What Autistic Teens Want You to Know

Wow, the month flew by. I almost didn't do this post for Autism Acceptance Month (I like that name better). But it's finished just in time.

So here is what autistic teenagers want you to know:

1. I wish people would understand how my brain works a little better. I mean, I know this isn’t true for all autistic people, but for me, my brain works a little like a computer. Computers are good with codes. I’m good with languages, science, and math because those are like codes to me. I learn them in ways that make sense to me. If you ask me to explain algebra or Latin, I will do that in a way that makes sense to me. Computers are not good with emotion. I’m not a robot and I have feelings and can empathize, but I don’t know how to show emotion toward others in a way that makes sense to allistics and doesn’t involve touching/hugging. Computers get overloaded and glitch when you try to make them process too many things. When I’m overloaded, I rock back and forth, curl up in a ball, cry, can’t talk (other than swear words interestingly  ), can’t make eye contact, pull my hair, get nauseous, etc. And if I’m forced to talk or interact, I won’t be able to think clearly and will probably say or do something that I’ll later regret. If you get in my face and I feel threatened when I’m overloaded, I can even be physically violent (i.e. pushing, shoving, scratching) and will do whatever is necessary to get you away from me. And I wish that more people understood that I am human. My brain may work like a computer, but that doesn’t make me a robot.
2. No, i don’t appreciate being baby talked at and called 'cute' when i stutter or misunderstand something, would you like me doing that to you?
3. That it’s a lot less like the idea they have of us being “developmentally slow” allistics and more like we’re an entirely different neurotype. Cats are not “developmentally slow” dogs. They will never be dogs. They are cats and that is okay. We do not have to try to turn cats into dogs, you know? Just as a metaphor. Different computer operating systems is another good one.
4. That we don’t need to be cured. That being autistic isn’t the end of the world, something we need to be pitied for. That we’re not a massive burden on others that need to be eradicated, and maybe if we were just listened to and understood, people wouldn’t look at us as a burden anyway. If there wasn’t such a stigma around us saying we were bad or troublesome things would be easier for both us and the people who are convinced we’re bad.
5. There is more than one way to be intelligent. All of those ways are valid.
6. I wish allistics knew that I’m not ‘shy’ at all. I actually have difficulty speaking around lots of people – I’m not afraid of what they’ll think or me or anything like that.
7.  I wish allistics knew that sensory overload is not just 'getting overly annoyed.' It is literal hell.
8. I wish allistics knew that just because I’m not nonverbal or externally screaming when something goes a little bit off, that doesn’t mean I’m not autistic.
9. I'm aro ace and I wish they knew that being autistic doesn't invalidate my queerness. Not all autists are aromantic or asexual, and not all aro aces are autistic. Autistic people, including me, can and do form meaningful relationships. They might be platonic, they might be romantic, they might be sexual, they might not - but they are meaningful. And I'm not aromantic or asexual BECAUSE of my autism, so don't even ask - not to mention, it's super rude to ask someone's 'reasons' for their identity.
10. I wish they understood that my verbal communication abilities (or even written and non-verbal, but to a lesser extent) vary from day to day and even hour to hour. I’m tired of hearing 'but you were talking just fine yesterday' on days when i can barely communicate or not communicate at all.

And here's what I want you to know: Allistics, I don't consider your ways of communicating any more valid than mine. I don't consider your experiences any more valid - especially when it comes to autism; when it comes to autism your opinions and experiences are completely irrelevant. I will not change to accommodate you. I will demand respect and equality. I will not be cured.

And to neurotypicals specifically: You are not the center of the universe.

Yay :)

TW: descriptions of panic attack and hypoglycemia-related issues

So it was a good day today.

Last Saturday, my friend accidentally triggered a panic attack (without knowing about my autism) and handled the situation kind of craptastically - and so did I, really. The result was me shoving her because I was freaking out and she was right in my face and I couldn't think rationally, her crying, me crying, me rocking back and forth while curled into a ball, a mutual friend overhearing and worrying about both of us, two adults (that we've known for years and trust) coming to find us and intervening, me being nauseous, me crying uncontrollably in public because I hadn't had a chance to recover and couldn't control myself, me laying lethargically on my bed (we were at youth group retreat) for maybe an hour because I had no energy, and both of us being awkward and irritable and trying to avoid one another.

