Dear Allies...

Like many other marginalized people, I have had issues with prejudice. Not okay, but also not surprising.

What is kind of surprising is that the aggression I've faced from people who are privileged in ways that I am not sometimes comes from people who claim to respect the communities to which I belong or to be allies to us. I've seen a straight cis girl enter a safe space for queer youth and say that if we were offended by queerphobic jokes, that was our own fault and we should just choose not to listen. When I called out this fanfiction writer on their usage of an ableist slur, they proceeded to inform me that I, a neurodivergent person who has actually been called said slur, was being oversensitive, that I was attacking them, and that I had no right to call them ableist...because they don't think disabled people - and, regardless of what abled people might think, there are people who identify as disabled  - are a burden on society. Then there was Paula Deen's usage of the n-word (I'm white, but I was pissed off and rightfully so. I don't care what the guy was doing, and frankly I doubt she's even telling the truth about the circumstances - she's white and therefore she does not get to use the n-word. The fact that she does and has not apologized for this makes her racist. Period).

So! Let's get on with the post, shall we? 

1. You do not get a fucking cookie.

It seems like some allies assume that because they support a marginalized community, that community is somehow obligated to shower them with respect or make special allowances for them - what is known in the online activist community as 'ally cookies'. No one is going to give you an ally cookie and you don't deserve one. You aren't special for being a decent human being.

2. You do not get to decide if you are an ally.

Okay, it might seem rude to tell someone this, but when people disrespect me - and my quasi allies often have - I reserve the right to be rude. I reserve the right to judge. I reserve the right to tell people off, to use profanity to get a point across, and to be a pain in the ass. And I should do these things, because when people are being problematic, it needs to be made clear that their behavior is unacceptable. I will call them out and I won't really care if that bothers them. If they insistently disrespect my identity, dominate my safe spaces, and refuse to listen when I or others like me speak, I do not consider them my ally.

Privileged people, you do not get to decide if you are an ally. The community you are supporting does.

3. Be respectful when entering safe spaces.

I am a member of a few different Facebook groups dominated by people of color, and marketed towards people of color. The Official Black Poetry Cafe is one of my favorites, and I definitely recommend it to any people of color or allies to people of color who write poetry. Fantastic group, and very talented poets.

Now, it's okay that I, a white intersectional feminist, am in a poetry group dominated by black people (though it is open to all races) because I do not make assumptions about the other writers, because I am respectful, because I am careful not to dominate the discussion, because I acknowledge that I am privileged, because I respect that the group is their safe space and I am a guest, and because I know when to...

4. Shut up and listen.

This is yet another thing that many allies seem to have a problem with. It is something that I used to have a problem with.

 It's understandable; no one wants to acknowledge that they have the potential to systemically dehumanize, devalue, and demean a minority group. No one wants to be the bad guy. But that doesn't mean getting defensive when a marginalized person talks about the oppression they have experienced from a privileged community with which you identify is okay either. Just let them talk, let yourself be called out, and learn to apologize after being called out. Be sensitive to other people's experiences, admit that you don't know everything, and that just because something doesn't happen to you doesn't mean it never happens.

5. You are not part of the community.

This especially seems to be a problem with allies of the queer community. That girl I mentioned at the beginning of the post repeatedly insists that she is part of the queer community, despite being straight, cisgender, and dyadic. The reasoning is that she is an ally.

No. Just no. This girl is not queer. She is not part of the queer community. She is a (self-proclaimed) ally to the queer community, though because of her tendency to ignore her own privilege, consistently be defensive when called out, insist that we amend our statements (i.e. homophobes, not straight people), and to dominate conversations, I, as a queer person, do not consider her an ally. I will not consider her an ally until she apologizes for her behavior and makes an effort to not allow said behavior to continue.

Allies, when one of the marginalized people you support informs you that they don't consider you part of their community, don't get angry. Don't get defensive. The fact is, you aren't a part of their community, and it's incredibly appropriative and disrespectful to say that being an ally means that you are.

6. You are privileged. Acknowledge it.

Like I said, nobody wants to acknowledge their own privilege. Confronting the systemic power you have over other people, based on something as vital and integral as race or religion, and doing everything you possibly can to destroy that power isn't a comfy experience. It's not an easy one. But it's a necessary one, and unless you can do that, you're a bad ally.

The people you are supporting are going to call you out on your privilege and point out any bias you have because of said privilege. If you can't acknowledge that, you're just going to make people feel disrespected and ignored in their own safe spaces, and that's not okay. That's not being a good ally. So I'll offer up this article as a guide to all things privilege. Really, the entire site is just a fantastic guide in general.

So, allies, just follow the guide and...and it is really late right now, and I need sleep. Until next time.