Thoughts About Josh Duggar

TW: rape, misogyny, rape apologism, Christianity, incest

Until now, Mod Frey and I have been largely silent on the topic of Josh Duggar.

So I'll write a post about him - and, more importantly, the fact that he raped five girls.

Look, if you've even vaguely heard of 19 Kids and Counting - a show I've long despised - you probably know the gist of the story by now. Nine years ago, sweet little Joshie, then a teenager, fondled the breasts and genitalia of five young girls, four of whom were his sisters. His parents and a state trooper - a man who is currently serving time for child pornography - deliberately covered up the crime until the statute of limitations had passed. In fact, Duggar's rapes would have gone completely unreported if not for some investigating that uncovered accusations of rape (I don't know all the details on this, but I assume said investigating was done by someone who finds the Duggars as creepy and horrifying as I do; I praise their unknown name).

And the "help" these people got for Josh was a few months of carpentry work. Under a family friend who also covered up his crime.

Now that I've covered the background of the crime, let's get to the aftermath.

1. People have been calling this a "controversy"...and do I even need to explain why this is wrong? The man is a SERIAL RAPIST. He's the scum of the earth. That shouldn't be controversial. It should be horrifying.
2. People have been defending Josh Duggar. See #1.
3. Josh Duggar was once on the Marriage and Family Council. You know, one of those cults that pretends to "love homosexuals but hate homosexuality" or some other crap. Or maybe they just openly hate queer people. I don't even know anymore. These cults all look alike to me, and the Duggars really are one by themselves.
4. So...why is being queer a sin, yet rape is still defended?
5. People who defend Josh Duggar, I really need to know. Do you just have some strange obsession with making sure nobody has control over their own bodies?
6. In one of many awesome tweets responding to Josh Duggar's serial rapes - let's call them what they are - a woman said something along the lines of "I don't know why anyone's surprised by the cover-up. Putting the needs of a son over multiple daughters is the very definition of patriarchy."

Well said, strange woman. Well said.

Food Bank Etiquette and Important Notes

This is a post for those of you who've fallen on hard times and come to the realization that yes you will have to ask for an an actual hand out this time round.

First of all, going to the food bank is nothing to be ashamed of hundreds, even thousands of people visit such places Every. Single. Day. and the only thing wrong with that is the fact that our society has made it so difficult to get by without them. Secondly if you do have to go to one you can trust me when I say that no one else there is going to be judgmental of you for being there, after all they're in the same boat as you.

I'm gonna move onto the Etiquette now;

Basic etiquette rule #1 -  If you are an able bodied, neurotypical, young person than trust me when I say you can stand in line a bit longer than the elderly woman with a walker it's polite to let this person cut in front of you in line or switch numbers with her if the food bank you're at happens to have a take a number system and you get one that goes in before her.

Basic etiquette rule #2 - Again this is for able bodied, neurotypical, young people. The food bank might have shady spaces or seating outside, if there are people who need these spaces more than you than you can stand in the light for a bit, I suggest bringing a pair of sunglasses and an umbrella if the light does bother you.

Basic etiquette rule #3 - If a person ahead of you happens to stall a moment to feed their child, whether it be by bottle, or breast, or just a little snack of solid food, you stay in your own space and let them be. It Is None Of Your Business.

Basic etiquette rule #4 - Finally I just want to say that it's rude to stare, so don't do it.

And now the notes!

1: There are A LOT of people at food banks, if this is a problem for you I strongly suggest bringing your phone (if you have one) or a book (again if you have one) to help you ignore them, it's not much but it helps me when I have to go, though I'll admit some people are still fairly rude and have bothered me whilst I read, drew, or listened to music.

2: Sometimes the people in charge of the food bank are just plain mean, they may care enough to help you get what you need but plenty of them are just there for volunteer hours, do not take their attitude as a personal affront it's their problem not yours.

3: Finally I want to say that people may push or shove when you are inside the food bank so if you did not arrive early enough to be first in line than I suggest hanging around in the back to maintain elbow room.

These are the observations I've made from regularly having to visit the nearest food bank for my own family, I could give more advice if requested but these seemed to stand out the most

Mod Frey

Clarification

As a genderfluid person, I'm part woman and tend to shift between feminine genders a lot. I'm sometimes female, sometimes demigirl, sometimes androgyne, sometimes agender, sometimes demiboy, and sometimes I don't even know. I'm also regularly perceived as a woman, or at least as womanlike, so I'm treated as a woman socially and politically...which is sometimes dysphoria-inducing, actually...so I experience sexism. If/when I refer to myself as a woman or girl, these are my reasons for doing so.

