So You Think You Might Be Queer

My last post was about different 'invisible identities', that is, queer identities that most people haven't heard about or think are just 'Tumblr words.' I'm aromantic and genderfluid and have friends that are aromantic, asexual, and nonbinary. These words are real, and there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people around the world that use them. Maybe you do, too. Maybe you did before, and maybe you do now that you know what they really mean. Maybe you want labels. Maybe you don't. In any case...

• If you're nonbinary or genderqueer, you don't necessarily have to do anything. If you are fine with using the pronouns associated with your birth-assigned gender, that's fine and you don't have to correct anyone. If you would rather use a different set of pronouns - no matter how "made up" they sound - that's fine too, and the people in your life should respect that. You don't have to start dressing differently if you don't want to, you don't have to change your name if you don't want to, and you don't have to 'pass' if you don't want to, no matter where you fall under the gender variant umbrella. Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy, take care of yourself, and surround yourself with positive people who respect you. Some men wear dresses. Some women wear tuxedos. Anybody who can't deal with that isn't worth your time. 

Even with all of this, though, you have to remember that gender variant people are statistically very likely to be raped or murdered (ex. the six trans women of color, Kristina Gomez Reinwald, 46; Penny Proud, 21;  Vasmin Vash Payne, 22; Taja DeJesus, 36; Ty Underwood, 24; and Lamia Beard, 30, who have been murdered in 2015; as well as the one white trans woman, Bri Golec, 22, who was also murdered) or to face emotional and physical abuse from our families, as well as romantic and queerplatonic partners. It would be a good idea, for your personal physical safety, to carry a weapon and/or a can of Mace, as well as to take a self-defense class, and to keep the numbers for domestic abuse and transgender safety hotlines. When I'm walking alone somewhere, I try to keep a sharp object with me, even if it's just my yarn hook or a pair of scissors or a set of keys; part of the reason I'm trying to get more physically fit is that I will be better able to fight off an attacker if I ever need to. Remember that there are no rules if and when your life is in danger. That said, if you ever are violently attacked, the attack was not your fault.

• If you're aromantic, remember that you are not broken. You're not just 'waiting for the right person'. Especially if you are not a cis man, this 'magical right person' often oh-so-mysteriously seems to be a cis man in the eyes of the concerned friends and relatives who tell you about your alleged need to find them, and you are likely to be called frigid or bitchy or snotty if someone shows romantic interest in you and you say no (also, if you are a woman who is aromantic and allosexual, you are likely to be called a sl*t or a wh*re, or to be chastised by 'concerned' people, if you have sex...or do anything that could possibly be interpreted to mean interest in sex. That's called slut shaming and it's completely unacceptable, but I don't want to derail here).

 Most media portrayals of people with your romantic orientation are shown as tortured or unfeeling and you will often be erased, even within the queer community. It can be easy to internalize that oppression. But you're not unfeeling or tortured. You are real, you are legitimate, and you deserve respect. There is more than one way to fall in love. If someone is harassing you, you have every right to feel offended and hurt, to tell them to...I don't know...go stick a cactus up their butthole or something...and to take whatever measures necessary to make the harassment stop. You are not obligated to allow anyone to talk to you, to touch you, or even to be in your presence if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe with them there. You are also, like every other queer person, not obligated to come out if you don't want to. You don't owe anyone anything.

Most of this, if not all, also applies to asexuals, who are in terms of culture and oppression, very similar to the aromantic community.

And I think that's it. If you'd like me to add something, just let me know in the comments.