for ally.

The A does not stand for ally. This is not up for debate. A is for asexual, aromantic, and agender. When someone pretends that A stands for ally, they are erasing asexual, aromantic, and agender people. Even pretending that A stands for ally in addition to asexual, aromantic, and agender is unacceptable because allies choose to be allies and are not oppressed for it, while queer people do not choose to be queer (except for those horrid human beings who choose to be queer for 'political' reasons) and are oppressed for that; claiming that A is for ally trivializes queer experiences. Supporting LGBTQIA+ rights is simply being a decent human being and should be expected. You don't get a cookie for not being awful.

Queer kids remember the A. I wanted to meet these queer kids.

The kid in question, Carla, presents androgynous and I'd assumed (correctly) that they were nonbinary. So I went over to them and their friend, Stephanie, who is also an enby and also uses they/their/them pronouns, and joined the conversation.

It turned out Carla and Stephanie were trying to start up our school's Gay-Straight Alliance (we call it Spectrum Club, but they're basically the same thing) again, which thrilled me to no end. I'd first heard about Spectrum Club last May, a few months after I came out to myself as bi and a few weeks after I'd started questioning if I was also gray-ace (which I was so totally right about), and had wanted desperately to join but figured it was too late in the school year. I'd been dreaming over the summer about signing up this year, only to find out it was canceled.

Now, though...now I have my chance. Yes, I have queer friends already. Yes, I have Skittlr and the rather awesome genderqueer-based group I belong to on Facebook. But even with all the queer positivity I've found since coming out to my dad at age five, I still live my life in this weird world where 'straight until proven otherwise' is somehow logical and accepted, where queer identity and queer humanity are up for debate, where cishets think I'm going through a phase or that my queerness somehow comes from the devil, where I don't always feel free to be myself because sometimes, being myself means that I risk being made to feel embarrassed for aspects of myself that don't fit into the kyriarchy's bigoted idea of normal and acceptable.

So queer safe havens are important. Queer-based clubs in high school are important.

I was delighted to join...and to discuss queer issues with Stephanie and Carla for the duration of lunch time and to celebrate Leelah's Law. I'm surprised the school didn't explode into the colors of a thousand different pride flags.

Then, during art class, I got started on the fantastic new project we're going to be working on with sheet metal. We have to pick out different designs to draw on the metal. We're then going to be turning it into either a key chain or a pendant. I'm making pride art, of course. I love pride art. It's going to be a pendant with the asexual pride flag with an image of a slice of cake on it (cake is a symbol of asexuality because of the joke that if a stripper popped out of a cake, an asexual would be upset that the cake was ruined). And it's going to be awesome.

It was also during this class that I finally acquired a black ring, which I made out of thin, flexible silver wire wrapped in black embroidery thread. I'm wearing it right now and it's hella cute.

The black ring, in case you didn't know, is a symbol of asexuality. There aren't a lot of out asexuals (gray-aces, like myself, are part of the asexual spectrum), partly because many people haven't heard of asexuality or think it's BS and partly because a lot of asexuals hesitate in coming out because of acephobia and widespread societal ignorance surrounding our sexualities. There aren't a lot of ways for asexuals to find one another, whether for romance, friendship, or just to marvel at this incredibly hypersexualized society we live in.

So someone on the online forums of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) decided we needed a way to fix that. Something simple and subtle, that we would get but wasn't widely known to allosexuals. Something affordable. Something that could easily be seen and carried, that wasn't overtly feminine or masculine, that could let us find each other without outing us in a dangerous situation. The solution was a simple black ring around the right middle finger (a black ring on the right hand is also a symbol in swinger culture, which can cause confusion between the two groups; swingers are advised to avoid putting their rings on the middle finger for this reason).

Please note that the black ring is also not a purity ring. Celibate and abstinent people, you already have rings by which to identify each other. They're called chastity rings. Celibacy=/=asexuality. Don't wear the ace ring if you're not on the ace spectrum.

I've wanted a black ring really badly ever since coming out to myself as ace a few weeks ago and decided to make one, which is how I acquire approximately 99.9% of my pride-related things. Christina, who is asexual and not out to her parents, also wants pride stuff and I promised I would get her some. So I made her a black ring too. I'm also making one for our friend Ana, who is gray-ace and also not out to her parents, and some more to give out at Spectrum Club meetings and to sell on Etsy.

I also discovered recently that a very sweet blogger, Betty, who is from Germany, is also bi, and has followed me since the beginning, is now engaged to her boyfriend. I'm happy for her; he makes her happy, he seems like a great guy, and they both deserve life with the people they love.

Also, two former members of my youth group, Stephanie and Mackenzie (a different Stephanie) are getting married this Saturday (and yes, I'm going to the wedding). They were in youth group together in high school and re-met through a mutual friend years later...at which point they started dating. They've been engaged for a few months now, their couple name is either Stephkenzie or MacStephanie (there's been some debate over which one sounds better), and were the ones to introduce the fortune-telling game Kings and Queens to this generation's youth group.

I'll never understand the appeal of romance, but I'm glad these people have found it.

So all in all, it's been a pretty nice day.