I'd never had a panic attack in front of any friends before - except for maybe Ella, but I'm not even friends with her anymore so she doesn't count. It was the first time any of them had really ever seen me display any obvious signs of being disabled, let alone any that none of us were able to handle.

But we talked today, if briefly. We were civil and it wasn't horrible. We're making progress.

I had first lunch, which means I ate right after my third class. This is always a good thing for me, because my hypoglycemia gets really bad around 10 AM on school days (Don't tell me to eat breakfast, like my mom has done repeatedly. I know about metabolism. I had an A in biology last year. And I already eat breakfast). That can make the second half of third hour excruciating, and usually by 11 o'clock I feel like I'm about to pass out. 11 o'clock is about fifteen minutes before I usually have a chance to eat...let's just say I'm surprised I've never been sent to the office for falling asleep in class.

But today was different. Today, I had lunch more than half an hour early. For me, having first lunch is always a cause for happiness.

And it became even more of a cause for happiness when I sat down near my fellow geeks - we all kind of band together - and realized that none of my close friends were talking about anything that interested me.

When you're autistic, that can make things really tense and awkward. Especially when you're autistic and one of the people there had recently seen you during a particularly bad panic attack. To try to distract myself, I decided to eavesdrop...and overheard one of the other geeks who was sitting a few yards away talking to their friend.

Practically the first thing I heard was the queer acronym. They included the A. My letter (well, one of them anyway). Cishet kids don't remember the A. Most cishet kids, if they even know it exists, think it stands for ally.

The A does not stand for ally. This is not up for debate. A is for asexual, aromantic, and agender. When someone pretends that A stands for ally, they are erasing asexual, aromantic, and agender people. Even pretending that A stands for ally in addition to asexual, aromantic, and agender is unacceptable because allies choose to be allies and are not oppressed for it, while queer people do not choose to be queer (except for those horrid human beings who choose to be queer for 'political' reasons) and are oppressed for that; claiming that A is for ally trivializes queer experiences. Supporting LGBTQIA+ rights is simply being a decent human being and should be expected. You don't get a cookie for not being awful.

Queer kids remember the A. I wanted to meet these queer kids.

The kid in question, Carla, presents androgynous and I'd assumed (correctly) that they were nonbinary. So I went over to them and their friend, Stephanie, who is also an enby and also uses they/their/them pronouns, and joined the conversation.

It turned out Carla and Stephanie were trying to start up our school's Gay-Straight Alliance (we call it Spectrum Club, but they're basically the same thing) again, which thrilled me to no end. I'd first heard about Spectrum Club last May, a few months after I came out to myself as bi and a few weeks after I'd started questioning if I was also gray-ace (which I was so totally right about), and had wanted desperately to join but figured it was too late in the school year. I'd been dreaming over the summer about signing up this year, only to find out it was canceled.

Now, though...now I have my chance. Yes, I have queer friends already. Yes, I have Skittlr and the rather awesome genderqueer-based group I belong to on Facebook. But even with all the queer positivity I've found since coming out to my dad at age five, I still live my life in this weird world where 'straight until proven otherwise' is somehow logical and accepted, where queer identity and queer humanity are up for debate, where cishets think I'm going through a phase or that my queerness somehow comes from the devil, where I don't always feel free to be myself because sometimes, being myself means that I risk being made to feel embarrassed for aspects of myself that don't fit into the kyriarchy's bigoted idea of normal and acceptable.

So queer safe havens are important. Queer-based clubs in high school are important.

I was delighted to join...and to discuss queer issues with Stephanie and Carla for the duration of lunch time and to celebrate Leelah's Law. I'm surprised the school didn't explode into the colors of a thousand different pride flags.

