Okay, yes, I already came out as bisexual. And I know I'm bisexual, that much is obvious.
Which makes the confirmation that I'm also gray-a extra confusing. I mean, I know about the gray-ace spectrum. I started wondering if I was asexual last year and opened up about it on a few queer youth forums about the fact that while I experience sexual attraction, I rarely ever have the desire to actually have sex. I have turn-ons, fantasies, other things that I won't go into here because I have family reading this blog...ahem.
There's some dispute in the ace community over whether you can still be asexual if you do sexual things, which is why I pretty much put the possibility out of my mind a few months back. The whole awkward questioning-my-sexuality thing only started up again when I joined a group for arospec (aromantic spectrum) people on Skittlr and realized how much I related to what the other gray-asexuals in the group said about their sexual orientation.
Like them, I...
(For Latin@ asexuals) How Latina 'Spicy and Sexy' Stereotypes Hurt Asexual Latinas
Let Them Eat Cake: On Being Demisexual
Sh*t People Say to Asexuals
...and also these:
The Person Who Sent You This Is Asexual
(A)Sexual Story (note that some things here don't apply to me, as the man featured in the video is on a different place on the asexual spectrum than I, and also because he's intended to be older than seventeen...I'd guess he's around nineteen or twenty)
Asexual: Yes, We Do Masturbate
What It's Like to Be Asexual
No Sex?! - Asexuality
Which makes the confirmation that I'm also gray-a extra confusing. I mean, I know about the gray-ace spectrum. I started wondering if I was asexual last year and opened up about it on a few queer youth forums about the fact that while I experience sexual attraction, I rarely ever have the desire to actually have sex. I have turn-ons, fantasies, other things that I won't go into here because I have family reading this blog...ahem.
There's some dispute in the ace community over whether you can still be asexual if you do sexual things, which is why I pretty much put the possibility out of my mind a few months back. The whole awkward questioning-my-sexuality thing only started up again when I joined a group for arospec (aromantic spectrum) people on Skittlr and realized how much I related to what the other gray-asexuals in the group said about their sexual orientation.
Like them, I...
- don't like being touched in ways that I don't initiate and control (i.e. hugs with anyone other than close friends and family members, shaking hands)
- have a libido, but about half the time, it's not actually directed at anyone
- am usually apathetic and disinterested toward actually having sex, despite experiencing sexual attraction and doing sexual things
- have turn-ons and fantasies, but am more attracted by these things than by actual people
- only want to actually have sex in very specific situations
- am confused by how much allosexuals seem to want sex
- have a distaste for body fluid (especially other people's. I mean, ew.)
- sometimes have trouble differentiating between sexual and aesthetic attraction
So, yes, I'm asexual.
I'm also bi. The labels I use for my sexuality are pretty varied: queer, gay, lesbian, bi, pan, ace, gray-a, gray-bisexual, gray-pansexual. I'm all of them.
The labels might change...or they might not, but the only one who gets to define who I am is me. There's no rule that says I can't change my mind, and having spent a lot of time interacting with the queer community, I know how complex our sexualities can be and how the terms we use to identify ourselves can change with our level of self-understanding. Even I get confused by my sexuality sometimes. But then I also get this sense of pride and self-love (it's a queer thing; you'd have to be one of us to get it) and I just laugh at how ridiculously complicated and awesome sexuality can be. And despite all the homophobic, sapphobic, acephobic, arophobic, and transphobic crap I've experienced in this awkward and fantastic journey that happened ever since I realized that liking all genders but not wanting sex meant I probably wasn't straight - no, ever since I tried to come out to my dad as transgender at five years old - I feel like it's been worth it and that being queer is amazing. And it is. Despite everything, it is.
If anyone wants to learn more about asexuality, check out these resources from the intersectional magazine Everyday Feminism:
(For Latin@ asexuals) How Latina 'Spicy and Sexy' Stereotypes Hurt Asexual Latinas
Let Them Eat Cake: On Being Demisexual
Sh*t People Say to Asexuals
...and also these:
The Person Who Sent You This Is Asexual
(A)Sexual Story (note that some things here don't apply to me, as the man featured in the video is on a different place on the asexual spectrum than I, and also because he's intended to be older than seventeen...I'd guess he's around nineteen or twenty)
Asexual: Yes, We Do Masturbate
What It's Like to Be Asexual
No Sex?! - Asexuality
You can also go to Tumblr and ask the asexual bloggers some questions. I recommend my friend Christina, who is also aro ace. There are a lot of stereotypes about queer youth on Tumblr, but actually, we're pretty helpful and friendly, and willing to answer questions as long as you're polite. The terms we use for our sexual and romantic orientations and gender identities might confuse you, but honestly, just ask. I would so rather people just asked me questions about my queerness than came up with all these really weird stereotypes for themselves.
And no, these queer identities aren't just "made up." I mean, I'm basically a walking, talking Tumblr queer stereotype - gray-biromantic, gray-bisexual, and genderqueer - and yet, I exist. I'm real. These other bloggers are, too.
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