Queer, Self-Love, and Feminist Playlist

Love is Not a Sin by the Wild Ponies

Respect by Aretha Franklin

Who Says by Selena Gomez & The Scene

Same Love by Macklemore

Fight Like a Girl by Emilie Autumn (note that many of Emilie's songs, including this one, were based off her real-life experiences in a mental hospital. Also, as a neurodivergent woman, she doesn't have the systemic power to benefit from ableism. And many of her fans, myself included, are disabled. We aren't offended by her lyrics. So don't tell me the portrayal of mental hospitals in this video is ableist. And don't dare hate on Emilie for her clothing choices or having had an abortion either because misogyny really pisses me off.)

Gothic Lolita by Emilia Autumn (trigger warning for rape, victim blaming, and child molestation)

Thank God I'm Pretty by Emilie Autumn (trigger warning for sexual harassment, misogyny, and brief mention of suicide.)

Girl by Destiny's Child

The Gay Song (trigger warning for semi-reclaimed slurs)

Chica de Calendario by Kumbia Queers

Rebel Girl by Bikini Kil

Skyscraper by Demi Lovato

Uprising of Love by Melissa Etheridge

This other playlist of non-romantic love songs that someone made for Aromantic Awareness Week

Shake It Off by Taylor Swift

Fucking Perfect by P!nk
And that's it. I think it's a pretty good list, but I wish I'd found more disabled singers, as well as some trans women singers and some hijabi singers.


Also, Lady Gaga has now been removed from the list for transphobic and intersexphobic comments.

Survey Results (Thus Far)

Responses to the Allosexism and Amatonormativity Survey:

Demographics:

• 44.4% of respondents are asexual
• 22.2% of respondents are gray-asexual
• 5.6% of respondents are demisexual
• 11.1% of respondents are bisexual
• 11.1% of respondents are heterosexual
• 5.6% of respondents are an unlisted orientation

• 55.6% of respondents are aromantic
• 27.8% of respondents are gray-aromantic
• 5.6% of respondents are demiromantic
• 5.6% of respondents are homoromantic
• 5.6% are an unlisted romantic orientation

• 77.8% of respondents had been assigned female at birth
• 28.6% of female-assigned respondents are women and girls
• 14.3% of female-assigned respondents are agender
• 35.7% of female-assigned respondents are genderfluid
• 14.3% of female-assigned respondents are part of an unlisted gender(s)
• 22.2% of respondents had been assigned male at birth
• 50% of male-assigned respondents are women and girls
• 25% of male-assigned respondents are agender
• 25% of male-assigned respondents are men and boys

• 22.2% of respondents are Christian
• 27.8% of respondents are atheists
• 5.6% of respondents are agnostic
• 28.6% of respondents belong to an unlisted religion
• 5.6% of respondents are witches
• 5.6% of respondents are Sikhs
• 13.3% of respondents declined to reply to this question

• 88.9% of respondents are white
• 5.6% of respondents are Polynesian
• 5.6% of respondents are Asian

• 20% of respondents reported coming from an abusive, toxic, or destructive family environment

• 6.7% of respondents reported having been sexually abused or raped. The sexual orientation(s) of said respondents are unknown.

• 13.3% of respondents are upper-middle class
• 53.3% of respondents are middle class
• 13.3% of respondents are lower-middle class
• 20% of respondents are poor

• 6.7% of respondents are out to their families
• 40% of respondents are out to their friends
• 6.7% of respondents reject the idea of the closet
• 13.3% of respondents chose an unlisted option
• 33.3% of respondents declined to answer

• 33.3% of respondents are teenagers
• 33.3% of respondents are in their twenties
• 6.7% of respondents are in their thirties
• 36.7% of respondents declined to answer

Allosexism and Amatonormativity

• 58.3% of respondents on the aromantic spectrum had been told that their romantic orientations don't exist
• 72.3% of respondents  had been told their sexual orientations don't exist
• 29.9% of respondents had been called an allosexist slur

• 66.7% of respondents had been overlooked, erased, or silenced in the queer community

• 33.3% of respondents had been told that they were cold or unloving for being on the asexual spectrum
• 6.7% of respondents had experienced corrective rape

Opinions

• 66.7% of respondents believe acephobia is real
• 66.7% of respondents believe arophobia is real
• 66.7% of respondents believe allosexual/alloromantic privilege is real
• 60% of respondents believe the A in the LGBTQIA+ alphabet should not stand for 'ally'

Note that these statistics only indicate people who had taken the survey after I revised the form.

The Truth About Conversion Therapy

Pray the Gay Away - EXPOSED

This is Laci Green's video on conversion therapy. Please just watch.

On Realizing I'm Asexual

Okay, yes, I already came out as bisexual. And I know I'm bisexual, that much is obvious.

Which makes the confirmation that I'm also gray-a extra confusing. I mean, I know about the gray-ace spectrum. I started wondering if I was asexual last year and opened up about it on a few queer youth forums about the fact that while I experience sexual attraction, I rarely ever have the desire to actually have sex. I have turn-ons, fantasies, other things that I won't go into here because I have family reading this blog...ahem.

There's some dispute in the ace community over whether you can still be asexual if you do sexual things, which is why I pretty much put the possibility out of my mind a few months back. The whole awkward questioning-my-sexuality thing only started up again when I joined a group for arospec (aromantic spectrum) people on Skittlr and realized how much I related to what the other gray-asexuals in the group said about their sexual orientation.

Like them, I...