As for my sexuality...I know it gets confusing. I've only ever had romantic crushes on four people, though most of those were partly platonic (and I'm not even sure if one of them was a crush), in my nearly-eighteen years, and all of my crushes have identifed at least partly as women and girls. So I call myself myself a lesbian as well as aroflux.

 And being gray-ace, I don't experience a whole lot of sexual attraction in the first place and don't really want a sexual relationship. Should the urge to have sex ever strike me, I'll go off and do it. But in the meantime, I mostly prefer to just look at hot people and not do much of anything about it. The sexual attraction I do feel is mostly towards women, and I tend to favor femininity, but that doesn't mean I don't occasionally find queer butch women and masculine men (I'm not comparing butch women to men, I'm saying that I'm attracted to them less so than femmes because I prefer femininity) attractive. I have a thing for Tyler Posey, for example. But I don't really want to do anything about that and don't think I would want to if I had the chance. I just think he's good looking. Yeah...my sexuality is complicated. That's partly why I don't label it as anything but gray-ace and queer anymore. And now maybe as sappho. :)

Things that should not be said to Asexuals.

"Why do you make (insert genital name) jokes if you don't like sex?"

I am asexual, that does not mean I have no sense of humor, sometimes these jokes are funny.

"Don't you care about your partners needs?"

Of course I do! I just think that they should care about my needs as well.

"So you're asexual, like you just don't like dating?"

Really dear? I said aSEXUAL not aROMANTIC, I am still quite happy with romance

"I bet I could fix that ;)"

I don't need fixing

"You just haven't met The One"

Life's not a rom-com, there is no 'One'

"You're being selfish!"

No I'm not, you are

Some Thoughts On Heteronormativity

For whatever reason, a lot of cishet people seem to think that everyone who is  attracted to men and everyone who is masculine is attracted to women. I'm not sure what this says about androgynous people, not to mention aromantics, asexuals, and multisexuals, but it's so painfully untrue that I decided to confront it.

1. Straight tomboys exist and nobody says a word about them, but if a tomboy is a lesbian or multisexual, her androgyny is assumed to be BECAUSE of her identity. How is that fair?

2. Most crossdressers are women or straight men, so why are queer men stereotyped as feminine? And why are queer men so hated, mocked, and discriminated against when they ARE feminine? Why is femininity a bad thing?

Think about that for a second. Now unpack your misogyny, homophobia, and femmephobia.

Femininity is not a bad thing.

3. From personal experience, queer cis people conform to gender roles at roughly the same rate as straight cis people, aside from the fact that queer sexuality and romance in themselves defy heteronormative gender roles.

I mentioned in the My Journey post that most of my close friends are queer girls, but there's also several others at my school. And from experience, queer women are no more or less feminine than straight women. The only difference is that while all straight women are into men, only some queer women are.

As for queer men versus straight men, I can't really compare as much because I don't know many out queer men. Let's see...there's three cis gay men (two adults and a teenager), two bi cis boys (I edited this post after a friend came out to me), and one cis boy who is some variety of not-straight but I've never asked exactly what and he's never told me. One of  these men is androgynous, but the other four are masculine. Especially if you factor in #3, queer men are no more or less masculine than straight men.

As for trans people, whether queer or straight...well, by virtue of being trans we're automatically gender variant. And many of us in the trans community have this delightful fondness of rejecting the concept of gender norms altogether. While I'm a big fan of the practice in theory, I'm too indoctrinated into heteronormativity to fully adopt it in practice. I try, though. And what I've observed is that this makes much more sense than the sexist, racist system we have in place now. I can't understand why cis people don't just adopt it already, but then cis people also think WE'RE the strange ones. I'm not sure why.



Decent cishet Christian men, don't freak if your toddler son likes playing with his sister's Disney Princess stuff. It doesn't necessarily mean he'll be gay, or that your son is actually your daughter. And if he is? So what? What are you so afraid of? Don't bring fire and brimstone into it, either. Unless you can actually give me proof of Satan that DOESN'T come in the form of Bible verses, I refuse to take any proselytizing you may have to offer seriously.

