So You Think You Might Be Queer

My last post was about different 'invisible identities', that is, queer identities that most people haven't heard about or think are just 'Tumblr words.' I'm aromantic and genderfluid and have friends that are aromantic, asexual, and nonbinary. These words are real, and there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people around the world that use them. Maybe you do, too. Maybe you did before, and maybe you do now that you know what they really mean. Maybe you want labels. Maybe you don't. In any case...

• If you're nonbinary or genderqueer, you don't necessarily have to do anything. If you are fine with using the pronouns associated with your birth-assigned gender, that's fine and you don't have to correct anyone. If you would rather use a different set of pronouns - no matter how "made up" they sound - that's fine too, and the people in your life should respect that. You don't have to start dressing differently if you don't want to, you don't have to change your name if you don't want to, and you don't have to 'pass' if you don't want to, no matter where you fall under the gender variant umbrella. Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy, take care of yourself, and surround yourself with positive people who respect you. Some men wear dresses. Some women wear tuxedos. Anybody who can't deal with that isn't worth your time. 

Even with all of this, though, you have to remember that gender variant people are statistically very likely to be raped or murdered (ex. the six trans women of color, Kristina Gomez Reinwald, 46; Penny Proud, 21;  Vasmin Vash Payne, 22; Taja DeJesus, 36; Ty Underwood, 24; and Lamia Beard, 30, who have been murdered in 2015; as well as the one white trans woman, Bri Golec, 22, who was also murdered) or to face emotional and physical abuse from our families, as well as romantic and queerplatonic partners. It would be a good idea, for your personal physical safety, to carry a weapon and/or a can of Mace, as well as to take a self-defense class, and to keep the numbers for domestic abuse and transgender safety hotlines. When I'm walking alone somewhere, I try to keep a sharp object with me, even if it's just my yarn hook or a pair of scissors or a set of keys; part of the reason I'm trying to get more physically fit is that I will be better able to fight off an attacker if I ever need to. Remember that there are no rules if and when your life is in danger. That said, if you ever are violently attacked, the attack was not your fault.

• If you're aromantic, remember that you are not broken. You're not just 'waiting for the right person'. Especially if you are not a cis man, this 'magical right person' often oh-so-mysteriously seems to be a cis man in the eyes of the concerned friends and relatives who tell you about your alleged need to find them, and you are likely to be called frigid or bitchy or snotty if someone shows romantic interest in you and you say no (also, if you are a woman who is aromantic and allosexual, you are likely to be called a sl*t or a wh*re, or to be chastised by 'concerned' people, if you have sex...or do anything that could possibly be interpreted to mean interest in sex. That's called slut shaming and it's completely unacceptable, but I don't want to derail here).

 Most media portrayals of people with your romantic orientation are shown as tortured or unfeeling and you will often be erased, even within the queer community. It can be easy to internalize that oppression. But you're not unfeeling or tortured. You are real, you are legitimate, and you deserve respect. There is more than one way to fall in love. If someone is harassing you, you have every right to feel offended and hurt, to tell them to...I don't know...go stick a cactus up their butthole or something...and to take whatever measures necessary to make the harassment stop. You are not obligated to allow anyone to talk to you, to touch you, or even to be in your presence if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe with them there. You are also, like every other queer person, not obligated to come out if you don't want to. You don't owe anyone anything.

Most of this, if not all, also applies to asexuals, who are in terms of culture and oppression, very similar to the aromantic community.

And I think that's it. If you'd like me to add something, just let me know in the comments.

Invisible Identities

I personally think a lot more people would identify as asexual or aromantic or nonbinary if they knew what the terms meant. So I'm providing a list.

Invisible romantic orientations:

gray-romantic (what I am)

demiromantic

lithromantic/akoiromantic

WTFromantic
cupioromantic

recipromantic
requiesromantic
abroromantic

Invisible sexual orientations:

asexuality

gray-a

demisexual

pansexual

cupiosexual
recipsexual
requiessexual
abrosexual

Invisible (a)gender identities:

genderqueer

agender

neutrois

genderfluid (what I am; this falls under the genderqueer, nonbinary, and transgender umbrellas)

polygender

quadgender

demigirl

demiguy

bigender
nan0gender
Gender Trojan
maverique

On Being Gray-Panromantic

TW: mentions of pregnancy and genitalia, mentions of queer in-community prejudice, discussion of amatonormativity, cissexism, and heterosexism

Something awesome about realizing you're queer is that, depending on your situation, you learn about things about queer culture that most cishet people would never even consider. You learn new words, like demisexual, genderqueer, and queerplatonic. You learn that there are many different ways to be queer, and the differences between gender and sex, polyamory and threesomes, gender presentation and gender identity, sexual orientation and romantic orientation, sexual orientation and sexual behavior.