• don't like being touched in ways that I don't initiate and control (i.e. hugs with anyone other than close friends and family members, shaking hands)
• have a libido, but about half the time, it's not actually directed at anyone
• am usually apathetic and disinterested toward actually having sex, despite experiencing sexual attraction and doing sexual things
• have turn-ons and fantasies, but am more attracted by these things than by actual people
• only want to actually have sex in very specific situations
• am confused by how much allosexuals seem to want sex
• have a distaste for body fluid (especially other people's. I mean, ew.)
• sometimes have trouble differentiating between sexual and aesthetic attraction

So, yes, I'm asexual.

I'm also bi. The labels I use for my sexuality are pretty varied: queer, gay, lesbian, bi, pan, ace, gray-a, gray-bisexual, gray-pansexual. I'm all of them.

The labels might change...or they might not, but the only one who gets to define who I am is me. There's no rule that says I can't change my mind, and having spent a lot of time interacting with the queer community, I know how complex our sexualities can be and how the terms we use to identify ourselves can change with our level of self-understanding. Even I get confused by my sexuality sometimes. But then I also get this sense of pride and self-love (it's a queer thing; you'd have to be one of us to get it) and I just laugh at how ridiculously complicated and awesome sexuality can be. And despite all the homophobic, sapphobic, acephobic, arophobic, and transphobic crap I've experienced in this awkward and fantastic journey that happened ever since I realized that liking all genders but not wanting sex meant I probably wasn't straight - no, ever since I tried to come out to my dad as transgender at five years old - I feel like it's been worth it and that being queer is amazing. And it is. Despite everything, it is.

If anyone wants to learn more about asexuality, check out these resources from the intersectional magazine Everyday Feminism:

Debunking 5 Common Myths About Asexuality

How Does Asexual Dating Work?

How Asexuality Is More Complicated Than You Think

(For Latin@ asexuals) How Latina 'Spicy and Sexy' Stereotypes Hurt Asexual Latinas

Let Them Eat Cake: On Being Demisexual

Sh*t People Say to Asexuals

...and also these:

The Person Who Sent You This Is Asexual

(A)Sexual Story (note that some things here don't apply to me, as the man featured in the video is on a different place on the asexual spectrum than I, and also because he's intended to be older than seventeen...I'd guess he's around nineteen or twenty)

Asexual: Yes, We Do Masturbate

What It's Like to Be Asexual

No Sex?! - Asexuality

You can also go to Tumblr and ask the asexual bloggers some questions. I recommend my friend Christina, who is also aro ace. There are a lot of stereotypes about queer youth on Tumblr, but actually, we're pretty helpful and friendly, and willing to answer questions as long as you're polite. The terms we use for our sexual and romantic orientations and gender identities might confuse you, but honestly, just ask. I would so rather people just asked me questions about my queerness than came up with all these really weird stereotypes for themselves.

And no, these queer identities aren't just "made up." I mean, I'm basically a walking, talking Tumblr queer stereotype - gray-biromantic, gray-bisexual, and genderqueer - and yet, I exist. I'm real. These other bloggers are, too.

Some Things Christian Conservatives Don't Know About Being Queer

 Because, contrary to what you seem to think, you do not know more about queerness than actual queer people.

1. Sexual and romantic orientation don't always match up.

Sexual orientation is, simply put, who you are sexually attracted to and interested in. If you are a woman who is sexually attracted only to men, or primarily to men and occasionally to nonbinary people, you are heterosexual. If you are a man who is sexually attracted only to men, or primarily to men and occasionally to nonbinary people (see number two), you are homosexual. If you are attracted to your own gender - or lack thereof - as well as at least one other gender, you are bisexual. If you are attracted to multiple genders but not necessarily your own, you are polysexual. If you are attracted to an infinite number of genders or gender doesn't matter to you in sexual attraction, you are pansexual. If you experience little to no sexual attraction or have little to no desire to be in a sexual relationship, you are asexual.

Romantic orientation is...basically sexual attraction, but instead of or in addition to being sexual, the attraction is romantic. A heteroromantic woman is romantically attracted only/primarily to men, a heteroromantic man is a man who is romantically attracted only/primarily to women, a homoromantic woman is romantically attracted only/primarily to women, a homoromantic man is romantically attracted only/primarily to men, a biromantic person is romantically attracted to their own gender and others, and so on and so forth.

It is therefore possible to, for example, be both aroflux lesbian and gray-bisexual, like me; or a lesbian and autochorissexual, like Freyja. It's also possible to be bisexual and heteroromantic or homoromantic, homosexual and heteroromantic or biromantic, asexual and panromantic, pansexual and aromantic, and so on and so forth.

And it's also possible to be heterosexual and homoromantic, heterosexual and biromantic, heterosexual and panromantic, and so on and so forth. In other words, it is in fact possible for a queer couple to have romance but not sex. Or sex but not romance. Or both romance and sex. Or, hey, maybe even neither sex nor romance (queer relationships are incredibly diverse). So next time you assume being queer is just about lust and selfishness (I have actually heard this before. Poor brainwashed Christian), you might want to consider that maybe, just maybe, they might actually be not sexually attracted to their same gender at all. And if they are? It's none of your fucking business. Pun intended.

2. Sexuality can be fluid and ridiculously complicated.

3. America is not a Christian nation. We do not have to give a damn what the Bible says.

4. Asexuality is not just about plants.

5. Platonic love is just as strong as romantic love, just as valid, and just as important. We live in a culture where romantic relationships (especially hetero ones) are promoted above platonic relationships as superior, the default, and more desirable. This hurts aromantic people, or aros, who are often called broken or told that they just need to find that magical 'special someone'...who will of course be the opposite of their perceived gender.