Then, during art class, I got started on the fantastic new project we're going to be working on with sheet metal. We have to pick out different designs to draw on the metal. We're then going to be turning it into either a key chain or a pendant. I'm making pride art, of course. I love pride art. It's going to be a pendant with the asexual pride flag with an image of a slice of cake on it (cake is a symbol of asexuality because of the joke that if a stripper popped out of a cake, an asexual would be upset that the cake was ruined). And it's going to be awesome.

It was also during this class that I finally acquired a black ring, which I made out of thin, flexible silver wire wrapped in black embroidery thread. I'm wearing it right now and it's hella cute.

The black ring, in case you didn't know, is a symbol of asexuality. There aren't a lot of out asexuals (gray-aces, like myself, are part of the asexual spectrum), partly because many people haven't heard of asexuality or think it's BS and partly because a lot of asexuals hesitate in coming out because of acephobia and widespread societal ignorance surrounding our sexualities. There aren't a lot of ways for asexuals to find one another, whether for romance, friendship, or just to marvel at this incredibly hypersexualized society we live in.

So someone on the online forums of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) decided we needed a way to fix that. Something simple and subtle, that we would get but wasn't widely known to allosexuals. Something affordable. Something that could easily be seen and carried, that wasn't overtly feminine or masculine, that could let us find each other without outing us in a dangerous situation. The solution was a simple black ring around the right middle finger (a black ring on the right hand is also a symbol in swinger culture, which can cause confusion between the two groups; swingers are advised to avoid putting their rings on the middle finger for this reason).

Please note that the black ring is also not a purity ring. Celibate and abstinent people, you already have rings by which to identify each other. They're called chastity rings. Celibacy=/=asexuality. Don't wear the ace ring if you're not on the ace spectrum.

I've wanted a black ring really badly ever since coming out to myself as ace a few weeks ago and decided to make one, which is how I acquire approximately 99.9% of my pride-related things. Christina, who is asexual and not out to her parents, also wants pride stuff and I promised I would get her some. So I made her a black ring too. I'm also making one for our friend Ana, who is gray-ace and also not out to her parents, and some more to give out at Spectrum Club meetings and to sell on Etsy.

I also discovered recently that a very sweet blogger, Betty, who is from Germany, is also bi, and has followed me since the beginning, is now engaged to her boyfriend. I'm happy for her; he makes her happy, he seems like a great guy, and they both deserve life with the people they love.

Also, two former members of my youth group, Stephanie and Mackenzie (a different Stephanie) are getting married this Saturday (and yes, I'm going to the wedding). They were in youth group together in high school and re-met through a mutual friend years later...at which point they started dating. They've been engaged for a few months now, their couple name is either Stephkenzie or MacStephanie (there's been some debate over which one sounds better), and were the ones to introduce the fortune-telling game Kings and Queens to this generation's youth group.

I'll never understand the appeal of romance, but I'm glad these people have found it.

So all in all, it's been a pretty nice day.

Frida Kahlo

I love Frida Kahlo, so I'm posting her art here...


{image description: Frida is standing against a green wall with a light pink flower pattern. She is wearing a hot pink shawl, black flowered dress, purple dangling earrings, and a pink headband of roses in her hair, which is done in an updo. Her makeup is very heavy, giving her extremely pale skin and bright pink cheeks.}


{image description: Frida featured from the shoulders up, wearing a white shirt, with a necklace of thorns and bird pendant around her neck, a small money and black cat looking over her shoulder, and leaves in the background}



{image description: double self-portrait. On the left is Frida wearing a long white dress dotted with blood or flowers, it's hard to tell. She's holding hands with the Frida on the right, who is wearing a blue and gold shirt and long green and white skirt. Both women's hearts have been torn from their chests}

Latin@ Poetry

In addition to being Autism Awareness Month, April is also Hispanic Heritage Month and Poetry Month. Therefore...

