PSA

Something has been going on with the 'design' feature at this URL that Mod Frey and I haven't been able to fix. We can write posts, write and modify comments, and see how many page views each post has gotten, but we can't edit the blog description (which labels us both as lesbians, an identity that neither of us uses any longer) or check the stats to see how many views we've gotten each day or how many views have been coming in from various countries.

That's why I made a new URL. It's still on Blogger, and it's still the same blog with the same name. It's just going to be at a new location with a new URL. I designed it myself, and decorated with a black and purple border, gray header background, and white main background - all the colors of the asexual pride flag. We're going to have the 'About the Amoebas' page, and there will be a link to the masterlist of coming out resources, as well as a link to this URL for anyone who wants to see the posts written here, play Freerice, or check out that social justice movement I started by accident on Skittlr (speaking of, send us a link with any fics or fanart you've made for #gaybiblefanfictionslikeyas or #fuckyeahfeministmythologyfanfiction. Post them on this site, or put links and pictures on Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, deviantart, Fanfiction.net, Archive Of Our Own, and Skittlr under the hashtags. I don't use Twitter, deviantart, or Instagram, though, just so you know).

Anyway, here's the new URL. We hope you enjoy it.

Explaining Terminology, Part Two

TW: discussion of sex and romance

In my post explaining the difference between sex, gender, assigned sex, and gender expression, I also promised that I would talk about sexuality. Today I'm going to fulfill that promise.

In this post, we'll be covering libido, sexual attraction, romantic attraction, how it's possible to date and/or have sex (and enjoy those things) as an asexual or aromantic, and different sexual and romantic identities.

Libido and sexual attraction both have to do with hormones. The difference is that libido is simply one's body desiring sexual stimulation, whether through masturbating or partnered sex. Libido can be triggered by erotica, visual porn, fetishes, kinks...or actual people. When actual people trigger one's libido, inciting a desire to have partnered or group sex with said actual people, sexual attraction occurs.

In short, libido is your body going "Now!" whereas sexual attraction is your body going "This person!"

This doesn't mean that asexuals can't have and enjoy sex, however (though no one, asexual or otherwise, should ever be pressured into having sex). Asexuals have body parts that can be sexually stimulated, and many of us have libidos and enjoy masturbating...which doesn't give you permission to ask if we do, of course. That's none of your business.

Asexuals can love sex. Asexuals can get turned on, though not all of us do. Asexuals can be promiscuous. There are even asexual kinksters, and an entire sub-community of asexual fetishists (they're called AceFets). Some of these people are gray-ace, others aren't. They are often referred to as "sex positive", but a better term that's begun to crop up in the ace community is "sex favorable".

 I, personally, prefer this term - I don't consider myself sex favorable, but I am involved in the sex positive feminist movement. I don't have to want sex for myself in order to respect other people's bodily autonomy and join in the fight for their sexual liberation.

Moving on to romance.

I don't really understand romance as well as most people, for obvious reasons. But I've seen friends interact with their romantic partners, and I've asked questions.

When you get a crush, it's...you get giddy, and think about them all the time, and just the thought of them makes you smile or laugh. You want to be around them all the time, you might want to kiss them or cuddle them and go on dates with them. There's apparently also dizziness and butterflies in your stomach, and you occasionally blurt out ridiculous things. Weird, right?

A squish, or platonic crush, to me, is just...you also feel giddy...but it's more like pure happiness and warmth about being in the company of a friend. They make you feel happy and good about yourself, and you want to do the same for them. You just want to be emotionally intimate with them and get closer to them, in a non-romantic way (called a QP relationship). But that's just my experience with my own squishes, and feel free to talk about yours in the comments below.

An aro (or someone on the aromantic spectrum) who doesn't experience squishes is called aplatonic, or "apl" (pronounced like apple). A lot of people argue that aplatonic people are actually just straight cis people who want to invade queer spaces. This isn't true - aplatonic identity is exclusive to the aromantic community (though not all aros are aplatonic), which is already queer by virtue of not being heteroromantic. One can not be aplatonic if they are not also aro. Therefore, all apl people are queer (if they wish to label themselves as such).

Aros can date, though not all of us do. For example, truly romantic dating makes me uncomfortable, though I do get occasional crushes. For aros who do date, though, dating is about their partner's romantic attraction to them, their platonic attraction to their partner, and the sexual attraction between them both.

Sexual and romantic orientation don't always match up.

 The most accurate term for me, strictly speaking, would probably be gray-biromantic and gray-pansexual...I don't particularly care what gender the people I find physically attractive are, but I have never, as far as I know, gotten a crush on a boy (only on girls and nonbinary people, and even those crushes don't exactly happen frequently). I assume that I could get a crush on a boy, but I don't really know and therefore can't truly say that gender doesn't matter to me in romance, the way it doesn't in my sexuality. I often identify as either gray-a (a term I use for both my sexual and romantic orientation) or bi, depending on the situation, but gray-pansexual and gray-biromantic is more accurate in some ways.

And there's a name for people like me, whose sexual and romantic orientations don't match up: varioriented.

It's possible to be homoromantic and asexual. It's possible to be heteroromantic and bisexual. It's possible to be aromantic and heterosexual, panromantic and bisexual, biromantic and homosexual, polyromantic and demisexual, aromantic and gray-asexual, akoiromantic and pansexual, etc. All of those are varioriented identities.

It's also possible to be aromantic and asexual, homoromantic and homosexual, biromantic and bisexual, panromantic and pansexual, heteroromantic and heterosexual, demiromantic and demisexual, etc. These are all perioriented identities.

So in a world where identity can be so diverse, how do we explain the difference between sexual and romantic attraction?

The best way I've found to explain that is that romantic attraction is whom you would be willing to date without sex. Sexual attraction is whom you want to bang. Are we clear on this? Good.

If your identity is heteroromantic and heterosexual, if you are allosexual and alloromantic (meaning you're not on the ace/aro spectrum), and especially if you are cisgender, you benefit from what's called straight privilege. That means, basically, that because of your straightness, you are seen as a more important, more natural and special, and more morally sound person than if you had not been straight. You are able to get married in every country, you will never face violence or abuse for your sexuality, your autonomy and right to seek sexual and romantic fulfillment on your own terms are never questioned, you will never face housing or employment discrimination for being straight, and the people who matter most to you have probably been correctly assuming your sexuality for your entire life.

Straight people, you have a ton of unearned benefits just because you experience attraction in the ways that strangers have arbitrarily decided you should, and you benefit from that at the expense of LGBQA people. That doesn't make you a bad person, erase the ways in which you are oppressed, or mean your life is perfect, but recognizing your privilege and taking steps to dismantle it is something that you probably need to work on - especially if you are also cis.

Here are some ways in which straight people are privileged (yes, I got lazy while looking for privilege lists, dammit).

Okay, let's move on to identity prefixes for sexual and romantic orientations.