You know who that 'special someone' is for me? My friends and family. And I can't understand why anyone would consider my platonic love for the people in my life to be inferior to romantic love, something that baffles me and frankly seems like some sort of strange disease, when I would die for the people I love.

Yes, there is a girl I'm romantically interested in right now...but my feelings for her fluctuate between romantic-and-wanting-to-do-romantically-coded-things and platonic-but-still-wanting-to-do-romantically-coded-things. And neither my romantic feelings nor my platonic feelings for her are inferior. No one is required to be queer in a way that makes YOU comfortable.

So take your amatonormativity and heteronormativity and stuff it up your collective ass. Aros aren't interested.

6. There are femme lesbian and bi women and masculine gay and bi men.

7. Femininity does not necessarily connote womanhood. Masculinity does not necessarily connote manhood. There are feminine, androgynous, and masculine nonbinary people.

Only decades ago, pink was marketed as a masculine color while blue was feminine.

Only about two hundred years ago, lace was androgynous.

Before the 1950s and '60s, it was the norm in literature for straight, cisgender (non-trans) men to be emotionally open and to have close, intimate, platonic, nonsexual friendships with each other. Just like it's the norm in modern literature for cishet women today.

There are still countries around the world where cishet men wear flowers and dresses, and no one thinks of them as not 'real men.'

Therefore, contemporary Western gender roles are completely arbitrary. There is no such thing as 'women's clothing' or 'men's clothing.' There is only clothing. Clothing's only gender is that of the person wearing it.

8.There are trans lesbians (women who were assigned male at birth and who are attracted, sexually, romantically, or both, to women and feminine folks) and trans gay men (men who were assigned female at birth and who are attracted to men and masculine folks).

9. Polyamory is, in fact, a traditional form of relationship. Even by Biblical standards. Seriously. Look in that thing. Your singular 'one cishet man/one cishet woman' definition of a loving relationship or marriage is ridiculous and hypocritical.

10. "I'm worried about you" is not a compliment. Concern trolling is not a compliment. Trying to 'save' us is not a compliment. Not respecting our preferred pronouns and names, in the case of trans and genderqueer people, is not a compliment.

What you're doing when you tell your queer loved one - and it's almost certain that you have one - that you "worry" for their soul is saying that the way they are isn't good enough, isn't satisfactory, is unsettling...for you. What you're doing when you email Bible verses to their Gmail or spam their Facebook account is telling them not only that you honestly believe these things will happen to them if they don't conform to your expectations, but that you think they deserve it. What you're doing is ensuring that they will almost pass out from a panic attack the first time they tentatively come out, even to someone they trust and love; that they will sometimes have dark moments in which they hate themselves and irrationally wonder if you were right the whole time; ensuring that they will self-harm; that they, like Leelah Alcorn, might walk out into the street and allow themselves to be run over because whatever happens after death has got to be better than living in a conversion therapy-, abuse- and harassment-induced hell on Earth. What you're saying is that they are disgusting, demeaning, less than human.

When you teach someone to hate themselves, it's going to have some pretty nasty effects.

Just ask Leelah.

11. 'Loving homosexuals but hating homosexuality' is still homophobia.

It doesn't matter that you just want to help.

It doesn't matter that you just want to save them.

It doesn't matter what your intent was.

What matters is what actually happens.

Now shut up, walk away, and try to empathize. Before you have their blood on your hands.

12. We know ourselves and our lived experiences better than you do. Trust what we say about our identities, because we sure as hell know more than your straight, cisgender parents and straight, cisgender pastor and everything you have ever read or heard that says we are sinful or disgusting.

13. Teresa Siagatonu, Denise Frohman, Wonder Dave, Ollie Renee Schminkey, Sierra DeMulder, Wyatt Kat Fleckenstein, and Chad Michael have something to say to you.

14. So does Macklemore. (There's a line in here that's a bit amatonormative, but he has a point.)

15. And lastly, there is, in fact, a queer agenda: equality.

So You Think You Might Be Queer

My last post was about different 'invisible identities', that is, queer identities that most people haven't heard about or think are just 'Tumblr words.' I'm aromantic and genderfluid and have friends that are aromantic, asexual, and nonbinary. These words are real, and there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people around the world that use them. Maybe you do, too. Maybe you did before, and maybe you do now that you know what they really mean. Maybe you want labels. Maybe you don't. In any case...

• If you're nonbinary or genderqueer, you don't necessarily have to do anything. If you are fine with using the pronouns associated with your birth-assigned gender, that's fine and you don't have to correct anyone. If you would rather use a different set of pronouns - no matter how "made up" they sound - that's fine too, and the people in your life should respect that. You don't have to start dressing differently if you don't want to, you don't have to change your name if you don't want to, and you don't have to 'pass' if you don't want to, no matter where you fall under the gender variant umbrella. Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy, take care of yourself, and surround yourself with positive people who respect you. Some men wear dresses. Some women wear tuxedos. Anybody who can't deal with that isn't worth your time. 

