Okay, the title's boring. You know it's boring. I know it's boring. We all know the title is just really boring. But the title is less important than the actual content of this post.
Now, to me, the difference between AGAB, sex, gender, gender expression, sexual orientation, and romantic orientation is obvious (especially because I'm queer myself, and started picking it all up after I began getting involved in queer communities and feminism). But not until after a conversation with my cousin Abby a few weeks ago did it really hit me that even many queers are struggling to understand it.
So I'm going to explain.
AGAB stands for assigned gender at birth. When you were born, did the doctor or midwife or nurse look at you and say 'it's a girl'? Than you were assigned female at birth, or AFAB. If the doctor said 'it's a boy'? Than you were AMAB.
But your AGAB doesn't necessarily match your sex or your gender.
It doesn't always match your sex because intersex people exist. You know that I in LGBTQIA? That's what the I is for.
Much of our culture gets really, really uncomfortable when people don't fit into heteronormative boxes and has a bizarre, sickening fixation with genitalia - those things are the root of a lot of queerphobia, actually. So when a baby is born with ambiguous genitals, doctors and parents alike will flip a shit.
I'm not intersex myself (probably) and will of course defer to intersex people on their own experiences, but here's what I've heard: when your biological sex isn't male or female, you are often told that your body is something shameful, freakish, and ugly. Other people's squeamish discomfort and petty wants are considered more important than your needs and autonomy. As a baby or small child, you might even be subjected to a surgery, one that you can't consent to and might grow up to wish had never happened, that mutilates your genitals so they look more 'normal' - sometimes at the cost of your sexual health.
And because dyadic people feel really uncomfortable when you don't fit into their silly boxes, you aren't assigned 'intersex' at birth - if it even is apparent at birth that you were intersex. You're assigned male or female. That's your AGAB.
Now that we've discussed sex and AGAB, let's talk gender.
Your gender is totally independent of both your sex and your AGAB. Your gender is a lot less physical and a lot more mental - though it CAN be based partly on physical factors. That's where sex dysphoria - or the lack thereof - comes from (as well as the way trans people are taught to see our bodies as gendered).
Your gender can be male, female, both, neither, neutral, in-between, nonexistant, or so complicated that you can't even figure it out! You can be a single person with multiple genders. Like mine, your gender can be fluid - you can be male on some days, female on others, in-between on others, and neither on the rest.
If you are AFAB and your gender is female and EXCLUSIVELY female, you are a cisgender, or cis, woman or girl. If you are AMAB and your gender is male and EXCLUSIVELY male, you are a cis man or boy. If those things don't describe you, you are transgender, or trans.
Cis women, you KNOW you're women. That knowledge wouldn't change for you, even if you spontaneously grew a penis. Inside, no matter what, you'd still be a woman. It's that way for trans women, too. The only difference is, they didn't spontaneously grow a penis. They've just always had one. Some of them want it gone. Some don't. Some don't really care. No matter what, they're still women.
But unlike them, you have the privilege of always being seen as and treated as the gender you know you are. People just take your word for it when you say you're a woman. Trans women don't have that privilege.
And cis men, take what I just said about trans women and replace 'women' with 'men' and 'penis' with 'vagina' or 'boobs'. Unlike trans men, you have the privilege of always being seen and treated as a man, the gender you know you are. People just take your word for it when you say you're a man.
That's called cis privilege. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or that we hate you. But it's not fair that you have this privilege over trans people. You were born into a culture that oppresses trans people, even though that oppression can backfire on you, and were taught to go along with it. So we're - and by we I mean feminists and trans rights activists - trying to make that stop. Makes sense?
Now, onto gender expression.
Think about the things your culture associates with men or women. I live in the United States, so my culture associates these things with women, girls, and femininity...
Now, to me, the difference between AGAB, sex, gender, gender expression, sexual orientation, and romantic orientation is obvious (especially because I'm queer myself, and started picking it all up after I began getting involved in queer communities and feminism). But not until after a conversation with my cousin Abby a few weeks ago did it really hit me that even many queers are struggling to understand it.
So I'm going to explain.
AGAB stands for assigned gender at birth. When you were born, did the doctor or midwife or nurse look at you and say 'it's a girl'? Than you were assigned female at birth, or AFAB. If the doctor said 'it's a boy'? Than you were AMAB.
But your AGAB doesn't necessarily match your sex or your gender.
It doesn't always match your sex because intersex people exist. You know that I in LGBTQIA? That's what the I is for.
Much of our culture gets really, really uncomfortable when people don't fit into heteronormative boxes and has a bizarre, sickening fixation with genitalia - those things are the root of a lot of queerphobia, actually. So when a baby is born with ambiguous genitals, doctors and parents alike will flip a shit.