Homo- Attraction to one's own gender, and only (or predominantly, in the case of homoflexible people) their same gender. Commonly called gay or lesbian. A woman who is exclusively attracted to people she reads as women is a lesbian. A man who is exclusively attracted to people he reads as men is gay.

Bi- Attraction to at least two genders; attraction to genders similar and different from one's own.

Pan- Attraction to all genders, or attraction regardless of gender.

Poly- Attraction to at least three genders.

Demi- Attraction only after an intense emotional bond, whether platonic or romantic, has occurred

A- lack of attraction.

Hetero- Attraction to the "opposite gender" only or predominantly (in the case of heteroflexible people). A heterosexual man is only attracted to people he reads as women, and a heterosexual woman is only attracted to people she reads as men.

Woma/gyne- Attraction to women.

Ma/andro- Attraction to men.

Gray- Attraction that is in the "gray area" between  allosexual and asexual, or alloromantic and aromantic; attraction that occurs very rarely.

Akoi/Lith- Attraction, but without any intrinsic and instinctive desire to form a relationship; attraction that fades once it is reciprocated

Femme- Attraction based on feminine gender expression. Not the same as attraction to women, because not all women are feminine and not every feminine person is a woman.

Masc- Attraction based on masculine gender expression. Not the same as attraction to men, because not all men are masculine and not everyone who is masculine is a man.

Allo- Attraction that is not on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums

Apothi- Repulsion (I.e. sex repulsion, romance repulsion)

Mono - Attraction to only one gender.

Fray- Attraction that fades once an intimate emotional bond is formed (also called 'reverse demi')

Queer- Not a prefix, but an umbrella term for all LGBTQIA identities; a slur that some LGBTQIA people have chosen to reclaim

Please Get off the Counter -Mod Frey

(caps lock warning)=(CL)

If you are at an establishment in which the cashier is also the bagger of your purchases than please follow this short list of courtesy's 

-DON'T

--lean over the counter to look at the screen, it is an invasion of the cashiers personal space it is also against store policy pretty much everywhere.

--let your children run behind the register, the cashier may be too nervous to tell you to collect your child but trust me the cashier does not want (CL)ANYONE BUT THEMSELF(CL) behind the register at any time.

--put your child on the counter, While a few cashiers do understand that your child is not in fact a big dirty mess maker some still wont allow the little one up there, at all, just dont do it their not supposed to be there the counter is for merchandise only

-- try to bag your own items or take your bags from the cashiers side of the register, if there is a counter between you and the bag than don't touch the bag.

--tell the cashier about your day, their busy and more often than not just don't care

DO

--place your items on the counter in order from heaviest to lightest so that the cashier may bag them in a manner most convenient to the both of you

--wait for the cashier before sliding credit/debit/gift cards

--wait for the cashier to hand you your items (CL)AND(CL) reciept before leaving, especially if you've paid with a card often times if the reciept hasn't printed than your payment has not gone through correctly and if you leave without paying than the cashier (CL)WILL(CL) get in trouble and possibly be fired.

Explaining Terminology

Okay, the title's boring. You know it's boring. I know it's boring. We all know the title is just really boring. But the title is less important than the actual content of this post.

Now, to me, the difference between AGAB, sex, gender, gender expression, sexual orientation, and romantic orientation is obvious (especially because I'm queer myself, and started picking it all up after I began getting involved in queer communities and feminism). But not until after a conversation with my cousin Abby a few weeks ago did it really hit me that even many queers are struggling to understand it.

So I'm going to explain.

AGAB stands for assigned gender at birth. When you were born, did the doctor or midwife or nurse look at you and say 'it's a girl'? Than you were assigned female at birth, or AFAB. If the doctor said 'it's a boy'? Than you were AMAB.

But your AGAB doesn't necessarily match your sex or your gender.

It doesn't always match your sex because intersex people exist. You know that I in LGBTQIA? That's what the I is for.

Much of our culture gets really, really uncomfortable when people don't fit into heteronormative boxes and has a bizarre, sickening fixation with genitalia - those things are the root of a lot of queerphobia, actually. So when a baby is born with ambiguous genitals, doctors and parents alike will flip a shit. 

I'm not intersex myself (probably) and will of course defer to intersex people on their own experiences, but here's what I've heard: when your biological sex isn't male or female, you are often told that your body is something shameful, freakish, and ugly. Other people's squeamish discomfort and petty wants are considered more important than your needs and autonomy. As a baby or small child, you might even be subjected to a surgery, one that you can't consent to and might grow up to wish had never happened, that mutilates your genitals so they look more 'normal' - sometimes at the cost of your sexual health.

And because dyadic people feel really uncomfortable when you don't fit into their silly boxes, you aren't assigned 'intersex' at birth - if it even is apparent at birth that you were intersex. You're assigned male or female. That's your AGAB.

Now that we've discussed sex and AGAB, let's talk gender.

Your gender is totally independent of both your sex and your AGAB. Your gender is a lot less physical and a lot more mental - though it CAN be based partly on physical factors. That's where sex dysphoria - or the lack thereof - comes from (as well as the way trans people are taught to see our bodies as gendered).

Your gender can be male, female, both, neither, neutral, in-between, nonexistant, or so complicated that you can't even figure it out! You can be a single person with multiple genders. Like mine, your gender can be fluid - you can be male on some days, female on others, in-between on others, and neither on the rest.

If you are AFAB and your gender is female and EXCLUSIVELY female, you are a cisgender, or cis, woman or girl. If you are AMAB and your gender is male and EXCLUSIVELY male, you are a cis man or boy. If those things don't describe you, you are transgender, or trans.

Cis women, you KNOW you're women. That knowledge wouldn't change for you, even if you spontaneously grew a penis. Inside, no matter what, you'd still be a woman. It's that way for trans women, too. The only difference is, they didn't spontaneously grow a penis. They've just always had one. Some of them want it gone. Some don't. Some don't really care. No matter what, they're still women.

 But unlike them, you have the privilege of always being seen as and treated as the gender you know you are. People just take your word for it when you say you're a woman. Trans women don't have that privilege.

And cis men, take what I just said about trans women and replace 'women' with 'men' and 'penis' with 'vagina' or 'boobs'. Unlike trans men, you have the privilege of always being seen and treated as a man, the gender you know you are. People just take your word for it when you say you're a man.

That's called cis privilege. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or that we hate you. But it's not fair that you have this privilege over trans people. You were born into a culture that oppresses trans people, even though that oppression can backfire on you, and were taught to go along with it. So we're - and by we I mean feminists and trans rights activists -  trying to make that stop. Makes sense?

Now, onto gender expression.

Think about the things your culture associates with men or women. I live in the United States, so my culture associates these things with women, girls, and femininity...

• Dresses
• Dolls
• Pink
• Lace
• Silk
• Skirts
• Flowers
• Being nurturing and gentle
• Being emotional
• High heels
• Pastel colors
• Satin
• Hair bows
• Dancing
• Long hair
• Makeup
• Butterflies
• Jewelry
• Being artistic
• Unicorns
• Being demure and coy
• Princesses

And here are the things my culture associates with men, boys, and masculinity...