Even with all of this, though, you have to remember that gender variant people are statistically very likely to be raped or murdered (ex. the six trans women of color, Kristina Gomez Reinwald, 46; Penny Proud, 21;  Vasmin Vash Payne, 22; Taja DeJesus, 36; Ty Underwood, 24; and Lamia Beard, 30, who have been murdered in 2015; as well as the one white trans woman, Bri Golec, 22, who was also murdered) or to face emotional and physical abuse from our families, as well as romantic and queerplatonic partners. It would be a good idea, for your personal physical safety, to carry a weapon and/or a can of Mace, as well as to take a self-defense class, and to keep the numbers for domestic abuse and transgender safety hotlines. When I'm walking alone somewhere, I try to keep a sharp object with me, even if it's just my yarn hook or a pair of scissors or a set of keys; part of the reason I'm trying to get more physically fit is that I will be better able to fight off an attacker if I ever need to. Remember that there are no rules if and when your life is in danger. That said, if you ever are violently attacked, the attack was not your fault.

• If you're aromantic, remember that you are not broken. You're not just 'waiting for the right person'. Especially if you are not a cis man, this 'magical right person' often oh-so-mysteriously seems to be a cis man in the eyes of the concerned friends and relatives who tell you about your alleged need to find them, and you are likely to be called frigid or bitchy or snotty if someone shows romantic interest in you and you say no (also, if you are a woman who is aromantic and allosexual, you are likely to be called a sl*t or a wh*re, or to be chastised by 'concerned' people, if you have sex...or do anything that could possibly be interpreted to mean interest in sex. That's called slut shaming and it's completely unacceptable, but I don't want to derail here).

 Most media portrayals of people with your romantic orientation are shown as tortured or unfeeling and you will often be erased, even within the queer community. It can be easy to internalize that oppression. But you're not unfeeling or tortured. You are real, you are legitimate, and you deserve respect. There is more than one way to fall in love. If someone is harassing you, you have every right to feel offended and hurt, to tell them to...I don't know...go stick a cactus up their butthole or something...and to take whatever measures necessary to make the harassment stop. You are not obligated to allow anyone to talk to you, to touch you, or even to be in your presence if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe with them there. You are also, like every other queer person, not obligated to come out if you don't want to. You don't owe anyone anything.

Most of this, if not all, also applies to asexuals, who are in terms of culture and oppression, very similar to the aromantic community.

And I think that's it. If you'd like me to add something, just let me know in the comments.

Invisible Identities

I personally think a lot more people would identify as asexual or aromantic or nonbinary if they knew what the terms meant. So I'm providing a list.

Invisible romantic orientations:

gray-romantic (what I am)

demiromantic

lithromantic/akoiromantic

WTFromantic
cupioromantic

recipromantic
requiesromantic
abroromantic

Invisible sexual orientations:

asexuality

gray-a

demisexual

pansexual

cupiosexual
recipsexual
requiessexual
abrosexual

Invisible (a)gender identities:

genderqueer

agender

neutrois

genderfluid (what I am; this falls under the genderqueer, nonbinary, and transgender umbrellas)

polygender

quadgender

demigirl

demiguy

bigender
nan0gender
Gender Trojan
maverique

Dear Cishet Boy

This poem was inspired by all the crap queer youth face from our cishet male peers, as well as the violence queer people (especially trans women of color) face from cishet men.

Dear Cishet Boy

Dear cishet boy, get over yourself.

You are not a sex god.

That lesbian is never going to beg for your dick.

She's not interested, not in any guy -

It's not that she just hasn't had sex with YOU.

Your genitalia ain't magic, son.

Dear cishet boy, making fun of gay guys is not amusing.

It's not a joke.

It's not a game.

And the so-called faggot

That you think is hitting on you?

He's not. So shut up.

Dear cishet boy, trans people are not confused.

We're not tr*nnies, crossdressers, or sick.

We're trans.

You're confused.

Dear cishet boy, we don't give a damn if you're Christian.
Some of us are Christian too,
And from the ones that aren't?
God doesn't hate us. You do.
We may not be able to change your beliefs,
But you need to understand that your religious freedom
Ends with you.

Dear cishet boy, trans women are not tricking you.
They're not trying to 'turn you gay' or lying or pretending,
Faking, drag queens. They are not obligated to disclose,
As if they were not real women. Trans women are REAL WOMEN.
Their bodies simply look a little different than a cis woman's,
But why should that matter? They are beautiful.
All bodies are beautiful, worthy of love and praise,
Worthy of so much more,
So much more than the tragedies, the violence, your fellow men
Subject these women to.
And we shall forever remember their names.

Dear cishet boy, WE ARE PEOPLE.
We are people in all our rainbow glory,
Transgender, bisexual, lesbian, gay,
Ace, pan, aro, nonbinary.
We are PEOPLE.
We are VALUED.
We are BEAUTIFUL.
Every color of the rainbow and then some.

Dear cishet boy,
Our queer siblings have been murdered,
Slandered,
Misgendered,
Beaten,
Raped,
All of these by people like you.
They have bled, they have cried,
They have died.
But we will survive
And we will forever remember their names.

Demanding To Be Respected Is Not Rude (TW: cissexism, invalidation)

Like a lot of other transgender teens, I've dealt with a lot of shit from a lot of well-meaning cis people - usually adults - who have decided they know me better than I do because of what my body looks like. And like a lot of transgender teens, I've been silenced when I tell them they're wrong.

Ugh, it would just be really awesome if people could comprehend that genitalia=/=gender. BODIES DO NOT HAVE INHERENT GENDERS. People do (usually, that is; there are people who don't have any gender at all). I'm genderfluid. My body is genderfluid. Nobody gets to dictate what my gender is but me, and I do have the right to demand that other people respect that.