You can, in queer spaces, announce that you're not entirely sure what your gender is or that you have two moms or that you're voluntarily having your testes removed or that you sometimes feel like there's a phantom penis between your legs or that you don't have any gender at all, and no one will bat an eye. Talk of pregnant men isn't relegated to speculative fiction; colors, clothing and toys have no gender; no one assumes you're straight when you mention your significant other; polyamory isn't just for Mormons; ranting about which bathroom to use is a thing; and "What are your pronouns?" is a legitimate, important, and (somewhat) normalized question. It's great. (I mean, the queer community is still really fucked-up and allosexist and monosexist and cissexist and kinkphobic and misogynistic and racist in a lot of cases. Still, there are some things that only other queer people understand.)

Of course, everyone's different, but this has been my experience and that of some other queer people I've talked to. I never knew I was genderfluid until I became involved with queer culture because of my bisexuality. I barely knew of gender diversity beyond cis men and cis women, so how was I supposed to understand that there are literally thousands of awesome and beautiful ways to experience gender?

But that's not the topic of this post. The topic of this post is that, since I'm queer, I have mostly queer friends, and I'm pretty active in the community, I have a better understanding of queer culture in relation to romantic and sexual orientation than most. I understand, where most cishet people wouldn't, that sexual orientation and romantic orientation are two different things.

I mean, I'm still not some Guru of Rainbow Wisdom (as awesome as that would be...). Until a gray-romantic friend of mine explained her romantic orientation to me, I had no understanding of what the term gray-romantic meant. I hadn't realized that my general indifference to and bafflement concerning romance (Yes, this includes cis men. I don't want a husband or wife or wubby or kids. I want a platonic life partner who I have sex with without it being weird, a cat because CATS, an apartment in Royal Oak, and some friends' kids that I can occasionally spoil. I can be happy for and even ship alloromantic couples, but I rarely want romance or experience romantic attraction myself and it's sometimes weird or uncomfortable for me to see alloromantic couples being cutesy right in front of me in real life) and lack of initial romantic attraction meant I wasn't biromantic, as I'd originally thought upon realizing I was queer. For people like me, who fall in the gray-area between romantic and aromantic, things aren't so simple.

What being aromantic doesn't mean:

• That I'm unfeeling
• That I can't love (love is more than just romance)
• That any sexual relationship I have, with anyone of any gender or sex, is based on only lust (thus far, I haven't had any sexual relationships with anyone)
• That it's just a Tumblr thing
• That I will never experience romantic love (aromantic identity is a spectrum. Not all aromantics experience being aromantic the same way. However, I have ever really gotten a crush - which, to me, means that I have seriously thought being in a not-totally-platonic relationship with them would be really nice - on two people. The first time, I lost interest pretty quickly and the second time, the person had been someone I'd known and been friends with for awhile. Neither of them have been guys. One person had been nonbinary and the other was a cis girl.)

What being aromantic (gray-panromantic specifically) does mean (this applies to me only because aromantic experiences are very diverse and all aromantics are different):

• That, approximately 90% of the time, I feel no interest in romance
• That I can develop romantic interest in someone whom I've already formed a strong platonic bond with (i.e. if I've been close friends with them for awhile and I feel safe and comfortable around them)
• That I occasionally feel slight romantic attraction, but this doesn't happen often
• That I could have a queerplatonic, quasiplatonic, or romantic relationship and be happy
• That I need to feel completely safe, happy, and comfortable with someone before I can develop romantic attraction to them
• That, when I do develop romantic attraction and/or interest in someone, gender (or lack thereof) doesn't really affect my feelings toward that person.
• That, when I do develop romantic attraction and/or interest, it can be toward someone of any gender (or lack thereof). This, and the bullet immediately above, is why I also label my romantic identity as pan.

And that's pretty much it. Hey, I've used this blog to come out as bisexual, pagan (well, omnist, but I do tend to lean toward paganism on many issues), and genderfluid. Why not as aromantic?

