So. I'm not going to name names here, and that is why we're going to call the two girls mentioned in this post 'Daisy' and 'Rissa.'
Until recently, Rissa had been my best friend. We'd known each other since before we were even born. When I was two and she was three, her family came to visit mine (then living out of state). And I, being the most awkward toddler ever, would barely talk to her. But she pried me out of my shell, and for the next fourteen years she was like the sister I never had.
Rissa has a younger sister named Daisy, about four years younger than her. Daisy, for much of my friendship with Rissa, was just my friend's annoying kid sister whom I had to put up with. But as she got older, Daisy became our friend too, and as close to me as her sister was.
The problem? They were homophobic and transphobic, and for obvious reasons I'm not cool with that. And their prejudice really hurt me, though every time I consider telling them the exact reasons why, I freeze up and panic.
Taking the advice of another girl who'd been similarly burned, I decided to simply cut off my friendship with them. And I tried. I don't hate Rissa and Daisy; I love them as sisters in Christ, but I really don't like them and the way they're acting right now. But I didn't remove them from my Facebook friends list, because that seemed rather petty. So when I posted a message on my page protesting the transphobia of reality star Michelle Duggars, they saw it and responded negatively.
I won't go into the whole argument, but eventually Daisy messaged me with all the Bible verses that fundamentalist Christians interpret as condemning homosexuality and transgenderism (they don't condemn either, actually; they condemn shrine prostitution, rape, hostility to strangers, and lack of hospitality but I'll go into that later with the help of some friends and family who have studied the Bible much more extensively than I and can explain much more efficiently.) and I told her to shut up unless she had something positive to say, and that her sister could do the same. At which point she replied with a series of 'I love yous.' But those are just words, and honestly I'm not convinced she means them.
I told her honestly that I love her too, but explained also explained my other feelings on our whole awkward, hurtful situation. Thus far, she hasn't responded.
The whole thing is just so frustrating. I want our old friendship back and I'm sick of this drama, but I'm not going to put up with their prejudice (especially when it's directed at several of my other friends, who have supported and loved me through this mess and have helped me pull myself back together again) and I'm not going to back down from my advocacy for the LGBTQIAA+ community. I also know that right now, being friends with either one will only get me hurt. As I wrote in Sunshine, it's my choice whether to let these destructive people into my life or not, and right now I choose not to.
But...fourteen years is a long time. I literally can't remember a time when Rissa and Daisy weren't a part of my life in some way. They really are like my sisters, and it hurts to cut off two people so close to me. Any thoughts?
Until recently, Rissa had been my best friend. We'd known each other since before we were even born. When I was two and she was three, her family came to visit mine (then living out of state). And I, being the most awkward toddler ever, would barely talk to her. But she pried me out of my shell, and for the next fourteen years she was like the sister I never had.
Rissa has a younger sister named Daisy, about four years younger than her. Daisy, for much of my friendship with Rissa, was just my friend's annoying kid sister whom I had to put up with. But as she got older, Daisy became our friend too, and as close to me as her sister was.
The problem? They were homophobic and transphobic, and for obvious reasons I'm not cool with that. And their prejudice really hurt me, though every time I consider telling them the exact reasons why, I freeze up and panic.
Taking the advice of another girl who'd been similarly burned, I decided to simply cut off my friendship with them. And I tried. I don't hate Rissa and Daisy; I love them as sisters in Christ, but I really don't like them and the way they're acting right now. But I didn't remove them from my Facebook friends list, because that seemed rather petty. So when I posted a message on my page protesting the transphobia of reality star Michelle Duggars, they saw it and responded negatively.
I won't go into the whole argument, but eventually Daisy messaged me with all the Bible verses that fundamentalist Christians interpret as condemning homosexuality and transgenderism (they don't condemn either, actually; they condemn shrine prostitution, rape, hostility to strangers, and lack of hospitality but I'll go into that later with the help of some friends and family who have studied the Bible much more extensively than I and can explain much more efficiently.) and I told her to shut up unless she had something positive to say, and that her sister could do the same. At which point she replied with a series of 'I love yous.' But those are just words, and honestly I'm not convinced she means them.
I told her honestly that I love her too, but explained also explained my other feelings on our whole awkward, hurtful situation. Thus far, she hasn't responded.