I've been harassed online by transphobes, called a 'special snowflake', gawked at like I was a circus freak, and laughed off or yelled at when I got upset about being misgendered.

One of the most frequent examples consists of my mother calling me 'Miss Girl', me telling her not to call me that, her yelling that I have attitude, me yelling back not to call me Miss Girl, her pouting, her or my stepdad deciding to call me by my horribly feminine legal name, me telling them not to call me that, and them saying that it 'is my legal name.'

I'm not explicitly out to either of them as genderfluid. That doesn't matter. What does matter is that:
1. I have asked to not be called...that name, or any other bullshit feminine 'term of affection' that she or anyone else can possibly think of (bullshit because I don't believe you can have affection for someone if you don't respect them, which she clearly doesn't if she can't do this one small thing to honor my wishes).
2. My mother assumes and has assumed for my entire life that I'm a girl and only a girl, based solely on my genitalia, and her ignorance is not my fault.
3. She is the one who decided to name me...that...when I was a baby and too small and helpless to tell her that I would have preferred something more androgynous, too young and ignorant to even know what transgender meant. She decided, not based on anything I said but on the perception of someone who barely knew me, that I was her daughter. Never once considering that maybe I was her son, or just her child*. Therefore, I don't consider that name valid for anything but legal purposes, and I hope to make it invalid even in legal purposes when I'm financially independent.

For these reasons, I have every right to be angry when my mother or anyone else uses gendered language for me that I have asked them not to use, regardless of whether or not they know I'm genderfluid. When I am angry or when I correct them...yet again...they may not, however, say that I'm being rude or that I have attitude or anything like that. They are the ones being rude. They are making assumptions about me based on what my body looks like, and my body is no one's business and no one's to judge but my own. No one, not even my doctor, has deference over me when it comes to that.

*Whether I prefer to be called son or daughter or child, niece or nephew or nex (the gender-neutral term I created as a substitute for niece/nephew because there wasn't an existing one to the best of my knowledge), granddaughter or grandson or grandchild (I don't need to worry about brother/sister/sibling or aunt/uncle/xantle) depends on whether I feel more male, more female, both, or neither that day. Sometimes you can tell based on my clothing which one it is, but really the best thing to do is to just ask me. Or, if you're introducing me to someone, let me speak for myself so I can tell the person you're introducing me to how I know you without making implications about my own gender (e.g. Fran is my grandma, Jennifer is my aunt, etc).

Badass Black Women

These beautiful, badass ladies have kicked some serious butt and took names while fighting oppressive systems of power and changing the world. They deserve recognition. Therefore, I'm reblogging these:

22 Badass Black Women Who are Leading Movements, Changing the World, And Generally Being Awesome

9 Badass Black Feminists and Their Books that Shook the World

100+ LGBTQ Black Women You Should Know

Sojourner Truth

Harriet Tubman

Ella Fitzgerald

Rosa Parks

Using Transphobic Slurs Is Not Respectful (TW: transphobia, cissexism, dysphoria, and slurs)

It's about fifteen minutes before my first class starts, but I just had to write this.

A bunch of people in the geek scene at my school - yes, we have a geek scene and yes, I am in it (actually, a lot of trans people are geeky or nerdy, simply because geek and nerd "culture" is pretty accepting of misfits on the whole)  - were talking about weightlifting.

My (cis male) friend Jordan: You can lose like twenty to thirty pounds in three days with weightlifting.
A cis girl named Elena who I kind of know but not really: Noooo! My mom and I tried that and we just bulked up.
Jordan: Well you have to run afterward.
Elena: It's different for you. You're a guy. We have different genetic...you know...
Jordan: Genetic codes?
Elena: We just end up looking like...like he-shes.
Me (annoyed): He-shes?
Elena: Yeah, you know, they look like a guy when they're really a girl. Or they look like a girl when they're really a guy.
Me (pointedly): You mean they're transgender. (sighs, disgruntled) I have scholarship stuff to work on.

And then I left, knowing that if I spent one more moment around this girl, she'd end up making even more micro-aggressions and I'd lose my temper and scream at her.

To clarify, I think it was rather obvious that I'm genderqueer. I have an awesome new androgynous pixie cut that can look masculine when I want to look masculine, and feminine when I want to look feminine. The jeans I was wearing were relaxed-fit boyfriend cut, a style beloved by many in the genderqueer community for its androgyny and ability to minimize leg, hip, and butt curves. My graphic t-shirt (it has a tent logo across the chest and the words chat room underneath), which was layered over a sports bra and three tank tops, came from the men's section, and I had the sleeves on my hoodie rolled up because I'd heard it helped to distract from breasts (I don't have a binder, but with all the effort I put it, those things damn well better have at least looked like large, well-defined pecs).

I mean, sure, a lot of the geekier girls at my school tend to go for a more tomboyish style, but most of them don't actually have any real desire to not look like girls. They just don't care what other people think. None of them looked like me, actively trying to make their hair, bodies and faces look more masculine on some days but liking dresses and jewelry and makeup on others.

Now, on with the post as I explain what is so wrong with he-she - though in a fair world, I wouldn't even have to.

Trans men are not women. They are men. Regardless of what is between their legs or what they are trying to conceal under binders, hoodies, undershirts, whatever, they are men. They are hes. Trans women are not men. They are women. They are shes.