• Sports, especially contact sports like football and hockey
• Superheroes
• Hunting
• Fishing
• Being stoic
• Short hair
• Body hair, especially on legs and armpits
• Dark colors (think about how "men's products" are usually sold in black or dark blue packages)
• Being rugged
• Facial hair
• Large animals like bears or tigers
• Dinosaurs
• Suits
• Ties and bowties
• The outdoors
• Metal
• Rock music
• T-shirts and jeans
• Blue
• Being protective
• Being aggressive
• Dragons
• Geek culture (even though women, young women and teenage girls especially, basically INVENTED geekiness...)
• Being bold and outspoken
• Knights

Now, do the things on the 'woman' list describe all women? Do the things on the 'man' list describe all men? No! These are just the things that contemporary American culture arbitrarily deems 'womanly' or 'manly', even though women can be masculine and men can be feminine and nonbinary people can have any combination of traits. And it's ridiculous and sexist and cissexist. It's not good for anyone.

 Why can't we just like what we like?

But I can rant about heteronormative gender roles another time. The point of this is to say that, in my culture, if the 'femininity' list describes you most closely, your gender expression is probably feminine. If the 'masculinity' list describes you most closely, your gender expression is probably masculine. If, like me, you fall somewhere in-between the two, your gender expression is probably fluid, neutral, or androgynous.

And if you are a man who is androgynous or feminine, or a woman who is androgynous or masculine, you might choose not to label yourself at all. But if you want to, here are some things you could call yourself: femme, butch, gender-nonconforming, gender variant, boi, gender creative, tomboy, ladyboy, sissy, or AG. Or you could make up a label on your own! (But be warned: because gender nonconformity is so sexualized, some of these terms have very sexual connotations. Also, some of them, such as femme and butch, are exclusive to the LGBTQIA community. Be careful about which one, if any, you pick.)

This post is getting really long. Also my blood sugar is low and I'm really hungry. So I'm going to end this post and explain sexual and romantic orientation next time around. I hope this cleared up some lingering questions some of you had.

I Don't Even Know What To Call This...

Hi everyone! As you may have noticed, neither of us has been on here for awhile. We both had some self-care stuff to do, plus we were working on our Tumblr blogs (links on the About the Amoebas page), generally enjoying our summers, and in my case getting ready for the terror of senior year (on the plus side, though, I might be taking this awesome science class called pathology. I get to study diseases! Also, my social studies class is, apparently, pretty much Feminism 101. AND in just two months, I get to call myself an adult! So all that should be pretty fantastic :) ). Anyway, I'm back...for a short while, at least. I'll probably only be posting once or twice a month from now on.

But I wanted to make this post while I still had time.

Are you a teenager thinking of practicing witchcraft or paganism? Not sure your parents will accept you? How about a low-income practitioner, looking for cost-effective ways to explore the energy of the universe (because let's face it, manufactured spellbooks and store-brought sage bundles can be ludicrously expensive.)? A closeted technopagan, looking for simple ideas on how to bring yourself closer to nature in our very modern world without outing yourself? Here's my advice.

1. Find a public hiking trail within biking distance of your house. This should be pretty easy even if you live in an urban area - there should be something around a local park, at least. The one nearest my house is so pretty that it looks like some kind of fairy forest. You might be surprised at what kind of amazing things are hidden in your hometown.
I want to stress that I'm saying biking distance because, depending on where you live, what your family is like, and where you work, you can be in very serious, even life-threatening, danger if you are outed as a pagan or witch. If the wrong person catches on that you're into magic...well, they'll have a harder time proving that witch in the woods is you if they don't have your license plate number. Be safe, darlings.
2. Walk around barefoot outside - preferably on grass or soft dirt. But BE CAREFUL! About ten years ago, I heard a harsh metal sound when I was walking and figured out it was coming from under my foot. I lifted up my sandal and found a big metal fish hook stuck in the rubber sole (my foot was fine, thankfully). So use that as a cautionary tale. And be careful of any animal droppings you find. But really, grass on bare feet is probably one of the best feelings ever. Again, just be safe.
3. Join a social networking site just for witches and pagans. Or follow a Tumblr blog with a magical theme, or join a Facebook group for occultists. I recommend mywitchbook.com, but you have to be eighteen and older to join (I tried to join three months early, briefly mentioned my age in a post, and got temporarily kicked off. But they saved my profile and everything, so I can rejoin after my birthday). I also follow The Wiccan Life, another Blogspot blog.
4. Press herbs and flowers to make your own potpourri.
5. Write your own book of spells and charms, if you're into that. I meditate, pray, keep a BOS (that I frequently forget to write in, unfortunately), and use natural remedies sometimes (chamomile tea is great for any kind of stomach ache, and I hear it works nicely for period cramps too), but that's the most I really get involved with witchcraft, despite the stereotype that all witches are pagans and all pagans are witches. I do love the witchcraft community, though, and it's actually really cool to hear what they've managed to do. Tell me about your own experiences, if you want.
6. Tubing. Twice this month, my family and I have taken inflatable tubes down a river a few hours away from our house. Bring a bottle of water with you (either hold it in your lap or put it in a cupholder) and wear plenty of sunscreen. Bring your own tubes (and paddles if desired) to save money. You can also go kayaking or canoeing, but tubing (especially with paddles) takes fewer spoons. I've also tried white-water rafting, which was terrifying but exhilarating. Take any excuse to get outside.
7. Walk to and from school/work, if possible. Vitamin D and exercise are always good things. Your body is part of nature, and you are beautiful.
8. Hug a tree.
9. Garden. Play music while you do so, if you want.
10. Meditate. With enough practice, you might get to the point where you can stay calm through anything...but DON'T feel bad if you can't get to that point.
11. Dance.
12. Eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables, if possible.
13. Cook something from scratch.
14. Get to know your body.
15. Laugh yourself silly.
16. Talk to plants. Name them too, if you want. My basil plant is Marsha.
17. Listen to the rain.
18. Cuddle an animal.
19. Love yourself.
20. Appreciate the magic in mundane things.

A Few Thoughts on Heaven

Now, for those of you who have been with us for awhile, I've already discussed my religious beliefs (apparently, I'm what's called a henotheist, because I only worship one deity but acknowledge the existence of several others. I only learned this word yesterday. Fascinating!) as an eclectic pagan. And before that, I'd been a devout Christian. I was also an agnostic atheist for a few years, when I realized around seven or eight years old that I really had no proof that anything in the Bible was true, but I "accepted Jesus" (Gag me) around age fourteen and was a devout Christian during my first two years of high school. After that...well, I know some people who manage to reconcile the two, but for me Christianity and bisexuality (not to mention being transgender, aro, and a gray-ace with a libido) didn't work well together.