Ten Responses to the Phrase 'Man Up' - Guante

Accents - Denise Frohman

Being Hispanic - Greg Garcia

For Jesse Hernandez - Denise Frohman

Brown Girl - Yesika Salgado

Shrapnel - Amaris Diaz

Frats - Jozer Guerrero

Quotes by Famous Autists: Happy Autism Awareness Month

"A beautiful thing never gives so much pain as does failing to hear and see it." - Michelangelo

“If my story means anything, it is that people are very often too quick to judge a person by the way they look or by their quirks of behavior. I may not have quite the same sense of humour as other people, but at least I do have a sense of humour, and I've needed it! As a society, we seem to have very tight restrictions on what is considered "normal.” - Susan Boyle

"Presumption should never make us neglect that which appears easy to us, nor despair make us lose courage at the sight of difficulties." - Benjamin Banneker

"If you see what it’s like
To not know at thirty
What they knew at three

But to know things
And to see things
That nobody else can see

Then maybe, just maybe
I can see you
And you can see me." - Mel Brooks

"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein

"We must join with the tens of millions all over the world who see in peace our most sacred responsibility." - Paul Robeson

"My message to you all is of hope, courage and confidence. Let us mobilize all our resources in a systematic and organized way and tackle the grave issues that confront us with grim determination and discipline worthy of a great nation." - Muhammed Ali Jinnah

Queer, Self-Love, and Feminist Playlist

Love is Not a Sin by the Wild Ponies

Respect by Aretha Franklin

Who Says by Selena Gomez & The Scene

Same Love by Macklemore

Fight Like a Girl by Emilie Autumn (note that many of Emilie's songs, including this one, were based off her real-life experiences in a mental hospital. Also, as a neurodivergent woman, she doesn't have the systemic power to benefit from ableism. And many of her fans, myself included, are disabled. We aren't offended by her lyrics. So don't tell me the portrayal of mental hospitals in this video is ableist. And don't dare hate on Emilie for her clothing choices or having had an abortion either because misogyny really pisses me off.)

Gothic Lolita by Emilia Autumn (trigger warning for rape, victim blaming, and child molestation)

Thank God I'm Pretty by Emilie Autumn (trigger warning for sexual harassment, misogyny, and brief mention of suicide.)

Girl by Destiny's Child

The Gay Song (trigger warning for semi-reclaimed slurs)

Chica de Calendario by Kumbia Queers

Rebel Girl by Bikini Kil

Skyscraper by Demi Lovato

Uprising of Love by Melissa Etheridge

This other playlist of non-romantic love songs that someone made for Aromantic Awareness Week

Shake It Off by Taylor Swift

Fucking Perfect by P!nk
And that's it. I think it's a pretty good list, but I wish I'd found more disabled singers, as well as some trans women singers and some hijabi singers.


Also, Lady Gaga has now been removed from the list for transphobic and intersexphobic comments.

Survey Results (Thus Far)

Responses to the Allosexism and Amatonormativity Survey:

Demographics:

• 44.4% of respondents are asexual
• 22.2% of respondents are gray-asexual
• 5.6% of respondents are demisexual
• 11.1% of respondents are bisexual
• 11.1% of respondents are heterosexual
• 5.6% of respondents are an unlisted orientation

• 55.6% of respondents are aromantic
• 27.8% of respondents are gray-aromantic
• 5.6% of respondents are demiromantic
• 5.6% of respondents are homoromantic
• 5.6% are an unlisted romantic orientation

• 77.8% of respondents had been assigned female at birth
• 28.6% of female-assigned respondents are women and girls
• 14.3% of female-assigned respondents are agender
• 35.7% of female-assigned respondents are genderfluid
• 14.3% of female-assigned respondents are part of an unlisted gender(s)
• 22.2% of respondents had been assigned male at birth
• 50% of male-assigned respondents are women and girls
• 25% of male-assigned respondents are agender
• 25% of male-assigned respondents are men and boys

• 22.2% of respondents are Christian
• 27.8% of respondents are atheists
• 5.6% of respondents are agnostic
• 28.6% of respondents belong to an unlisted religion
• 5.6% of respondents are witches
• 5.6% of respondents are Sikhs
• 13.3% of respondents declined to reply to this question

• 88.9% of respondents are white
• 5.6% of respondents are Polynesian
• 5.6% of respondents are Asian

• 20% of respondents reported coming from an abusive, toxic, or destructive family environment

• 6.7% of respondents reported having been sexually abused or raped. The sexual orientation(s) of said respondents are unknown.