Everyday Feminism

I love this magazine, and it has some really great intersectional and feminist articles. So I'm reblogging them for Women's History Month.

Celebrating the Love between Queer Women of Color - in 25 Gorgeous Photos

Patricia Arquette's Heart is in the Right Place and We Still Need To Call Her In

How Misogyny Shows Up in the Queer Community

"Witch Hunt" by Arati Warrier

When Street Harassers Are the Only People Calling You Beautiful

Things Straight Women Should Stop Saying to Queer Women

"Brown Girl" by Yesika Salgado

Why Black Women with Dark Skin are Beautiful

"For Teenage Girls" by Clementine von Radics

Consent vs. Silence

"Word Choice" by Imani Cezanne

"Trigger" by Terisa Siagatonu

Rejected Princesses

I just love this Tumblr blog and it's great for Women's History Month. Yes, the author (a straight white man) is incredibly privileged, but he still seems to be an awesome feminist and ally to women. So, yep, read it because it's awesome.

Quotes on Womanhood by Women

Happy Women's History Month!

“It’s the fire in my eyes, 
And the flash of my teeth, 
The swing in my waist, 
And the joy in my feet. 
I’m a woman 
Phenomenally.” - Maya Angelou

“Anything may happen when womanhood has ceased to be a protected occupation.” - Virginia Woolf

“I will never be scared to love me.
I am a force to be reckoned with.
I am beautiful.” - Alexandra Elle

“The hardest part has been learning how to take myself seriously when the entire world is constantly telling me that femininity is always inferior to masculinity” - Julia Serano

“The start of empowering women comes with acknowledgment of thought that every born child is equal irrespective of its sex. ” - Nikita Dudani

“For my relationships with men to change, I needed to change my relationship to myself as a woman.”  - Gloria Ng

“In trans women's eyes, I see a wisdom that can only come from having to fight for your right to be recognized as female, a raw strength that only comes fro unabashedly asserting your right to be feminine in an inhospitable world." - Julia Serano

“A woman with opinions had better develop a thick skin and a loud voice.” - Anya Seton

“Even to me the issue of "stay small, sweet, quiet, and modest" sounds like an outdated problem, but the truth is that women still run into those demands whenever we find and use our voices.” - Brene Brown

“I want to be strong and empowered. I want to shock everybody.” - Vanessa Hudgens

“I'd rather be thought of as smart, capable, strong, and compassionate than beautiful. Those things all persist long after beauty fades.” - Cassandra Duffy

“Books make dangerous devils out of women.” - Yxta Maya Murray

“Like other women who sought equality, the amount of trouble I cause is inversely proportional to my physical size.” - Cassandra Duffy

“Our mothers were largely silent about what happened to them as they passed through this midlife change. But a new generation of women has already started to break the wall of silence.” - Trisha Posner

“A woman brings so much more to the world than birth, for she can birth discovery, intelligence, invention, art, just as well as any man.” - Shannon Celebi

“The one person who will never leave us, whom we will never lose, is ourself. Learning to love our female selves is where our search for love must begin.” - bell hooks

"I am not only a casualty, I am also a warrior." - Audre Lorde

"Before I die, I will see our community [the queer community, but specifically trans women] given the respect we deserve. I'll be damned if I'm going to my grave without having the respect this community deserves. I want to go wherever I go with that in my soul and peacefully say I've finally overcome." - Sylvia Rivera

Dear Cishet Boy

This poem was inspired by all the crap queer youth face from our cishet male peers, as well as the violence queer people (especially trans women of color) face from cishet men.

Dear Cishet Boy

Dear cishet boy, get over yourself.

You are not a sex god.

That lesbian is never going to beg for your dick.

She's not interested, not in any guy -

It's not that she just hasn't had sex with YOU.

Your genitalia ain't magic, son.

Dear cishet boy, making fun of gay guys is not amusing.

It's not a joke.

It's not a game.

And the so-called faggot

That you think is hitting on you?

He's not. So shut up.

Dear cishet boy, trans people are not confused.

We're not tr*nnies, crossdressers, or sick.

We're trans.

You're confused.

Dear cishet boy, we don't give a damn if you're Christian.
Some of us are Christian too,
And from the ones that aren't?
God doesn't hate us. You do.
We may not be able to change your beliefs,
But you need to understand that your religious freedom
Ends with you.