The whole thing is just so frustrating. I want our old friendship back and I'm sick of this drama, but I'm not going to put up with their prejudice (especially when it's directed at several of my other friends, who have supported and loved me through this mess and have helped me pull myself back together again) and I'm not going to back down from my advocacy for the LGBTQIAA+ community. I also know that right now, being friends with either one will only get me hurt. As I wrote in Sunshine, it's my choice whether to let these destructive people into my life or not, and right now I choose not to.
But...fourteen years is a long time. I literally can't remember a time when Rissa and Daisy weren't a part of my life in some way. They really are like my sisters, and it hurts to cut off two people so close to me. Any thoughts?
30 comments:
That sounds really hard and I am so sorry for you to be in such a situation.
Give them some time. They didn´t know for so long - and it IS a long time! - and now they are irritated and confused. That does NOT allow them to doubt your religiousness for your sexual believes, though.
But I am sure if you all pull yourselves together a bit, the situation will get better. You can´t be friends with a Nazi, but you can be friends with people who believe different things than you. They are no Nazis, they are homophobic. They can learn; and they will learn that you are still the person you were before you told them. Give them some time to overcome their prejudices. Maybe they will, even though "their God" or "their bible" seems to tell different than "your God" or "your bible" or whatever.
And correct me if I am wrong, but did not the christian god gave people the right to think freely, and doesn´t he want to see his children happy in the first place? Happy christians, of course, but you are a christian as well as them and as well as protestants and as well as everybody else who believes in the christian god, or am I mistaken?
I've tried to explain the Bible verses to them and even offered to contact a theologist friend of mine who could explain it even better, but they refuse to listen. I feel like they're afraid of anyone who's different.
Most people are afraid of everybody who is different.
Maybe explaining those verses to them is the wrong way; I´m not sure. Aren´t they friends with people who are not even christians, either?
The way they see it is love the person, hate the sin. The problem is, they think virtually EVERYTHING outside of their comfort zone is sin. It's kind of sad, really, because if you never try anything outside of your comfort zone, how will you ever experience more of this beautiful world? How will you live life to the fullest?
There´s things outside my comfort zone that I wish I hadn´t ever tried and wouldn´t ever try again... But well, such is life.
But are they friends with people who are not christians? Because it sounds like they cannot be...
Hm. Hard stuff here...
Have you ever tried to ignore the fact that they consider you a sinner and try to talk with them about topics that are not this controversial? Just for the beginning, until they realize that you still are a human being?
What If sin is outside your comfort zone? Where in the Bible does it have Pro-Gay verses (I am not very familiar with the Bible, but came across your blog and was just kind of curious). -Rick
Well, Aramaic, Greek, and Latin didn't really have an accurate word for 'homosexual' or the like. However, the Bible does talk in several places about unconditional love and not judging people. Not to mention, Jesus never says anything against being LGBTQIA.
What does the Bible mean when it says "homosexual?"
Rissa's mentioned a friend who was an atheist. Like I said, love the person hate the sin. She's just lucky that her atheist friend is a lot more patient than I am. Prejudice just makes my blood boil, and I feel that they both are being prejudiced. I'm surprised he hasn't told her off yet, really - he must have the patience of a saint.
And yes, I have tried that. We actually had a fragile peace going until the Michelle Duggars thing. They even listened when I talked about TV shows like Faking It or The Fosters. But then they posted transphobic comments on my Facebook page...after asking me to not post pro-LGBT comments on theirs (I obliged). Not only was that prejudiced, it was rude. So I tried to be patient until I finally snapped. And they kept making homophobic comments (I don't think they realize that sexual orientation and gender identity are two different things), which just made me angrier. So I told them, essentially, to eff off. Which they refused to do.
Thankfully, now, we have a fragile peace treaty of a sort. I promised not to say anything pro-LGBT directed at them, and they promised to not say anything homophobic. However, I have a feeling that in the event that one of us breaks this treaty, it'll pretty much be nuclear war. I also told them that I intended to break off my friendship with them for the reason that I felt it would only cause me pain. I still love them like sisters, and I forgive them because they don't know how hurtful they're being or why I find it so hurtful, but I feel that I can't trust them or make myself vulnerable to them.
