Those of you who know about the whole coming-out drama I've had with my family (i.e. Betty, we chat about family awkwardness on NaNoWriMo occasionally) or who've read my old blog already probably understand my neuroticism over the subject matter of this post.
But many of you don't know the full story. So, I'll bring you up to speed.
The summer when I was fifteen, Ella was sixteen, Abby was thirteen, and Lili was eleven, I discovered, much to my astonishment, that my dear cousins were against homosexuality. Just about two months later, I finally realized that straight girls didn't notice other girls the way I did. Awkward much?
Around the same time, I met a really awesome teen lesbian whose name shall not be mentioned because I'm not sure if she reads this. I'll call her Marie because that's her middle name. I was crushing really hard on Marie, harder than I'd ever crushed on a guy. Of course I wanted to ask her out (I haven't thus far).
But I knew how high school worked. I knew that even if I got up the nerve to ask Marie out, people would talk once they realized I was dating a girl. I also knew that there was a good chance that this talk would make its way to my cousin Alex, who went (and still goes, he's a senior and I'm a junior) to the same school as me. I figured that he might bring this up at a family function, not knowing why it would bother me (though he probably knows I'm bi at this point and simply doesn't care). Had that happened, Ella (my "best friend" at the time, though thank goodness I've put an end to THAT) would have known my secret within minutes. And the thought of her knowing terrified me. I was really shy back then and I was afraid of losing her friendship. But letting her opinion scare me into silence like that simply wasn't healthy.
I still wanted to ask Marie out. Which, in my mind, left only one option: come out to Ella first so she'd at least hear it from me. With all the related issues, I started having what I now realize were panic attacks whenever I thought about coming out to her. Which led to panic attacks when I thought about coming out to anyone. Thankfully, after a few months I got sick of this and told Mrs. Avila, my beloved youth minister. With her support and a whole lot of prayer, I found the courage to come out to other people, to start this blog, and to stand up to my cousins. It's been a long, trying, but amazing journey. And not even two months ago, I finally had the nerve to end the unhealthy friendship I'd maintained with my cousins. We were all upset about it, but this was the best thing for all of us.
Then, I posted the poem I'd written the night I came out to Mrs. Avila. Two of my relatives commented on it: Ella's sister Abby and our grandma Fran (not the same grandma I mentioned in a post last summer. That grandma isn't entirely sure how the Internet works :) ). Grandma was awesome and wonderful and wonderfully awesome. Abby's response was harder to interpret. She said that, and I quote, "All the Micola's love you Bess!"
Is that supposed to make me less nervous? IT DOESN'T MAKE ME LESS NERVOUS!! My insides twist with anxiety every time I think about it, but I take some deep cleansing breaths and meditate to calm myself down. Things will be fine, I tell myself.
I'm right. Things WILL be fine. Yes, God will give me the strength to get through this. Yes, I know my fears might be totally irrational and I'm obsessing over nothing. Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, my obsession with this stupid little comment is practically nonexistent.
But that doesn't stop me from obsessing. Urggggggggggh. Can anyone help me dissect exactly what Abby meant?
But many of you don't know the full story. So, I'll bring you up to speed.
The summer when I was fifteen, Ella was sixteen, Abby was thirteen, and Lili was eleven, I discovered, much to my astonishment, that my dear cousins were against homosexuality. Just about two months later, I finally realized that straight girls didn't notice other girls the way I did. Awkward much?
Around the same time, I met a really awesome teen lesbian whose name shall not be mentioned because I'm not sure if she reads this. I'll call her Marie because that's her middle name. I was crushing really hard on Marie, harder than I'd ever crushed on a guy. Of course I wanted to ask her out (I haven't thus far).
But I knew how high school worked. I knew that even if I got up the nerve to ask Marie out, people would talk once they realized I was dating a girl. I also knew that there was a good chance that this talk would make its way to my cousin Alex, who went (and still goes, he's a senior and I'm a junior) to the same school as me. I figured that he might bring this up at a family function, not knowing why it would bother me (though he probably knows I'm bi at this point and simply doesn't care). Had that happened, Ella (my "best friend" at the time, though thank goodness I've put an end to THAT) would have known my secret within minutes. And the thought of her knowing terrified me. I was really shy back then and I was afraid of losing her friendship. But letting her opinion scare me into silence like that simply wasn't healthy.
I still wanted to ask Marie out. Which, in my mind, left only one option: come out to Ella first so she'd at least hear it from me. With all the related issues, I started having what I now realize were panic attacks whenever I thought about coming out to her. Which led to panic attacks when I thought about coming out to anyone. Thankfully, after a few months I got sick of this and told Mrs. Avila, my beloved youth minister. With her support and a whole lot of prayer, I found the courage to come out to other people, to start this blog, and to stand up to my cousins. It's been a long, trying, but amazing journey. And not even two months ago, I finally had the nerve to end the unhealthy friendship I'd maintained with my cousins. We were all upset about it, but this was the best thing for all of us.
Then, I posted the poem I'd written the night I came out to Mrs. Avila. Two of my relatives commented on it: Ella's sister Abby and our grandma Fran (not the same grandma I mentioned in a post last summer. That grandma isn't entirely sure how the Internet works :) ). Grandma was awesome and wonderful and wonderfully awesome. Abby's response was harder to interpret. She said that, and I quote, "All the Micola's love you Bess!"
Is that supposed to make me less nervous? IT DOESN'T MAKE ME LESS NERVOUS!! My insides twist with anxiety every time I think about it, but I take some deep cleansing breaths and meditate to calm myself down. Things will be fine, I tell myself.
I'm right. Things WILL be fine. Yes, God will give me the strength to get through this. Yes, I know my fears might be totally irrational and I'm obsessing over nothing. Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, my obsession with this stupid little comment is practically nonexistent.
But that doesn't stop me from obsessing. Urggggggggggh. Can anyone help me dissect exactly what Abby meant?
3 comments:
She probably meant that her and her family still love you, despite the fact that you have had this disagreement.
"Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle, You must fear or hate them. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate." -Rick Warren
She just meant we love you as much as we always have.
Love, Aunt Heather
Okay, because I've kind of obsessing over this ever since she posted the comment...
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