Dear cishet boy, trans women are not tricking you.
They're not trying to 'turn you gay' or lying or pretending,
Faking, drag queens. They are not obligated to disclose,
As if they were not real women. Trans women are REAL WOMEN.
Their bodies simply look a little different than a cis woman's,
But why should that matter? They are beautiful.
All bodies are beautiful, worthy of love and praise,
Worthy of so much more,
So much more than the tragedies, the violence, your fellow men
Subject these women to.
And we shall forever remember their names.

Dear cishet boy, WE ARE PEOPLE.
We are people in all our rainbow glory,
Transgender, bisexual, lesbian, gay,
Ace, pan, aro, nonbinary.
We are PEOPLE.
We are VALUED.
We are BEAUTIFUL.
Every color of the rainbow and then some.

Dear cishet boy,
Our queer siblings have been murdered,
Slandered,
Misgendered,
Beaten,
Raped,
All of these by people like you.
They have bled, they have cried,
They have died.
But we will survive
And we will forever remember their names.

I Just...(TW: rape, homophobia, child molestation, pedophilia, mention of death, Christianity, sexism, victim-blaming, ableist language, conversion therapy)

I saw the most horrifying conversation about this video. Obviously, the therapist was horrible and deserves to have his license and Ph.D revoked and the boy's parents are absolutely disgusting people for putting their child in conversion therapy. All three of them need to be in prison as far as I'm concerned.

But that's not even the worst of what people have said. Don't read the rest of this post unless you're feeling powerful; even as I write this post, my stomach is twisting up in knots and my hands are shaking so hard I can barely keep from misspelling every word (yay for spell check and fancy education). I'm only doing so because I hope that one day, no one will have to write these posts.

A straight cis Christian man, Pittman STEELE LLC, had this to say: "gay is not normal, it is a Lifestyle, yeah you have the right to do as you please that's between you and God, but dont try to make it normal it has been around for centuries, and it's angering God the whole time!,...and remember when there was no AIDS, look if you want to be Gay be Gay but you don't have to advertise your sexual preference, im straight but I don't have to announce it, our sexual life is Private and it should always be that way, if someone is Gay ok, but don't try to rewrite Scriptures and make a fool of GOD, he didn't want this to be a part of our lives, people chose their Path and thats their right, but at some point you will have to Answer to the ALL MIGHT GOD, read the word it is clear that God wanted no parts of this type of lifestyle, dont get me wrong God didnt want straight men running around shagging every woman they encounter either but im just saying."

1. Being queer isn't a lifestyle. A 'lifestyle' would imply that it's a choice. Which it's not.
I never chose to be bisexual. I never chose to be gray-panromantic. I never chose to be genderfluid. I was just born this way (edit: I wrote this post before Lady Gaga made her transphobic and intersexphobic comments and before I came out to myself as gray-ace). The only thing I chose was to not hate myself.
2. Don't try to make it normal? Why the hell not? Part of the reason queer people are so discriminated against is because straight-ness and cis-ness are considered the default, the norm. And you know what? Let's just get rid of this ridiculous normal concept altogether and celebrate the fact that we're all different and all awesome. But a lot of people get treated like absolute shit and we need to change that. And honestly, marginalized people give no fucks if privileged people feel oppressed by our demanding to be treated with respect and dignity, our trying to "make it normal".
3. Of course he doesn't have to announce his heterosexuality. People are just going to assume it. No one's going to blink if he held hands with his girlfriend in public. But if I held hands in public with mine (if and when I get one) when I'm not passing for male? We are likely to have hateful slurs screamed at us by total strangers or risk being attacked and raped, being denied medical treatment or jobs or the privilege to adopt kids (not that adopting kids is really relevant right now) or service in restaurants and stores.
4. Yes, people's sexual lives are private...as long as they're not queer, apparently.
5. Don't try to rewrite Scriptures? What makes this guy think queer people, many of whom are culturally atheist or Jewish or Muslim or pagan or are culturally Christian but leave Christianity after being discriminated against by straight cis Christians (often straight cis Christians whom they trusted and loved, which makes the whole thing that much more twisted and vile), are at all interested in what the Bible has to say?
6. Who the hell does this guy think he is, thinking he knows what God wants? He's not God. Think about that for a moment. Now repeat it in your mind until you understand. Also, all Christians reading this who 'love homosexuals but hate homosexuality'? Back the fuck off. You're not God. You don't get to tell me or anyone else how to live our lives. You don't get to cause us psychological damage or concern troll or try to force us to conform to your ideals because you want to 'save' us...but many of you do all of that anyway. That shit is not okay.