And above all, trans people, whether binary or not, are people. We aren't he-shes. We're not liars or pretenders or monsters - we're just ourselves. We have our own identities, our own experiences, our own lives. We expect that to be respected. We deserve to be respected. Our rights, our humanity, our safety...those things aren't up for debate.

But when cis people use transphobic slurs or refuse to respect our pronouns or out us without our permission, they're saying, "I don't respect you. I don't consider your identity valid and even if I've only just met you, I know you better than you know yourself. And even if I do know you, I still don't respect you. I don't consider your privacy or feelings valuable, even if I'm related to you."

And that's not cool. So. Cis people, let's lay off the he-shes, transvestites, shemales, and trannies, mmkay? Because while you may not understand our identities, they are just as valid as yours.

Why I Will Not, In Fact, "Express Gratitude For People Who Are Patriots"...Even Though My Dad Was One

I'm a seventeen-year-old high school junior. I'm also bisexual, genderfluid, pagan, neurodivergent, and female.

That first part means that I'm applying to college.

The rest of it means I have a bone to pick with conservatives - you know, the people who have denied me the right to worship freely, the right to get married to anyone but a "man" (meaning, someone with a dick...even if "he" is actually female), the right to safe medical care, the right to not be discriminated against in the workplace, the right to live my life without being harassed, the right to control over my own body, and even the right to live.

So when my Republican parents - including my mom, whom I am by the way out to as a lesbian as of yesterday, despite her insistence that I need to "be sure that this is what I'll really want for the rest of my life before I make a choice like that" -  found a conservative scholarship online, they decided that I was going to write it.

No. No. I will never be conservative, and I will not pretend I'm something I'm not even for a scholarship. I get that money is tight (according to my parents, even though we're actually a lot richer than so many kids even at my school), but I will not do anything that "promotes conservative values" and talks about "what it means to be an *cough white straight cis enabled male Christian cough cough* American". Because according to way too many of those Americans, my sexuality and gender - not like they'll actually deign to learn the difference between the two - are not valid and come from the "devil."

I have made it as clear as I possibly can to my mom that I'm queer without actually having sex with a girl in front of her or something. There's no way she can't know how conservatives have denied me - denied her as a woman - so many fundamental rights. The way so many of them believe our personhood is up for debate. I don't understand how any marginalized person could support that kind of ideology, but I don't have to be a part of it and I will fight it. I am a person and just as deserving of equality as those who have stripped my rights from me.

And then my mom, after I snapped at her that I was liberal and always would be, pulled the Dad card.

You see, my biological father was a conservative and a member of the military. He loved Ronald Reagan, collected Republican political pins, went to church every Sunday and dragged a hyperactive little kid along with him. I don't know if he was queerphobic, and it breaks my heart that he might very well have seen his own child as...something horrible...might even have placed me in the abusive, psychologically damaging atrocity that fundamentalist Christians have the nerve to call "conversion therapy". But until I die myself, I will never know for sure if he would have done any of that.

He died when I was six, before I ever knew that not every relationship has one man and one woman. That not everyone falls neatly into the categories of "man" and "woman." And when I was five years old and tried to tell him I was transgender without having any words for the way I felt, he told me I was confused. Had he been alive today, he may very well have ended up changing his ways - if not for his own sake or anyone else's, then for my sake. But I'll never know.

I can live my own life to the fullest. I can love myself exactly as I am, and empower other people who are disrespected in the ways I am or in ways that I am not to love themselves and to be loved by others. But sometimes, knowing that my dad may very well have been prejudiced against important parts of my identity makes it really hard to do that.

Which just makes it that more screwed-up that my mother brought my dead father and his military service into the conversation. That's messed up and disrespectful and absolutely not okay.

She insisted that I write this conservative essay, promoting the views of people who don't think I deserve to be viewed a a person, as a gesture of gratitude to the Armed Forces, because "People RISK THEIR LIVES AND DIE for this country! You will express gratitude for people who are patriots!"

No. No I won't, because even if my dad was one of these people, I will never be. White, Christian, straight, cis, and enabled isn't what America looks like. In my eyes, that's not what it means to be an American.

I made a survey

There are a lot of surveys for queer youth on Trevorspace, based on things like bullying and discrimination. So I made one of my own. Here is the survey.

Well That Happened

If my classmates didn't know I was bisexual before, they do now. I couldn't have made it any clearer if I'd gotten on the PA system and said, "HELLO WORLD! I'M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO GIRLS!"

In my Twentieth Century Literature (affectionately and hereafter known as Lit) class, we've been doing oral speeches about the American Dream, and how our American Dream compares to our families' dreams and those of the main characters in the novels we've read. Since Jay Gatsby's dream was to find love with Daisy, I talked about my own dreams of love:

Yes, my version of the American Dream would contain love simply because I, like anyone else, want the privilege of being able to fall in love, get married, and have kids freely and equally to anyone else, without being told that that love is wrong regardless of the gender of my spouse. Right now, that dream is out of reach for so many people, and I dream that they will be recognized as equal. I dream that people will be respected and appreciated for who they are, that no one will be condemned for being different, and that love - whether interracial, romantic or queerplatonic, between people of the same gender or sex, or between three or more people - will be accepted as being purely, simply, beautifully love.