It wasn't that I had any beef with Jesus himself (I admire him, actually, but in the same way I admire Sylvia Rivera)...well, not much anyway. No, most of the reason I'm no longer wearing my beloved cross necklaces and fervently reading the Bible was because of my fellow Christians. If any of you remember "Jerry Falwell for Paganism" (Jerry Falwell being the very outspoken Southern Baptist fundie who founded and led the hate group known as Moral Majority and thought pagans caused 9/11)...well, Jerry wasn't the only one who alienated marginalized Christians in the US, driving them to leave the religion. But you all know my story.

That's not what I'm here to talk about, anyway. I'll fight the good fight. I'll educate people when I need to and I'll vent when the memories and bad feelings start getting to me. But other than that? I just want to live my life. I want to move on.

But one of the reasons it was hard for me to do that was the book Heaven is for Real. Doubts niggled at my too-trusting mind; how could a four-year-old who couldn't even read the Bible come up with so many details from it?

Then, only a few weeks ago, I found out something that, honestly, shouldn't have surprised me on account of Jesus not being a white guy and Colton (as well as a little girl named Akiane Kramarik, who I'm pretty sure was just dreaming) saying he was. Yeah, that's right Christians. Your precious Jesus was Asian. And Jewish. And poor. And I'm pretty sure aro ace.

I found out that Colton Burpo was faking it, as bad as Karma Ashcroft faked being a lesbian (though I'm still not totally convinced she isn't bi).

And this isn't just some rumor.

Think about it. The Burpos had been going broke when Colton's accident happened. They were desperate and needed the attention and money. Todd Burpo had broken his leg and struggled with a cancer scare. Of course they're going to do something drastic. So they put the kid up to this...this farce...and it gets to the point where they actually travel to meet Akiane, who by the way modeled that painting of hers after a very white family friend. The kid is confused and just wants to make his parents happy. Things start spiraling out of control. And after it all, America is one bad movie richer.

 So much like Alex Malarkey. What a surprise, right? I can't believe I didn't know. I honestly didn't put two and two together until after an old friend, a man who had trained to become a friar, worked as a youth pastor, devoted his life to the Bible, can answer virtually any question you throw at him about Christianity, and keeps close tabs on pretty much everything that happens in the religion, told me that Todd Burpo had faked the whole thing.

And it makes sense, despite Colton's claims that he really did go to Heaven, made when he discovered Malarkey's lie. Why does he feel the need to be so defensive, when many Christians (including myself, for a long time) actually found his story quite convincing already?

But these two (well, three, including Akiane) aren't the only kids who have claimed to visit the afterlife. The difference is that Wendy Chousmatison's story is a lot less well-known, probably because according to her, Heaven is feminist. I mean, an androgynous, dark-skinned Jesus who studied Buddhism? Gay people? Non-Christians? A society without classism? This simply won't do!!!

 Wendy doesn't seem to be faking it. Granted, it's only been three-and-a-half years since Wendy's own alleged (I say alleged because I have no definite proof that she isn't lying) trip to Heaven, and she has been pretty quiet about her experiences, compared to those two little angelic charlatans Alex Malarkey and Colton Burpo.

Her image of Heaven is almost exactly how I picture the Summerland. While that doesn't mean either of us is right, it's definitely caught my attention.l

Unlike Alex and the Burpos, Wendy had no apparent motive to make anything up. She was also much older than either Alex or Colton had been on their faked trips to the Afterlife, and less likely to merely buy into everything her parents told her about religion. If Wendy were going to lie, why would she need to do it?

Now, I'm not saying that Wendy's story is objectively, doubtlessly true. But it's definitely interesting to think about.

Just Another Random Poem

Summer of 2015
This summer is a revolution
And children of the future
Will likely have to remember these
Dates,
Cramming for the newest,
The latest and greatest
Brain-draining exam.

This summer has been testing
As my black and trans sisters
Are murdered around me
And the TV only mentions
White people's names.

This is the summer
Of 2015 -
A silenced summer
As Jennicet Gutierrez
Screams for justice.

This is a summer of justice
Of vengeance for violence -
Of remembrance,
Because being black
Shouldn't be a crime.

This is a summer of sexuality,
Of bodily autonomy
Because in one small way
Rich white Christians
Are forced to respect my
Humanity,
Because I have the satisfaction
Of slightly increased control
Over my own body.

This is the summer
In which the world finally knows
That Josh Duggar didn't allow his sisters the same.

This is a summer
In which history has been repeated
In which blood has been shed.
In which people have died.

This is a summer
In which childless mothers have cried
Because #AllLivesMatter
As long as those lives are cis and white.

Let's learn from this summer of 2015
So that, as they study it in history class,
The children of the future will not repeat our mistakes.

Thoughts About Josh Duggar

TW: rape, misogyny, rape apologism, Christianity, incest

Until now, Mod Frey and I have been largely silent on the topic of Josh Duggar.

So I'll write a post about him - and, more importantly, the fact that he raped five girls.

Look, if you've even vaguely heard of 19 Kids and Counting - a show I've long despised - you probably know the gist of the story by now. Nine years ago, sweet little Joshie, then a teenager, fondled the breasts and genitalia of five young girls, four of whom were his sisters. His parents and a state trooper - a man who is currently serving time for child pornography - deliberately covered up the crime until the statute of limitations had passed. In fact, Duggar's rapes would have gone completely unreported if not for some investigating that uncovered accusations of rape (I don't know all the details on this, but I assume said investigating was done by someone who finds the Duggars as creepy and horrifying as I do; I praise their unknown name).

And the "help" these people got for Josh was a few months of carpentry work. Under a family friend who also covered up his crime.

Now that I've covered the background of the crime, let's get to the aftermath.

1. People have been calling this a "controversy"...and do I even need to explain why this is wrong? The man is a SERIAL RAPIST. He's the scum of the earth. That shouldn't be controversial. It should be horrifying.
2. People have been defending Josh Duggar. See #1.
3. Josh Duggar was once on the Marriage and Family Council. You know, one of those cults that pretends to "love homosexuals but hate homosexuality" or some other crap. Or maybe they just openly hate queer people. I don't even know anymore. These cults all look alike to me, and the Duggars really are one by themselves.
4. So...why is being queer a sin, yet rape is still defended?
5. People who defend Josh Duggar, I really need to know. Do you just have some strange obsession with making sure nobody has control over their own bodies?
6. In one of many awesome tweets responding to Josh Duggar's serial rapes - let's call them what they are - a woman said something along the lines of "I don't know why anyone's surprised by the cover-up. Putting the needs of a son over multiple daughters is the very definition of patriarchy."

Well said, strange woman. Well said.

Food Bank Etiquette and Important Notes

This is a post for those of you who've fallen on hard times and come to the realization that yes you will have to ask for an an actual hand out this time round.

First of all, going to the food bank is nothing to be ashamed of hundreds, even thousands of people visit such places Every. Single. Day. and the only thing wrong with that is the fact that our society has made it so difficult to get by without them. Secondly if you do have to go to one you can trust me when I say that no one else there is going to be judgmental of you for being there, after all they're in the same boat as you.