Cishet moms, just go with it if your nine-year-old daughter starts refusing to wear all things pink and frilly. She might just be a tomboy. She might be queer. She might actually be your son. She might have some internalized misogyny - and if you feel like that might be the case, you need to have a heart to heart with her. But that's a whole 'nother rant.

Honestly, I think Timmy Turner's dad had it right when he said, "Where is it written in this one sided society that a man can't be beautiful?!"

Same-Sex Marriage Is Legal, But...

...We still have damn far to go.

Here are more queer civil rights issues that we can't forget...

1. 40% of homeless youth are queer or trans.
2. Doctors are still mutilating intersex kids.
3. Trans women of color are still being murdered.
4. Corrective rape is still happening.
5. Conversion therapy is still happening.
6. The 'Gay Panic' defense is still legal in 49 out of 50 states.
7. Bi women are still more likely to be physically abused than lesbian or straight women.
8. Trans people are more likely to live in poverty.
9. Bathrooms. Just bathrooms.
10. We still need to fear the police, especially our undocumented people, trans people, poor people, sex workers, and people of color.
11. Undocumented LGBTQ+ people, especially TPOC, still face violence and brutality while imprisoned. Jennicet Gutierrez, anyone?
12. In most states, there's no statewide non-discrimination policy protecting trans people. 
13. In about half, there's also no statewide non-discrimination policy protecting cis queer people, either.
14. There's still people trying to ban youth shelters.
15. Trans teenagers are still committing suicide because of transphobic bullying and abuse.

I'm tired of rich, white, cis gay people forgetting that we do, in fact, still have really far to go.

Why Transracial Isn't Comparable To Transgender

I think a lot of you have heard of Rachel Dolezal by now - the white woman who spent years in the NAACP, pretending to be black. She identifies as 'transracial' (a word stolen by white people from adoptees of color, btw) and a lot of racist transphobes have supporting this, making the claim that if one can change their gender, why not their race?

Here's why not:

1. Transracial identity doesn't go both ways. If it (in this post, I'm using it in the same way Dolezal thinks it's supposed to be used) were legitimate, there would be people transitioning to whiteness and receiving white privilege. But there's not, and don't bring up Michael Jackson. The man had a skin disease.

Trans men gain male privilege when transitioning and are often accepted as men. Trans women do not have male privilege while they are closeted and presenting male, as the 'womanly' aspects of their identities would still be shamed and they would still have grown up in a misogynistic society. But when trans women are out, they definitely don't have male privilege.

A relatively minor example - minor, that is, compared to trans women of color being murdered and young trans girls being kicked out of their homes - would be the sexual objectification of Caitlyn Jenner. Most of you have probably heard people joke about how pissed Kris probably is about Caitlyn's attractiveness (a beauty contest that neither woman consented to), or you've heard them ask what the point of being a woman is if one is not attracted to men (this is heterocentric, and for the record Caitlyn's asexual. I don't know if she's also homoromantic, but she has specified that she is not a lesbian). Men, even trans men, don't get those comments. Just the fact that trans womanhood is so much more sensationalized in the media than trans manhood is an example of misogyny; it is not considered shocking or scandalous to be a man.

But people of color, even if they said they were white, would still face racism. They would be mocked and belittled, and only decades ago they might have been lynched for it. But Rachel Dolezal, a white woman, does the same thing and is encouraged and applauded by her fellow white people. White people love to appropriate black culture, but if a black person likes rock music they are accused of acting 'too white.' How is this fair?

2. Transgender identity has been around for centuries in multiple cultures - look at the Two Spirits of Indigenous America, or the kathoey of Thailand, or the fa'afafines of Samoa, or the hijras of India. It is something that people all over the world, regardless of race, sexuality, religion, socioeconomic class, body type, or any other factor, experience.

The words that modern, western genderqueer people use to define ourselves - like genderfluid, for example - were born from the fact that white Christianity dominated our politics and cultures, and therefore our lives, for so long. We, for too long, hadn't had the ability to articulate our identities in any way that already existed in our cultures. We needed new words, so we made some up. That's how language develops; otherwise, we'd all still be grunting and howling incomprehensibly.

But transracial identity, as Dolezal and her racist, transphobic cronies define it, didn't really become a thing until a few decades ago at the most.

And...that's pretty much it. So, don't be a transphobic racist, 'kay? Transracial=/=transgender. Don't defend Rachel Dolezal, or any other white person who appropriates non-white cultures. Don't excuse them. And for the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT conflate transracial with transgender.