And now they knoooow...let it go, let it go...can't hold it back anymore...let it go, let it go, turn away and slam that door. I don't care what they're going to say. The cold never bothered me anyway. (There was a theory going around Trevorspace last summer that Elsa was a lesbian. 'Let It Go' does sound a lot like the thoughts of someone abruptly coming out of the closet.)

I didn't hear any mutters of "dyke" in the audience, so that's good. There were some people snickering after I was done with my speech, but really, we're teenagers. It's not like I wasn't expecting that. For all I know, they weren't even about me.

I do think I heard someone whisper, "She's gay?" But that doesn't bother me. There's nothing wrong with noticing someone's sexual orientation, any more than there's something wrong with noticing their race or disability or body size. It only becomes wrong when you judge them for it. And contrary to what some people think, gay is not an insult. So you know what? If people want to talk about my sexuality, that is just fine. (Not that I won't be just as neurotic and weird about this as I am about everything else.)

I did get a few points off, but not for the whole coming-out thing. The teacher's a cishet ally, and she already knew anyway. It's just because I went over the time limit - I just had a lot to say. Also, after the Big Queer Announcement, I panicked and started tripping over my words. It didn't exactly help that I had stage fright to begin with. And I didn't practice my speech beforehand - I think I knew that if I thought too much about the fact that I'd be declaring my sexual orientation to an entire class of potentially homophobic teenagers, I'd run out of the room screaming or puke or something when I had to do it for real.

I'd been worse earlier, though. Two hours before the speech, I started twitching uncontrollably. It was like my old panic attacks, but bigger. Yes, I know that I made a coming-out post that literally the entire Internet-using world has access to. But really, that was the Internet. Let's face it, nothing feels as personal when you put it on the Internet. If it did, we wouldn't have flame wars or online erotica.

This is real life. And in real life, I feel like that scared fifteen-year-old again, just admitting to myself that most straight girls didn't notice other girls the way I did and terrified of telling anyone that I was different (jeez, I'm like the female Nico di Angelo). Only now, I'm not just admitting to myself that I'm bisexual. I'm admitting it to an entire school of people that could ostracize, harass, bully, or proselytize me.

But here's the thing: I'm not that scared fifteen-year-old anymore. I'm not going to hide from the truth behind food and books. This has happened, and I'm going to handle it. If I do get hurt? Well, I still have God, and God is the only one who needs to define me. 

And just like Elsa, I don't care what they're going to say. The cold never bothered me anyway.

Resolving My Issues...Kind Of...

Those of you who know about the whole coming-out drama I've had with my family (i.e. Betty, we chat about family awkwardness on NaNoWriMo occasionally) or who've read my old blog already probably understand my neuroticism over the subject matter of this post.

But many of you don't know the full story. So, I'll bring you up to speed.

The summer when I was fifteen, Ella was sixteen, Abby was thirteen, and Lili was eleven, I discovered, much to my astonishment, that my dear cousins were against homosexuality. Just about two months later, I finally realized that straight girls didn't notice other girls the way I did. Awkward much?

Around the same time, I met a really awesome teen lesbian whose name shall not be mentioned because I'm not sure if she reads this. I'll call her Marie because that's her middle name. I was crushing really hard on Marie, harder than I'd ever crushed on a guy. Of course I wanted to ask her out (I haven't thus far).

But I knew how high school worked. I knew that even if I got up the nerve to ask Marie out, people would talk once they realized I was dating a girl. I also knew that there was a good chance that this talk would make its way to my cousin Alex, who went (and still goes, he's a senior and I'm a junior) to the same school as me. I figured that he might bring this up at a family function, not knowing why it would bother me (though he probably knows I'm bi at this point and simply doesn't care). Had that happened, Ella (my "best friend" at the time, though thank goodness I've put an end to THAT) would have known my secret within minutes. And the thought of her knowing terrified me. I was really shy back then and I was afraid of losing her friendship. But letting her opinion scare me into silence like that simply wasn't healthy.

I still wanted to ask Marie out. Which, in my mind, left only one option: come out to Ella first so she'd at least hear it from me. With all the related issues, I started having what I now  realize were panic attacks whenever I thought about coming out to her. Which led to panic attacks when I thought about coming out to anyone. Thankfully, after a few months I got sick of this and told Mrs. Avila, my beloved youth minister. With her support and a whole lot of prayer, I found the courage to come out to other people, to start this blog, and to stand up to my cousins. It's been a long, trying, but amazing journey. And not even two months ago, I finally had the nerve to end the unhealthy friendship I'd maintained with my cousins. We were all upset about it, but this was the best thing for all of us.

Then, I posted the poem I'd written the night I came out to Mrs. Avila. Two of my relatives commented on it: Ella's sister Abby and our grandma Fran (not the same grandma I mentioned in a post last summer. That grandma isn't entirely sure how the Internet works :) ). Grandma was awesome and wonderful and wonderfully awesome. Abby's response was harder to interpret. She said that, and I quote, "All the Micola's love you Bess!"

Is that supposed to make me less nervous? IT DOESN'T MAKE ME LESS NERVOUS!! My insides twist with anxiety every time I think about it, but I take some deep cleansing breaths and meditate to calm myself down. Things will be fine, I tell myself.

I'm right. Things WILL be fine. Yes, God will give me the strength to get through this. Yes, I know my fears might be totally irrational and I'm obsessing over nothing. Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, my obsession with this stupid little comment is practically nonexistent.

But that doesn't stop me from obsessing. Urggggggggggh. Can anyone help me dissect exactly what Abby meant?