I'm gonna move onto the Etiquette now;

Basic etiquette rule #1 -  If you are an able bodied, neurotypical, young person than trust me when I say you can stand in line a bit longer than the elderly woman with a walker it's polite to let this person cut in front of you in line or switch numbers with her if the food bank you're at happens to have a take a number system and you get one that goes in before her.

Basic etiquette rule #2 - Again this is for able bodied, neurotypical, young people. The food bank might have shady spaces or seating outside, if there are people who need these spaces more than you than you can stand in the light for a bit, I suggest bringing a pair of sunglasses and an umbrella if the light does bother you.

Basic etiquette rule #3 - If a person ahead of you happens to stall a moment to feed their child, whether it be by bottle, or breast, or just a little snack of solid food, you stay in your own space and let them be. It Is None Of Your Business.

Basic etiquette rule #4 - Finally I just want to say that it's rude to stare, so don't do it.

And now the notes!

1: There are A LOT of people at food banks, if this is a problem for you I strongly suggest bringing your phone (if you have one) or a book (again if you have one) to help you ignore them, it's not much but it helps me when I have to go, though I'll admit some people are still fairly rude and have bothered me whilst I read, drew, or listened to music.

2: Sometimes the people in charge of the food bank are just plain mean, they may care enough to help you get what you need but plenty of them are just there for volunteer hours, do not take their attitude as a personal affront it's their problem not yours.

3: Finally I want to say that people may push or shove when you are inside the food bank so if you did not arrive early enough to be first in line than I suggest hanging around in the back to maintain elbow room.

These are the observations I've made from regularly having to visit the nearest food bank for my own family, I could give more advice if requested but these seemed to stand out the most

Mod Frey

Clarification

As a genderfluid person, I'm part woman and tend to shift between feminine genders a lot. I'm sometimes female, sometimes demigirl, sometimes androgyne, sometimes agender, sometimes demiboy, and sometimes I don't even know. I'm also regularly perceived as a woman, or at least as womanlike, so I'm treated as a woman socially and politically...which is sometimes dysphoria-inducing, actually...so I experience sexism. If/when I refer to myself as a woman or girl, these are my reasons for doing so.

As for my sexuality...I know it gets confusing. I've only ever had romantic crushes on four people, though most of those were partly platonic (and I'm not even sure if one of them was a crush), in my nearly-eighteen years, and all of my crushes have identifed at least partly as women and girls. So I call myself myself a lesbian as well as aroflux.

 And being gray-ace, I don't experience a whole lot of sexual attraction in the first place and don't really want a sexual relationship. Should the urge to have sex ever strike me, I'll go off and do it. But in the meantime, I mostly prefer to just look at hot people and not do much of anything about it. The sexual attraction I do feel is mostly towards women, and I tend to favor femininity, but that doesn't mean I don't occasionally find queer butch women and masculine men (I'm not comparing butch women to men, I'm saying that I'm attracted to them less so than femmes because I prefer femininity) attractive. I have a thing for Tyler Posey, for example. But I don't really want to do anything about that and don't think I would want to if I had the chance. I just think he's good looking. Yeah...my sexuality is complicated. That's partly why I don't label it as anything but gray-ace and queer anymore. And now maybe as sappho. :)

Things that should not be said to Asexuals.

"Why do you make (insert genital name) jokes if you don't like sex?"

I am asexual, that does not mean I have no sense of humor, sometimes these jokes are funny.

"Don't you care about your partners needs?"

Of course I do! I just think that they should care about my needs as well.

"So you're asexual, like you just don't like dating?"

Really dear? I said aSEXUAL not aROMANTIC, I am still quite happy with romance

"I bet I could fix that ;)"

I don't need fixing

"You just haven't met The One"

Life's not a rom-com, there is no 'One'

"You're being selfish!"

No I'm not, you are

Some Thoughts On Heteronormativity

For whatever reason, a lot of cishet people seem to think that everyone who is  attracted to men and everyone who is masculine is attracted to women. I'm not sure what this says about androgynous people, not to mention aromantics, asexuals, and multisexuals, but it's so painfully untrue that I decided to confront it.

1. Straight tomboys exist and nobody says a word about them, but if a tomboy is a lesbian or multisexual, her androgyny is assumed to be BECAUSE of her identity. How is that fair?

2. Most crossdressers are women or straight men, so why are queer men stereotyped as feminine? And why are queer men so hated, mocked, and discriminated against when they ARE feminine? Why is femininity a bad thing?

Think about that for a second. Now unpack your misogyny, homophobia, and femmephobia.

Femininity is not a bad thing.

3. From personal experience, queer cis people conform to gender roles at roughly the same rate as straight cis people, aside from the fact that queer sexuality and romance in themselves defy heteronormative gender roles.

I mentioned in the My Journey post that most of my close friends are queer girls, but there's also several others at my school. And from experience, queer women are no more or less feminine than straight women. The only difference is that while all straight women are into men, only some queer women are.

As for queer men versus straight men, I can't really compare as much because I don't know many out queer men. Let's see...there's three cis gay men (two adults and a teenager), two bi cis boys (I edited this post after a friend came out to me), and one cis boy who is some variety of not-straight but I've never asked exactly what and he's never told me. One of  these men is androgynous, but the other four are masculine. Especially if you factor in #3, queer men are no more or less masculine than straight men.

As for trans people, whether queer or straight...well, by virtue of being trans we're automatically gender variant. And many of us in the trans community have this delightful fondness of rejecting the concept of gender norms altogether. While I'm a big fan of the practice in theory, I'm too indoctrinated into heteronormativity to fully adopt it in practice. I try, though. And what I've observed is that this makes much more sense than the sexist, racist system we have in place now. I can't understand why cis people don't just adopt it already, but then cis people also think WE'RE the strange ones. I'm not sure why.



Decent cishet Christian men, don't freak if your toddler son likes playing with his sister's Disney Princess stuff. It doesn't necessarily mean he'll be gay, or that your son is actually your daughter. And if he is? So what? What are you so afraid of? Don't bring fire and brimstone into it, either. Unless you can actually give me proof of Satan that DOESN'T come in the form of Bible verses, I refuse to take any proselytizing you may have to offer seriously.

Cishet moms, just go with it if your nine-year-old daughter starts refusing to wear all things pink and frilly. She might just be a tomboy. She might be queer. She might actually be your son. She might have some internalized misogyny - and if you feel like that might be the case, you need to have a heart to heart with her. But that's a whole 'nother rant.

Honestly, I think Timmy Turner's dad had it right when he said, "Where is it written in this one sided society that a man can't be beautiful?!"

Same-Sex Marriage Is Legal, But...

...We still have damn far to go.

Here are more queer civil rights issues that we can't forget...