Freedom of religion does not mean freedom of Christianity.

Another straight cis Christian man, PrepperWork Shop, said this (and many other atrocious things): "and a man and a woman is not some deviant behavior most faggots are kid fiddlers."

I'd call him out, but the other commenters did it so much better than I ever could. Particularly a rather badass woman named Ariella.

Here's what she had to say (among many other awesome things): "Really? 'Most homosexuals are kid fiddlers?' Because...I was raped as a kid by a straight man. So, yeah. Exhibit A."

And here's what PrepperWork Shop told her in reply: "Well you shouldn't have provoked it."

He just victim-blamed her for being raped. As a child, by a grown man.

Honestly, there is just so fucking much wrong with both of these men. As Ariella puts it: "you deserve to die. You and Pittman both deserve to go to prison and be forced to pick up the soap every single fucking day for the rest of your lives until the other inmates drag you off and torture you both until you die screaming."

*wide-eyed slow clap*

The things people say on the internet. Just those things.

I do believe Ariella concluded this post better than I could.

Demanding To Be Respected Is Not Rude (TW: cissexism, invalidation)

Like a lot of other transgender teens, I've dealt with a lot of shit from a lot of well-meaning cis people - usually adults - who have decided they know me better than I do because of what my body looks like. And like a lot of transgender teens, I've been silenced when I tell them they're wrong.

Ugh, it would just be really awesome if people could comprehend that genitalia=/=gender. BODIES DO NOT HAVE INHERENT GENDERS. People do (usually, that is; there are people who don't have any gender at all). I'm genderfluid. My body is genderfluid. Nobody gets to dictate what my gender is but me, and I do have the right to demand that other people respect that.

I've been harassed online by transphobes, called a 'special snowflake', gawked at like I was a circus freak, and laughed off or yelled at when I got upset about being misgendered.

One of the most frequent examples consists of my mother calling me 'Miss Girl', me telling her not to call me that, her yelling that I have attitude, me yelling back not to call me Miss Girl, her pouting, her or my stepdad deciding to call me by my horribly feminine legal name, me telling them not to call me that, and them saying that it 'is my legal name.'

I'm not explicitly out to either of them as genderfluid. That doesn't matter. What does matter is that:
1. I have asked to not be called...that name, or any other bullshit feminine 'term of affection' that she or anyone else can possibly think of (bullshit because I don't believe you can have affection for someone if you don't respect them, which she clearly doesn't if she can't do this one small thing to honor my wishes).
2. My mother assumes and has assumed for my entire life that I'm a girl and only a girl, based solely on my genitalia, and her ignorance is not my fault.
3. She is the one who decided to name me...that...when I was a baby and too small and helpless to tell her that I would have preferred something more androgynous, too young and ignorant to even know what transgender meant. She decided, not based on anything I said but on the perception of someone who barely knew me, that I was her daughter. Never once considering that maybe I was her son, or just her child*. Therefore, I don't consider that name valid for anything but legal purposes, and I hope to make it invalid even in legal purposes when I'm financially independent.

For these reasons, I have every right to be angry when my mother or anyone else uses gendered language for me that I have asked them not to use, regardless of whether or not they know I'm genderfluid. When I am angry or when I correct them...yet again...they may not, however, say that I'm being rude or that I have attitude or anything like that. They are the ones being rude. They are making assumptions about me based on what my body looks like, and my body is no one's business and no one's to judge but my own. No one, not even my doctor, has deference over me when it comes to that.

*Whether I prefer to be called son or daughter or child, niece or nephew or nex (the gender-neutral term I created as a substitute for niece/nephew because there wasn't an existing one to the best of my knowledge), granddaughter or grandson or grandchild (I don't need to worry about brother/sister/sibling or aunt/uncle/xantle) depends on whether I feel more male, more female, both, or neither that day. Sometimes you can tell based on my clothing which one it is, but really the best thing to do is to just ask me. Or, if you're introducing me to someone, let me speak for myself so I can tell the person you're introducing me to how I know you without making implications about my own gender (e.g. Fran is my grandma, Jennifer is my aunt, etc).