• 13.3% of respondents are upper-middle class
• 53.3% of respondents are middle class
• 13.3% of respondents are lower-middle class
• 20% of respondents are poor

• 6.7% of respondents are out to their families
• 40% of respondents are out to their friends
• 6.7% of respondents reject the idea of the closet
• 13.3% of respondents chose an unlisted option
• 33.3% of respondents declined to answer

• 33.3% of respondents are teenagers
• 33.3% of respondents are in their twenties
• 6.7% of respondents are in their thirties
• 36.7% of respondents declined to answer

Allosexism and Amatonormativity

• 58.3% of respondents on the aromantic spectrum had been told that their romantic orientations don't exist
• 72.3% of respondents  had been told their sexual orientations don't exist
• 29.9% of respondents had been called an allosexist slur

• 66.7% of respondents had been overlooked, erased, or silenced in the queer community

• 33.3% of respondents had been told that they were cold or unloving for being on the asexual spectrum
• 6.7% of respondents had experienced corrective rape

Opinions

• 66.7% of respondents believe acephobia is real
• 66.7% of respondents believe arophobia is real
• 66.7% of respondents believe allosexual/alloromantic privilege is real
• 60% of respondents believe the A in the LGBTQIA+ alphabet should not stand for 'ally'

Note that these statistics only indicate people who had taken the survey after I revised the form.

The Truth About Conversion Therapy

Pray the Gay Away - EXPOSED

This is Laci Green's video on conversion therapy. Please just watch.

On Realizing I'm Asexual

Okay, yes, I already came out as bisexual. And I know I'm bisexual, that much is obvious.

Which makes the confirmation that I'm also gray-a extra confusing. I mean, I know about the gray-ace spectrum. I started wondering if I was asexual last year and opened up about it on a few queer youth forums about the fact that while I experience sexual attraction, I rarely ever have the desire to actually have sex. I have turn-ons, fantasies, other things that I won't go into here because I have family reading this blog...ahem.

There's some dispute in the ace community over whether you can still be asexual if you do sexual things, which is why I pretty much put the possibility out of my mind a few months back. The whole awkward questioning-my-sexuality thing only started up again when I joined a group for arospec (aromantic spectrum) people on Skittlr and realized how much I related to what the other gray-asexuals in the group said about their sexual orientation.

Like them, I...

• don't like being touched in ways that I don't initiate and control (i.e. hugs with anyone other than close friends and family members, shaking hands)
• have a libido, but about half the time, it's not actually directed at anyone
• am usually apathetic and disinterested toward actually having sex, despite experiencing sexual attraction and doing sexual things
• have turn-ons and fantasies, but am more attracted by these things than by actual people
• only want to actually have sex in very specific situations
• am confused by how much allosexuals seem to want sex
• have a distaste for body fluid (especially other people's. I mean, ew.)
• sometimes have trouble differentiating between sexual and aesthetic attraction

So, yes, I'm asexual.

I'm also bi. The labels I use for my sexuality are pretty varied: queer, gay, lesbian, bi, pan, ace, gray-a, gray-bisexual, gray-pansexual. I'm all of them.

The labels might change...or they might not, but the only one who gets to define who I am is me. There's no rule that says I can't change my mind, and having spent a lot of time interacting with the queer community, I know how complex our sexualities can be and how the terms we use to identify ourselves can change with our level of self-understanding. Even I get confused by my sexuality sometimes. But then I also get this sense of pride and self-love (it's a queer thing; you'd have to be one of us to get it) and I just laugh at how ridiculously complicated and awesome sexuality can be. And despite all the homophobic, sapphobic, acephobic, arophobic, and transphobic crap I've experienced in this awkward and fantastic journey that happened ever since I realized that liking all genders but not wanting sex meant I probably wasn't straight - no, ever since I tried to come out to my dad as transgender at five years old - I feel like it's been worth it and that being queer is amazing. And it is. Despite everything, it is.