1. 40% of homeless youth are queer or trans.
2. Doctors are still mutilating intersex kids.
3. Trans women of color are still being murdered.
4. Corrective rape is still happening.
5. Conversion therapy is still happening.
6. The 'Gay Panic' defense is still legal in 49 out of 50 states.
7. Bi women are still more likely to be physically abused than lesbian or straight women.
8. Trans people are more likely to live in poverty.
9. Bathrooms. Just bathrooms.
10. We still need to fear the police, especially our undocumented people, trans people, poor people, sex workers, and people of color.
11. Undocumented LGBTQ+ people, especially TPOC, still face violence and brutality while imprisoned. Jennicet Gutierrez, anyone?
12. In most states, there's no statewide non-discrimination policy protecting trans people. 
13. In about half, there's also no statewide non-discrimination policy protecting cis queer people, either.
14. There's still people trying to ban youth shelters.
15. Trans teenagers are still committing suicide because of transphobic bullying and abuse.

I'm tired of rich, white, cis gay people forgetting that we do, in fact, still have really far to go.

Why Transracial Isn't Comparable To Transgender

I think a lot of you have heard of Rachel Dolezal by now - the white woman who spent years in the NAACP, pretending to be black. She identifies as 'transracial' (a word stolen by white people from adoptees of color, btw) and a lot of racist transphobes have supporting this, making the claim that if one can change their gender, why not their race?

Here's why not:

1. Transracial identity doesn't go both ways. If it (in this post, I'm using it in the same way Dolezal thinks it's supposed to be used) were legitimate, there would be people transitioning to whiteness and receiving white privilege. But there's not, and don't bring up Michael Jackson. The man had a skin disease.

Trans men gain male privilege when transitioning and are often accepted as men. Trans women do not have male privilege while they are closeted and presenting male, as the 'womanly' aspects of their identities would still be shamed and they would still have grown up in a misogynistic society. But when trans women are out, they definitely don't have male privilege.

A relatively minor example - minor, that is, compared to trans women of color being murdered and young trans girls being kicked out of their homes - would be the sexual objectification of Caitlyn Jenner. Most of you have probably heard people joke about how pissed Kris probably is about Caitlyn's attractiveness (a beauty contest that neither woman consented to), or you've heard them ask what the point of being a woman is if one is not attracted to men (this is heterocentric, and for the record Caitlyn's asexual. I don't know if she's also homoromantic, but she has specified that she is not a lesbian). Men, even trans men, don't get those comments. Just the fact that trans womanhood is so much more sensationalized in the media than trans manhood is an example of misogyny; it is not considered shocking or scandalous to be a man.

But people of color, even if they said they were white, would still face racism. They would be mocked and belittled, and only decades ago they might have been lynched for it. But Rachel Dolezal, a white woman, does the same thing and is encouraged and applauded by her fellow white people. White people love to appropriate black culture, but if a black person likes rock music they are accused of acting 'too white.' How is this fair?

2. Transgender identity has been around for centuries in multiple cultures - look at the Two Spirits of Indigenous America, or the kathoey of Thailand, or the fa'afafines of Samoa, or the hijras of India. It is something that people all over the world, regardless of race, sexuality, religion, socioeconomic class, body type, or any other factor, experience.

The words that modern, western genderqueer people use to define ourselves - like genderfluid, for example - were born from the fact that white Christianity dominated our politics and cultures, and therefore our lives, for so long. We, for too long, hadn't had the ability to articulate our identities in any way that already existed in our cultures. We needed new words, so we made some up. That's how language develops; otherwise, we'd all still be grunting and howling incomprehensibly.

But transracial identity, as Dolezal and her racist, transphobic cronies define it, didn't really become a thing until a few decades ago at the most.

And...that's pretty much it. So, don't be a transphobic racist, 'kay? Transracial=/=transgender. Don't defend Rachel Dolezal, or any other white person who appropriates non-white cultures. Don't excuse them. And for the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT conflate transracial with transgender.

FINALLY, Another Random Poem!

Unselfish Love

I've been told that queer relationships are 'selfish'

That our love is inferior, is sinful, isn't even real

But when I fell in love with a girl,

My affection couldn't ever be described as disgusting

Is love when you just want to be

With the object of your desire?

When you can talk with her,

About anything in the world?

When her laugh is the sweetest sound,

When you are continually amazed by her?

When you can imagine spending the rest of

Your life with her?

When she makes you laugh when you know

You're about to cry?

I've been told queer relationships are 'selfish'

That our love is inferior, is sinful, isn't even real

But when I fell in love with a girl,

My affection couldn't be described as disgusting

Love isn't disgusting

Whether it is romantic or platonic.

Not everyone among us,

Those you deem freaks and sinners,

Less than human,

Unworthy of respect,

experiences that strange desire for romance...

But why is platonic love lesser?

Why is romance so centered?

I fall between romantic and aromantic,

And my love is partly platonic

But it is not inferior

It is not lesser

Because our bared bodies look so similar.

Because I am both man and woman

I've been told queer relationships are 'selfish'.

Selfish? For wanting to be with her?

Selfish? For demanding bodily autonomy,

Not just for myself but for my queer siblings?

Selfish? For calling you out on your hypocrisy,

Your refusal to follow the First Amendment

That you have used to condemn me?

No. I am not selfish.

You are, because freedom of religion

Is not just freedom of Christianity.

Because what I do with my body

Is no one's business but my own

Because I demand agency,

But your discomfort is apparently

More important than my autonomy.

I love God. I respect Jesus

And his legacy of love

But you,

You have destroyed that

With the theocracy,

And the murders,

And the 'reparative' therapy

That you would call democracy.

Fuck your religion

Because you have taken that loving legacy

And you have used it to shed the blood

Of anyone who isn't your cookie cutter clone

I don't buy this 'love the sinner, hate the sin' crap

Because no matter what you pretend,

You still have blood on your hands.

I Just Loved These Photos

Look at these photos. And these. These ones too. Don't forget about these. And these photos of queer women and men couples of color being in love. So much pride. This makes me smile. It's all so beautiful. Can you feel the pride tonight?

The Pride festivals are over - or just about - but that doesn't mean we can't have pride and love ourselves year-round. And right now, I have so much pride it's making me all choked up. So enjoy.

Songs for Survival

You know how I used music to overcome internalized queerphobia? These are the songs that helped me keep my head up when I couldn't do it on my own.

I know someone will need them. I hope they'll help someone else the way they helped me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhqH-r7Xj0E
She Keeps Me Warm by Mary Lambert

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5_VedjD5Ng'
Same Love remake by Angel Haze

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlRnQ2nj2gk
Come Alive by Janelle Monae

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=49&v=9e9NSMY8QiQ
Closer by Tegan and Sara

Nightmare by Miley Cyrus

Brave by Sara Bareilles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgnHF2CwrPs
I Can Go the Distance by Hercules

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk&spfreload=10
Let It Go by Idina Menzel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzE1mX4Px0I
Who Says by Selena Gomez & The Scene

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ6uoSm4XQU
A Certain Person by Light Asylum

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUFPWW7IqCU
Freak Flag by Shrek the Musical

http://tundeolaniran.com/
Transgressor by Tunde Olaniran (I couldn't find this song on YouTube. Just click the 'Music' tab.)

Sorry for the link weirdness; I can't click the link button on this computer right now because of popups that I'm not sure how to get rid of.

