On Realizing I'm Asexual

Okay, yes, I already came out as bisexual. And I know I'm bisexual, that much is obvious.

Which makes the confirmation that I'm also gray-a extra confusing. I mean, I know about the gray-ace spectrum. I started wondering if I was asexual last year and opened up about it on a few queer youth forums about the fact that while I experience sexual attraction, I rarely ever have the desire to actually have sex. I have turn-ons, fantasies, other things that I won't go into here because I have family reading this blog...ahem.

There's some dispute in the ace community over whether you can still be asexual if you do sexual things, which is why I pretty much put the possibility out of my mind a few months back. The whole awkward questioning-my-sexuality thing only started up again when I joined a group for arospec (aromantic spectrum) people on Skittlr and realized how much I related to what the other gray-asexuals in the group said about their sexual orientation.

Like them, I...

• don't like being touched in ways that I don't initiate and control (i.e. hugs with anyone other than close friends and family members, shaking hands)
• have a libido, but about half the time, it's not actually directed at anyone
• am usually apathetic and disinterested toward actually having sex, despite experiencing sexual attraction and doing sexual things
• have turn-ons and fantasies, but am more attracted by these things than by actual people
• only want to actually have sex in very specific situations
• am confused by how much allosexuals seem to want sex
• have a distaste for body fluid (especially other people's. I mean, ew.)
• sometimes have trouble differentiating between sexual and aesthetic attraction

So, yes, I'm asexual.

I'm also bi. The labels I use for my sexuality are pretty varied: queer, gay, lesbian, bi, pan, ace, gray-a, gray-bisexual, gray-pansexual. I'm all of them.

The labels might change...or they might not, but the only one who gets to define who I am is me. There's no rule that says I can't change my mind, and having spent a lot of time interacting with the queer community, I know how complex our sexualities can be and how the terms we use to identify ourselves can change with our level of self-understanding. Even I get confused by my sexuality sometimes. But then I also get this sense of pride and self-love (it's a queer thing; you'd have to be one of us to get it) and I just laugh at how ridiculously complicated and awesome sexuality can be. And despite all the homophobic, sapphobic, acephobic, arophobic, and transphobic crap I've experienced in this awkward and fantastic journey that happened ever since I realized that liking all genders but not wanting sex meant I probably wasn't straight - no, ever since I tried to come out to my dad as transgender at five years old - I feel like it's been worth it and that being queer is amazing. And it is. Despite everything, it is.

If anyone wants to learn more about asexuality, check out these resources from the intersectional magazine Everyday Feminism:

Debunking 5 Common Myths About Asexuality

How Does Asexual Dating Work?

How Asexuality Is More Complicated Than You Think

(For Latin@ asexuals) How Latina 'Spicy and Sexy' Stereotypes Hurt Asexual Latinas

Let Them Eat Cake: On Being Demisexual

Sh*t People Say to Asexuals

...and also these:

The Person Who Sent You This Is Asexual

(A)Sexual Story (note that some things here don't apply to me, as the man featured in the video is on a different place on the asexual spectrum than I, and also because he's intended to be older than seventeen...I'd guess he's around nineteen or twenty)

Asexual: Yes, We Do Masturbate

What It's Like to Be Asexual

No Sex?! - Asexuality

You can also go to Tumblr and ask the asexual bloggers some questions. I recommend my friend Christina, who is also aro ace. There are a lot of stereotypes about queer youth on Tumblr, but actually, we're pretty helpful and friendly, and willing to answer questions as long as you're polite. The terms we use for our sexual and romantic orientations and gender identities might confuse you, but honestly, just ask. I would so rather people just asked me questions about my queerness than came up with all these really weird stereotypes for themselves.

And no, these queer identities aren't just "made up." I mean, I'm basically a walking, talking Tumblr queer stereotype - gray-biromantic, gray-bisexual, and genderqueer - and yet, I exist. I'm real. These other bloggers are, too.

Time to Set the Record Again

As some of you may know, it's Nonbinary Awareness Month.

As some of you may have figured out from my previous posts, I'm genderfluid. But I'm guessing most of you don't know what that means.

Let's start with the definition of transgender, shall we? Ask the average cis (non-trans) person, and they will tell you it means 'a man who wants to be a woman' or 'a woman who wants to be a man.'

No. Just no. That definition is so wrong it's not even funny. A trans woman is a woman, regardless of what it says on her birth certificate or what is between her legs. Same goes for trans men. They - or should I say, we - are not trannies. We are transgender. We are not freak shows. We are not anyone's entertainment. We are people. We deserve the same respect accorded to any cis person. And obviously, I am including myself in that statement. Because here's the thing: I'm transgender. I've already come out as bisexual and as pagan. Why not as another part of my identity: trans?

Now, let me clarify. On my birth certificate, it says 'female.' I have all the same parts as a cis woman - and, unfortunately for me, a little more than the average cis woman when it comes to cleavage.