If anyone wants to learn more about asexuality, check out these resources from the intersectional magazine Everyday Feminism:

Debunking 5 Common Myths About Asexuality

How Does Asexual Dating Work?

How Asexuality Is More Complicated Than You Think

(For Latin@ asexuals) How Latina 'Spicy and Sexy' Stereotypes Hurt Asexual Latinas

Let Them Eat Cake: On Being Demisexual

Sh*t People Say to Asexuals

...and also these:

The Person Who Sent You This Is Asexual

(A)Sexual Story (note that some things here don't apply to me, as the man featured in the video is on a different place on the asexual spectrum than I, and also because he's intended to be older than seventeen...I'd guess he's around nineteen or twenty)

Asexual: Yes, We Do Masturbate

What It's Like to Be Asexual

No Sex?! - Asexuality

You can also go to Tumblr and ask the asexual bloggers some questions. I recommend my friend Christina, who is also aro ace. There are a lot of stereotypes about queer youth on Tumblr, but actually, we're pretty helpful and friendly, and willing to answer questions as long as you're polite. The terms we use for our sexual and romantic orientations and gender identities might confuse you, but honestly, just ask. I would so rather people just asked me questions about my queerness than came up with all these really weird stereotypes for themselves.

And no, these queer identities aren't just "made up." I mean, I'm basically a walking, talking Tumblr queer stereotype - gray-biromantic, gray-bisexual, and genderqueer - and yet, I exist. I'm real. These other bloggers are, too.

Some Things Christian Conservatives Don't Know About Being Queer

 Because, contrary to what you seem to think, you do not know more about queerness than actual queer people.

1. Sexual and romantic orientation don't always match up.

Sexual orientation is, simply put, who you are sexually attracted to and interested in. If you are a woman who is sexually attracted only to men, or primarily to men and occasionally to nonbinary people, you are heterosexual. If you are a man who is sexually attracted only to men, or primarily to men and occasionally to nonbinary people (see number two), you are homosexual. If you are attracted to your own gender - or lack thereof - as well as at least one other gender, you are bisexual. If you are attracted to multiple genders but not necessarily your own, you are polysexual. If you are attracted to an infinite number of genders or gender doesn't matter to you in sexual attraction, you are pansexual. If you experience little to no sexual attraction or have little to no desire to be in a sexual relationship, you are asexual.

Romantic orientation is...basically sexual attraction, but instead of or in addition to being sexual, the attraction is romantic. A heteroromantic woman is romantically attracted only/primarily to men, a heteroromantic man is a man who is romantically attracted only/primarily to women, a homoromantic woman is romantically attracted only/primarily to women, a homoromantic man is romantically attracted only/primarily to men, a biromantic person is romantically attracted to their own gender and others, and so on and so forth.

It is therefore possible to, for example, be both aroflux lesbian and gray-bisexual, like me; or a lesbian and autochorissexual, like Freyja. It's also possible to be bisexual and heteroromantic or homoromantic, homosexual and heteroromantic or biromantic, asexual and panromantic, pansexual and aromantic, and so on and so forth.

And it's also possible to be heterosexual and homoromantic, heterosexual and biromantic, heterosexual and panromantic, and so on and so forth. In other words, it is in fact possible for a queer couple to have romance but not sex. Or sex but not romance. Or both romance and sex. Or, hey, maybe even neither sex nor romance (queer relationships are incredibly diverse). So next time you assume being queer is just about lust and selfishness (I have actually heard this before. Poor brainwashed Christian), you might want to consider that maybe, just maybe, they might actually be not sexually attracted to their same gender at all. And if they are? It's none of your fucking business. Pun intended.

2. Sexuality can be fluid and ridiculously complicated.

3. America is not a Christian nation. We do not have to give a damn what the Bible says.

4. Asexuality is not just about plants.

5. Platonic love is just as strong as romantic love, just as valid, and just as important. We live in a culture where romantic relationships (especially hetero ones) are promoted above platonic relationships as superior, the default, and more desirable. This hurts aromantic people, or aros, who are often called broken or told that they just need to find that magical 'special someone'...who will of course be the opposite of their perceived gender.