My Journey

TW: butchphobia, homophobia, lesbophobia, transmisogyny, Christian supremacy, internalized queerphobia, arophobia, dysphoria, body part mentions, transphobia. heterosplaining, cissplaining, concern trolling, betrayal, rape discussion, sexual harassment, coming out, conversion therapy, suicide, abuse, bullying, hypersexualization, online harassment, brainwashing, gaslighting, acephobia, racism, misogyny, body policing, self-harm, homelessness, invalidation, bathrooms, pornography, profanity, sexuality, romance, biphobia, sapphobia, religion, panic attacks, self-hate, d-slur, q-slur, police brutality, medical neglect, slut shaming

Wow, it's officially been over a year since I started this blog. (And it's Pride Month again.) And in that time, I've come out five times...first as bisexual, then as pagan, then as genderfluid, then as aroflux (I finally found a better term for my romantic orientation than 'gray-panromantic'...which I don't think would work anyway, because lo and behold I'm not romantically attracted to men), then as gray-ace.

And honestly, I'm pretty sure that a lot of cishet readers started to take my comings-out (coming-outs? Outings?) as a joke around the time I revealed that I'm genderfluid. Which is pretty transphobic, really, and I'll probably yell at you all later for it.

But I think a big reason people haven't been taking me seriously is that they don't understand or think I'm just a confused teenager. And, hey, I might be. But, first of all, that's part of growing up. You figure yourself out and realize how you relate to the world. Second, there's no rule that says a person can't change their minds about the labels they use for themselves. Third, queer sexuality, (a)romance, and gender can be ridiculously complicated and orientations aren't static for everyone. Fourth, the concept of being straight and cis is just as strange to me as being genderfluid, gray-ace, gray-aromantic, bi, or any other kind of queer probably is to cishet people, or even some queer people.

 I can barely even write romance, and when I can, there's almost never a man (who is consistently a man; he could be genderfluid though) in the relationship because I've never gotten a crush on a guy (on the plus side, this means there's lots of lesbian, multisexual, asexual, nonbinary, and aromantic representation in my work!). If there IS a man, he can't be in a relationship with another man - I just don't know how to write that - and I have to write from the viewpoint of the man.

And sex? I've never even tried writing any kind of sex. Since I rarely feel sexual attraction, the little sexual attraction I do feel tends to be toward woman-type people, I can't really differentiate between sexual and aesthetic attraction to men, and I'm pretty much apathetic to partnered sex, my relationship with sex and sexuality has always been...unconventional, to say the least. It just never occurs to me to write it. If I ever write sex, I'll probably have to get inspiration from the M-rated section at Fanfiction.net (word on the geek street is, this is the only porn around that's actually somewhat realistic. Yet another reason we need feminism.), or go around interrogating allosexuals to figure out what their deal is. Which would be really funny, actually. I can see myself staring intently at someone with a very serious look on my face as they struggle to explain the appeal of genitalia and I'm dutifully taking notes like I'm in class.

Ahem. Back on topic. So, my queer journey. As the title says.

The first time I figured out something funky was up, I was probably about five or six years old. Thanks to Minnesota laws (because that's where I lived back then), I had to start kindergarten late in the year. Thanks to other stuff I don't really remember, I also had to go to day care a few days a week. And there was this kid I connected with in day care, a little squirt named Dawson something. That child was basically my best friend. As far as Dawson was concerned, I was essentially just another little boy. Which he was kind of right about, actually. I was a little boy - a little boy who was also a little girl. (Thanks to internalized cisheteronormativity, I also decided I was in love with the kid. But that's a whole 'nother story.) 

And that was why we connected so well. I didn't fit in with the little girls, what with my insistence that color had no gender and my love of 'boy toys' and the whole 'boys are icky!' thing that so many girls have gone through at some point. I didn't totally connect with the boys, either, since my girlhood was a huge part of me, too, and there are some things about being a girl that cis boys just can't relate to (or worse, have been taught to look down upon). Also, the little boys were just as grossed-out and confused by girls as the girls were by them. But, again, here I was. A girl who was also a boy, and for that reason I was not-icky enough for some of the boys (and also, some of the girls) to welcome me into their fold.

It was by hanging out with these boys, unconsciously studying them, connecting with them as one of the guys, that I realized - I really was one of the guys. Partially, anyway. And of course I decided to tell my dad about this. He was my hero, you know? My role model. I wanted to be just like him. And even eleven years after his death, I still wonder if he would accept and be as proud of his son as he might have been of his daughter.

But my dad was a Republican, a Catholic, and a middle-class white cis (and, I assume, het) guy. And this was the early-to-mid 2000s, which meant it was still essentially the nineties. Any USian queer person who remembers the nineties knows firsthand what an awful decade that was.

So Daddy Dearest had never been exposed to any kind of queerness before, and if he ever met any trans people besides me, he either kept it awful close or he just didn't know. Of course he had no idea what to do when his little princess announced that she was his little prince. No idea, that is, besides looking horrified, telling me I was wrong, and yelling "KATHLEEN, TELL OUR DAUGHTER SHE'S NOT A BOY!"

Now, I was a precocious kid. I knew that two adults together weren't going to take the word of a five-year-old at face value. And I thought that adults were 'smarter' than kids on pretty much everything. After all, they had the college degrees to prove it. So I decided to keep my mouth shut and tell my parents I was just kidding. And for a few years, I convinced myself that I really had been.

After my dad died, my mom and I moved back to Michigan. It only made sense - our family was here, and Daddy was the one who'd wanted to live in Minnesota in the first place. I joined the brownie troop at my new elementary school, and for the first time I really connected with other girls. It was Brownies, after all. And Girl Scouts of America is a fabulous and very feminist and wonderful organization for girls, but the enjoyment that I got out of it was that nobody cared if I acted like a boy, but I also wasn't disrespected for being like a girl. Most of us were tomboys, after all, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if one of my former troopmates were to also come out as transgender. 

I could get as dirty and sweaty as I wanted, I could cut my hair short, and I could wear masculine clothing. None of it was questioned - something that reminds me of Not Aiden, the trans man who writes the blog Not Another Aiden, actually. (It was Not Aiden - he chooses to stay anonymous because he's stealth - who helped me realize I was transgender in the first place, and that I didn't have to be hypermasculine to be valid, or even to have a totally even mix of masculine and feminine traits. After all, he's not only trans, he's, and I quote, "one of the most flamingly gay guys I know. The two who beat me are both cisgender and I figure if they can be camp then so can I." Well said, Not Aiden. Well said. And as long as I'm derailing my own post here, I just want to say that feminine trans guys are valid. Masculine trans girls are valid. Nonbinary people who aren't androgynous - even if they're butches who were assigned male or femmes who were assigned female - are valid. You're all valid and important. Screw gender roles. As long as you don't - shudder - call yourself trans for 'political reasons' or think it's some fad or a game to play on Tumblr, you're totally valid in my eyes and I will stand by you. No matter how neo your pronouns are, no matter how weird the name of your gender is or if you even can name it, no matter how you present, no matter what gender(s) you're attracted to or if you even are attracted to any, no matter what kind of medical procedures you do or don't want, you're valid. 'Kay, I'll get off my soapbox now.)

