If my classmates didn't know I was bisexual before, they do now. I couldn't have made it any clearer if I'd gotten on the PA system and said, "HELLO WORLD! I'M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO GIRLS!"
In my Twentieth Century Literature (affectionately and hereafter known as Lit) class, we've been doing oral speeches about the American Dream, and how our American Dream compares to our families' dreams and those of the main characters in the novels we've read. Since Jay Gatsby's dream was to find love with Daisy, I talked about my own dreams of love:
Yes, my version of the American Dream would contain love simply because I, like anyone else, want the privilege of being able to fall in love, get married, and have kids freely and equally to anyone else, without being told that that love is wrong regardless of the gender of my spouse. Right now, that dream is out of reach for so many people, and I dream that they will be recognized as equal. I dream that people will be respected and appreciated for who they are, that no one will be condemned for being different, and that love - whether interracial, romantic or queerplatonic, between people of the same gender or sex, or between three or more people - will be accepted as being purely, simply, beautifully love.
And now they knoooow...let it go, let it go...can't hold it back anymore...let it go, let it go, turn away and slam that door. I don't care what they're going to say. The cold never bothered me anyway. (There was a theory going around Trevorspace last summer that Elsa was a lesbian. 'Let It Go' does sound a lot like the thoughts of someone abruptly coming out of the closet.)
I didn't hear any mutters of "dyke" in the audience, so that's good. There were some people snickering after I was done with my speech, but really, we're teenagers. It's not like I wasn't expecting that. For all I know, they weren't even about me.
I do think I heard someone whisper, "She's gay?" But that doesn't bother me. There's nothing wrong with noticing someone's sexual orientation, any more than there's something wrong with noticing their race or disability or body size. It only becomes wrong when you judge them for it. And contrary to what some people think, gay is not an insult. So you know what? If people want to talk about my sexuality, that is just fine. (Not that I won't be just as neurotic and weird about this as I am about everything else.)
I did get a few points off, but not for the whole coming-out thing. The teacher's a cishet ally, and she already knew anyway. It's just because I went over the time limit - I just had a lot to say. Also, after the Big Queer Announcement, I panicked and started tripping over my words. It didn't exactly help that I had stage fright to begin with. And I didn't practice my speech beforehand - I think I knew that if I thought too much about the fact that I'd be declaring my sexual orientation to an entire class of potentially homophobic teenagers, I'd run out of the room screaming or puke or something when I had to do it for real.
I'd been worse earlier, though. Two hours before the speech, I started twitching uncontrollably. It was like my old panic attacks, but bigger. Yes, I know that I made a coming-out post that literally the entire Internet-using world has access to. But really, that was the Internet. Let's face it, nothing feels as personal when you put it on the Internet. If it did, we wouldn't have flame wars or online erotica.
This is real life. And in real life, I feel like that scared fifteen-year-old again, just admitting to myself that most straight girls didn't notice other girls the way I did and terrified of telling anyone that I was different (jeez, I'm like the female Nico di Angelo). Only now, I'm not just admitting to myself that I'm bisexual. I'm admitting it to an entire school of people that could ostracize, harass, bully, or proselytize me.
But here's the thing: I'm not that scared fifteen-year-old anymore. I'm not going to hide from the truth behind food and books. This has happened, and I'm going to handle it. If I do get hurt? Well, I still have God, and God is the only one who needs to define me.
And just like Elsa, I don't care what they're going to say. The cold never bothered me anyway.
2 comments:
It is a sign of strength to come out to your whole class. I am proud you did it, and you can be proud as well!
Although I have to admit that it hurts to read about your struggles. I wish you were here so you could see how friendly people in Germany handle this subject, how few harassments (right word?) happen here and how few homosexuals get bullied. Sure, all this does happen, but much less than in the States, far as I can see. I remember when I came out - most people were like "Ah. Nice to hear. Let´s go get a coffee/beer/coke." Far as I can see, we handle homosexuality etc. with a lot more tolerance. I haven´t heard, for example, of a CSD-celebration that has been disturbed by anti-homosexuals.
Do you have CSD-celebrations in the States? And if so, have you ever been to one?
That's actually how it's been most of the time. Every risk seems a whole lot scarier until it's actually been taken. But I'm finally getting to the point where I can sometimes tell people without panicking.
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