You know who that 'special someone' is for me? My friends and family. And I can't understand why anyone would consider my platonic love for the people in my life to be inferior to romantic love, something that baffles me and frankly seems like some sort of strange disease, when I would die for the people I love.

Yes, there is a girl I'm romantically interested in right now...but my feelings for her fluctuate between romantic-and-wanting-to-do-romantically-coded-things and platonic-but-still-wanting-to-do-romantically-coded-things. And neither my romantic feelings nor my platonic feelings for her are inferior. No one is required to be queer in a way that makes YOU comfortable.

So take your amatonormativity and heteronormativity and stuff it up your collective ass. Aros aren't interested.

6. There are femme lesbian and bi women and masculine gay and bi men.

7. Femininity does not necessarily connote womanhood. Masculinity does not necessarily connote manhood. There are feminine, androgynous, and masculine nonbinary people.

Only decades ago, pink was marketed as a masculine color while blue was feminine.

Only about two hundred years ago, lace was androgynous.

Before the 1950s and '60s, it was the norm in literature for straight, cisgender (non-trans) men to be emotionally open and to have close, intimate, platonic, nonsexual friendships with each other. Just like it's the norm in modern literature for cishet women today.

There are still countries around the world where cishet men wear flowers and dresses, and no one thinks of them as not 'real men.'

Therefore, contemporary Western gender roles are completely arbitrary. There is no such thing as 'women's clothing' or 'men's clothing.' There is only clothing. Clothing's only gender is that of the person wearing it.

8.There are trans lesbians (women who were assigned male at birth and who are attracted, sexually, romantically, or both, to women and feminine folks) and trans gay men (men who were assigned female at birth and who are attracted to men and masculine folks).

9. Polyamory is, in fact, a traditional form of relationship. Even by Biblical standards. Seriously. Look in that thing. Your singular 'one cishet man/one cishet woman' definition of a loving relationship or marriage is ridiculous and hypocritical.

10. "I'm worried about you" is not a compliment. Concern trolling is not a compliment. Trying to 'save' us is not a compliment. Not respecting our preferred pronouns and names, in the case of trans and genderqueer people, is not a compliment.

What you're doing when you tell your queer loved one - and it's almost certain that you have one - that you "worry" for their soul is saying that the way they are isn't good enough, isn't satisfactory, is unsettling...for you. What you're doing when you email Bible verses to their Gmail or spam their Facebook account is telling them not only that you honestly believe these things will happen to them if they don't conform to your expectations, but that you think they deserve it. What you're doing is ensuring that they will almost pass out from a panic attack the first time they tentatively come out, even to someone they trust and love; that they will sometimes have dark moments in which they hate themselves and irrationally wonder if you were right the whole time; ensuring that they will self-harm; that they, like Leelah Alcorn, might walk out into the street and allow themselves to be run over because whatever happens after death has got to be better than living in a conversion therapy-, abuse- and harassment-induced hell on Earth. What you're saying is that they are disgusting, demeaning, less than human.

When you teach someone to hate themselves, it's going to have some pretty nasty effects.

Just ask Leelah.

11. 'Loving homosexuals but hating homosexuality' is still homophobia.

It doesn't matter that you just want to help.

It doesn't matter that you just want to save them.

It doesn't matter what your intent was.

What matters is what actually happens.

Now shut up, walk away, and try to empathize. Before you have their blood on your hands.

12. We know ourselves and our lived experiences better than you do. Trust what we say about our identities, because we sure as hell know more than your straight, cisgender parents and straight, cisgender pastor and everything you have ever read or heard that says we are sinful or disgusting.

13. Teresa Siagatonu, Denise Frohman, Wonder Dave, Ollie Renee Schminkey, Sierra DeMulder, Wyatt Kat Fleckenstein, and Chad Michael have something to say to you.

14. So does Macklemore. (There's a line in here that's a bit amatonormative, but he has a point.)

15. And lastly, there is, in fact, a queer agenda: equality.