Maybe you will get used to this sort of friendship; maybe the peace works and maybe your friendship can evolve again. I do hope so!
There is a band in Germany called Böhse Onkelz (NEVER mind the spelling), they are told to be right winged and Nazis. If they are, who can tell? Once in my favourite club - I was talking to the doorman - a girl came to us and told "There is a guy with an Onkelz-shirt down there" and we were like "So what?" - "Throw him out." - "Did he do something to you?" - "He wears an Onkelz-shirt." After some ten minutes of arguing, he nearly threw HER out. But he didn´t because he´s a nice and patient guy and because she didn´t do anything to him, either.
Well, this might not be the perfect example, but you don´t speak German so I can only hope that the message gets across - I would otherwise try to explain in German what I mean. If you relate this situation to you and your friends... Ignorance can be ignored so it gets less important.
To Anonymous: I haven't studied the Bible enough to give a perfect explanation on that; however I know people that have and I can ask them to help me out here.
They don't view themselves as ignorant.
Of course they don´t. But they are.
It seems that you and your friends both believe in the Bible, and you both think the other one is ignorant. But they seem to have proof from the Bible, so why do you assume that they are the ignorant ones?
1. There is no accurate word for 'homosexual' in Ancient Greek, Latin, or Aramaic.
2. Jesus never said anything against being LGBT. Yes, Paul did, but it's possible that Jesus disagreed.
3. Sections of the Bible such as Sodom and Gomorrah and Romans 1 actually condemn lack of hospitality, hatred of strangers, and rape. They have been widely misinterpreted; many theologists believe this.
4. Although I believe God is perfect, it is an indisputable fact that humans have largely corrupted religion and may have tampered with or mistranslated the Bible.
5. What is God but ultimate love? And how could this force of ultimate love condemn love?
6. Homosexuality is not a choice. This has been scientifically proven. Therefore, it can not be a sin.
Could you be hospitable/nice even if you disagree with them? If a gay person came to your friends house, do you think they would be rude? I'm assuming you guys both know the Bible pretty well. Doesn't Jesus want you guys to love others? Including each other? I hope you guys end up getting along. Best of luck in your relationship!
And how am I supposed to convince them of that?
We do love each other, and we both want this to end. They don't understand the reasons it's so important to me that they're at least neutral toward homosexuality, and I'm not sure I still trust them enough to tell them. (I make said reasons really, really, painfully obvious. I think they're in denial, no pun intended)
Basically, we're going to be civil to each other but no longer truly friends.
How do you expect them to understand if you don't tell them?
I know, I know. I tried to reach out to them but it just wasn't working. The most I can do at this point, I think, is to hope, love, and forgive.
Are you trying to tell them that you are gay? (Sorry, I don't mean to pry. I am just a curious person).
If I were gay, it wouldn't be wise of me to announce it on a well-known blog that many people I wouldn't necessarily be out to yet read...feel free to speculate though ;)
I'm Sorry. I just assumed you were implying that.
It's okay. I deliberately keep my sexuality ambiguous on here
You are not able to. It´s not possible. But as I said, if you ignore ignorance, it gets easier to endure.
Sadly, you're much more patient than I am, Betty. I hate it when people are ignorant, and it's rare that I can resist telling them off for it.
The way I look, I had to learn it the hard way with relatives condemning me for the way I dress. But it gets better with some time ^^
It does, but "some time" could mean years. And as much as I hate to admit it, I miss her. I miss them both. But I'm not going to stay in an unhealthy friendship or change who I am to please anyone either.
The three of you have to fight for this friendship to stay alive, not only you. (So much more easy with German words for 'you'...) It will be hard, of course, but if all of you really really try, it should work.
But yes, of course it will take a lot of time.
We have tried. I really want them to see the error of their ways, but prejudice isn't okay and I'm not going to pretend it is. I'm also not going to pretend I'm something I'm not to please anyone.
Honestly, I think we're all in the wrong here. Them for being prejudiced and oblivious, me for not talking to them about what's really going on and refusing to let go of my hurt. Yes, I'm trying to forgive them and making progress, but I can't trust them anymore. Being vulnerable to them will only get me hurt. They've tried to make amends, but I rejected that because I think this friendship is no longer healthy.
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