I'm not intersex myself (probably) and will of course defer to intersex people on their own experiences, but here's what I've heard: when your biological sex isn't male or female, you are often told that your body is something shameful, freakish, and ugly. Other people's squeamish discomfort and petty wants are considered more important than your needs and autonomy. As a baby or small child, you might even be subjected to a surgery, one that you can't consent to and might grow up to wish had never happened, that mutilates your genitals so they look more 'normal' - sometimes at the cost of your sexual health.
And because dyadic people feel really uncomfortable when you don't fit into their silly boxes, you aren't assigned 'intersex' at birth - if it even is apparent at birth that you were intersex. You're assigned male or female. That's your AGAB.
Now that we've discussed sex and AGAB, let's talk gender.
Your gender is totally independent of both your sex and your AGAB. Your gender is a lot less physical and a lot more mental - though it CAN be based partly on physical factors. That's where sex dysphoria - or the lack thereof - comes from (as well as the way trans people are taught to see our bodies as gendered).
Your gender can be male, female, both, neither, neutral, in-between, nonexistant, or so complicated that you can't even figure it out! You can be a single person with multiple genders. Like mine, your gender can be fluid - you can be male on some days, female on others, in-between on others, and neither on the rest.
If you are AFAB and your gender is female and EXCLUSIVELY female, you are a cisgender, or cis, woman or girl. If you are AMAB and your gender is male and EXCLUSIVELY male, you are a cis man or boy. If those things don't describe you, you are transgender, or trans.
Cis women, you KNOW you're women. That knowledge wouldn't change for you, even if you spontaneously grew a penis. Inside, no matter what, you'd still be a woman. It's that way for trans women, too. The only difference is, they didn't spontaneously grow a penis. They've just always had one. Some of them want it gone. Some don't. Some don't really care. No matter what, they're still women.
But unlike them, you have the privilege of always being seen as and treated as the gender you know you are. People just take your word for it when you say you're a woman. Trans women don't have that privilege.
And cis men, take what I just said about trans women and replace 'women' with 'men' and 'penis' with 'vagina' or 'boobs'. Unlike trans men, you have the privilege of always being seen and treated as a man, the gender you know you are. People just take your word for it when you say you're a man.
That's called cis privilege. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or that we hate you. But it's not fair that you have this privilege over trans people. You were born into a culture that oppresses trans people, even though that oppression can backfire on you, and were taught to go along with it. So we're - and by we I mean feminists and trans rights activists - trying to make that stop. Makes sense?
Now, onto gender expression.
Think about the things your culture associates with men or women. I live in the United States, so my culture associates these things with women, girls, and femininity...
- Dresses
- Dolls
- Pink
- Lace
- Silk
- Skirts
- Flowers
- Being nurturing and gentle
- Being emotional
- High heels
- Pastel colors
- Satin
- Hair bows
- Dancing
- Long hair
- Makeup
- Butterflies
- Jewelry
- Being artistic
- Unicorns
- Being demure and coy
- Princesses
And here are the things my culture associates with men, boys, and masculinity...
- Sports, especially contact sports like football and hockey
- Superheroes
- Hunting
- Fishing
- Being stoic
- Short hair
- Body hair, especially on legs and armpits
- Dark colors (think about how "men's products" are usually sold in black or dark blue packages)
- Being rugged
- Facial hair
- Large animals like bears or tigers
- Dinosaurs
- Suits
- Ties and bowties
- The outdoors
- Metal
- Rock music
- T-shirts and jeans
- Blue
- Being protective
- Being aggressive
- Dragons
- Geek culture (even though women, young women and teenage girls especially, basically INVENTED geekiness...)
- Being bold and outspoken
- Knights
Now, do the things on the 'woman' list describe all women? Do the things on the 'man' list describe all men? No! These are just the things that contemporary American culture arbitrarily deems 'womanly' or 'manly', even though women can be masculine and men can be feminine and nonbinary people can have any combination of traits. And it's ridiculous and sexist and cissexist. It's not good for anyone.
Why can't we just like what we like?
But I can rant about heteronormative gender roles another time. The point of this is to say that, in my culture, if the 'femininity' list describes you most closely, your gender expression is probably feminine. If the 'masculinity' list describes you most closely, your gender expression is probably masculine. If, like me, you fall somewhere in-between the two, your gender expression is probably fluid, neutral, or androgynous.
And if you are a man who is androgynous or feminine, or a woman who is androgynous or masculine, you might choose not to label yourself at all. But if you want to, here are some things you could call yourself: femme, butch, gender-nonconforming, gender variant, boi, gender creative, tomboy, ladyboy, sissy, or AG. Or you could make up a label on your own! (But be warned: because gender nonconformity is so sexualized, some of these terms have very sexual connotations. Also, some of them, such as femme and butch, are exclusive to the LGBTQIA community. Be careful about which one, if any, you pick.)
This post is getting really long. Also my blood sugar is low and I'm really hungry. So I'm going to end this post and explain sexual and romantic orientation next time around. I hope this cleared up some lingering questions some of you had.