I do not identify as male, despite the fact that when I was five years old, I cheerfully informed my parents that I was their son and have often preferred masculine clothing from the moment I was old enough to dress myself (though there was this one awkward phase during which I tried to force myself to be feminine because I thought I was a butch lesbian and that absolutely horrified me because I had this completely ignorant image of what people with boobs and a vagina are 'supposed' to be). I occasionally wear dresses and jewelry and makeup - though these really shouldn't be considered exclusive to women; it's rather imbecilic that they are. I don't mind female pronouns, though I also want to use male or neutral ones. Because, while I am female, that's not all I am.

There are days when I feel so uncomfortable with the feminine shape of my face and the shape of my body that I just want to hide in a corner, days when I can't stand the thought of wearing a dress and my identity feels between the two binary genders. On those days, I'm androgynous. There are days when I don't mind wearing somewhat feminine clothing (but still no makeup or skirts), but still hate being gendered as female because on those days, I don't have a gender. On those days, I'm agender. And there are days when I do feel like a typical girly girl and want to wear makeup and dresses and pretty things. On those days, I'm female. And some other days, I'm somewhere in-between all of this.

In other words, my gender is fluid. Therefore, I identify as genderfluid.

Are we all clear on this? Good. For a more articulate explanation of what it's like to be genderqueer (an umbrella that encompasses all gender-nonconforming people who do not identify as the gender opposite of the one they were assigned at birth), check out this awesome video.

If you have any more questions, post them in the comments. Or ask me in person if you know me in real life.

Well That Happened

If my classmates didn't know I was bisexual before, they do now. I couldn't have made it any clearer if I'd gotten on the PA system and said, "HELLO WORLD! I'M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO GIRLS!"

In my Twentieth Century Literature (affectionately and hereafter known as Lit) class, we've been doing oral speeches about the American Dream, and how our American Dream compares to our families' dreams and those of the main characters in the novels we've read. Since Jay Gatsby's dream was to find love with Daisy, I talked about my own dreams of love:

Yes, my version of the American Dream would contain love simply because I, like anyone else, want the privilege of being able to fall in love, get married, and have kids freely and equally to anyone else, without being told that that love is wrong regardless of the gender of my spouse. Right now, that dream is out of reach for so many people, and I dream that they will be recognized as equal. I dream that people will be respected and appreciated for who they are, that no one will be condemned for being different, and that love - whether interracial, romantic or queerplatonic, between people of the same gender or sex, or between three or more people - will be accepted as being purely, simply, beautifully love.

And now they knoooow...let it go, let it go...can't hold it back anymore...let it go, let it go, turn away and slam that door. I don't care what they're going to say. The cold never bothered me anyway. (There was a theory going around Trevorspace last summer that Elsa was a lesbian. 'Let It Go' does sound a lot like the thoughts of someone abruptly coming out of the closet.)

I didn't hear any mutters of "dyke" in the audience, so that's good. There were some people snickering after I was done with my speech, but really, we're teenagers. It's not like I wasn't expecting that. For all I know, they weren't even about me.

I do think I heard someone whisper, "She's gay?" But that doesn't bother me. There's nothing wrong with noticing someone's sexual orientation, any more than there's something wrong with noticing their race or disability or body size. It only becomes wrong when you judge them for it. And contrary to what some people think, gay is not an insult. So you know what? If people want to talk about my sexuality, that is just fine. (Not that I won't be just as neurotic and weird about this as I am about everything else.)

I did get a few points off, but not for the whole coming-out thing. The teacher's a cishet ally, and she already knew anyway. It's just because I went over the time limit - I just had a lot to say. Also, after the Big Queer Announcement, I panicked and started tripping over my words. It didn't exactly help that I had stage fright to begin with. And I didn't practice my speech beforehand - I think I knew that if I thought too much about the fact that I'd be declaring my sexual orientation to an entire class of potentially homophobic teenagers, I'd run out of the room screaming or puke or something when I had to do it for real.

I'd been worse earlier, though. Two hours before the speech, I started twitching uncontrollably. It was like my old panic attacks, but bigger. Yes, I know that I made a coming-out post that literally the entire Internet-using world has access to. But really, that was the Internet. Let's face it, nothing feels as personal when you put it on the Internet. If it did, we wouldn't have flame wars or online erotica.

This is real life. And in real life, I feel like that scared fifteen-year-old again, just admitting to myself that most straight girls didn't notice other girls the way I did and terrified of telling anyone that I was different (jeez, I'm like the female Nico di Angelo). Only now, I'm not just admitting to myself that I'm bisexual. I'm admitting it to an entire school of people that could ostracize, harass, bully, or proselytize me.

But here's the thing: I'm not that scared fifteen-year-old anymore. I'm not going to hide from the truth behind food and books. This has happened, and I'm going to handle it. If I do get hurt? Well, I still have God, and God is the only one who needs to define me. 

And just like Elsa, I don't care what they're going to say. The cold never bothered me anyway.

Setting the Record Straight...Sort Of

Last month, I wrote this post, and considering my belief in letting your freak flag fly and being yourself, I feel like rather a hypocrite for writing it.

I was scared, honestly. There are some people reading this whom I know disapprove of my sexuality...and, honestly, they can just shut up. I am who I am. And who I am is neither straight nor gay. I'm bisexual.

And, well, now the record is set straight...sort of. I'm officially coming out now, and pretty soon the poop shall hit the fan. But God will get me through it.