But the whole world wasn't a Girl Scouts meeting, and even at those meetings, there was something in the other girls that separated me from them and I'd never been able to put my finger on exactly what it was. After all, I took ballet, had a vagina, had mostly girl friends, and sometimes wore skirts - didn't that mean I wasn't a boy, even if I sometimes felt more like a boy than a girl? Even if, as my body started changing in fifth grade, everything just felt wrong?

Gender roles were a confusing thing, even to me. I liked skirts and dresses and Bratz sometimes, yes. But those things weren't for boys. Baggy shorts, short hair, and t-shirts were. That's what I'd always been taught and that's what I'd internalized. So I began to dress more masculine and seek out male friends to imitate, starting my transition at only nine years old, before I ever even heard the word transgender.

I also got my first crush in elementary school, too. My mother thinks it's a boy named Ryan in the fourth grade, but looking back, I think the situation was more like what I'd had going with Dawson. Ryan just saw me as one of the boys, and I think on some unconscious level he knew that that's what I was. And he didn't shut me out for being part girl, like so many boys did at that age, because everywhere they turned, they were told that being like a girl was something shameful. I told myself I had a crush on him because I liked him as a person. Again, internalized heteronormativity and cisnormativity. After all, vagina=girl=attracted to boys and only boys, right? But I didn't like Ryan that way. I don't feel that I've ever been romantically attracted to any boy.

No, my first crush was at six years old. A girl who we'll call Anya. I met her in first grade and her desk was next to mine. Typical, little kid, one-sided puppy love, except that one of us was only a boy part of the time. And except for the fact that I didn't even know it was puppy love, because as far as I was concerned I was a girl and Anya was a girl and girls only liked boys and that was that. Gah, heteropatriarchy. It's a parasite and it will eat our souls.

Anyway. Moving on.

I don't even remember that much about Anya, besides that she had long blonde curly hair, her voice sounded fancy, she once invited me over to her house, and I kept getting butterflies around her and wanting to hold her hand. And that, when another little boy showed interested in her, I got jealous and chased the kid off the playground. I had a rivalry going with that boy up through the fifth grade, even though Anya left our school that year. At one point, we had the whole class taking sides (almost everyone sided with me, in case you're wondering).

I started dressing more femininely in the sixth grade, after the gossip and internalized queerphobia finally got to me. But it didn't always feel right, especially when I was on my period. And you have to realize, I was a fat kid. I bled heavily every time. I totally support trans people who are okay with their periods, but God the dysphoria was awful.

 I wrote a lot of short stories back then, with androgynous main characters. In retrospect, I'd been trying to write about other genderqueer kids without even knowing it. The old files are probably somewhere in my hard drive.

Sixth grade was also a milestone for me: it was the year I first heard the word transgender. Granted, the person whom I'd asked to educate me was Ella. You guys remember Ella? The Christian cousin I used to be friends with? Yeah, well, as you may have guessed, she's one hell of a lot more ignorant about queerness than she thinks she is (she once tried to convince me that some people had a 'mental disposition' and 'certain tendencies' that made them more vulnerable to Satanic influence and, therefore, more likely to be gay or BPQ. I don't speak Homophobe, but I can only assume this means my cousin thinks all women  - which in Ella's mind means vaginas - into women are masculine or androgynous, and all men  - which in Ella's mind means penises - into men are feminine or androgynous. Maybe this stems from the culturally and systemically enforced heteronormative belief that all non-hetero identities are pale imitations of the cishet "ideal". Who knows? Cishet people are weird like that. Whatever the case, it's actually really ironic, considering that not only am I queer, AFAB, and leaning somewhat more toward femininity on the androgynous spectrum, but her sister's best friend is an openly bisexual and very masculine boy, and this one gay man whom we have both known most of our lives - his family is friends with our family - looks like a lumberjack even though he's basically a big teddy bear. Ella's also been known to equate homosexuality to murder - no, she said it was worse than murder - thinks every single queer woman ever is attracted to her, is horrified by the thought of using the same public restroom as a trans woman, is convinced that there's a gay agenda, thinks that she "loves homosexuals but hates homosexuality", and would like to know why the MOGAI community isn't more tolerant of all this. I'm not even sure what the gay agenda is or how it's possible to love someone while denying them the same rights that you take for granted, but let's give my cousin a serious side-eye because this stuff is all skeevy af, everyone!).

Ella's definition of trans was - and is - "a boy who think he's a girl, or a girl who thinks she's a boy." That's what she said when I asked her. I'm not even kidding.

Wow. Well, in retrospect, she wasn't much more bigoted or ignorant than any other cis seventh grader. She's just a hell of a lot more bigoted and ignorant than most college students now (something that I think is a testament to our public education system and just one of many reasons that feminism is so necessary). And, Ella, if you're reading this, I'm going to be getting really pissy about you in this post. Frankly, you have treated me like crap, you seem to have no moral compass, you think it's okay to be totally disgusting to other people but expect them to not judge you, you appear to see LGBTQ+ people as less than human, and it's honestly amazing how little you know about how little you know. So if you don't like it, don't bother continuing. But I think you'll want to.

So, anyway, going by Ella's wildly inaccurate definition of transness, it's only natural that I didn't realize I wasn't cis until years later. But something I did realize about myself soon enough was that I liked girls as well as boys (when I say that I like boys, I mean I like them sexually, not romantically...at least, I don't think so. I've never gotten a crush on a boy, but gender has never been a big deal to me. I care less about that, at least in theory, than I do about a person's aesthetic attractiveness and personality). And that's a big reason I began dressing so much more femininely in my early teens. I thought I was a butch lesbian and that prospect horrified me. That's called butchphobia and it's horrible. It's also very prevalent, both in the lesbian community and outside of it.

Seventh grade was a really bad year for me. I developed fast, so I was dealing with all my body dysphoria at once. I'd started questioning my sexuality and trying unsuccessfully to convince myself I was getting crushes on boys when I wasn't actually getting crushes on anyone at all (I just found both boys and girls attractive and was sometimes turned on by boys and sometimes by girls, but very often I didn't feel attracted to anyone at all and I felt mostly apathetic toward sex) and hadn't since Anya. I couldn't hide my breasts, because I'd never even heard of a binder and didn't understand why I felt so uncomfortable with my body in the first place. I'd assumed it was because I was fat, or because all girls felt that way. (Another reason we need feminism.)

But as I grew older, I began to feel marginally more comfortable with my androgyny, dressing femme when I felt like it and tomboyish when I didn't. And I was still in denial about my bisexuality, even though I'd questioned it in middle school.

That facet of my identity was something that came to light and pretty much smacked me in the face when I was about fifteen. My sophomore year of high school, and also the year I fell for the new girl (not that I ever worked up the nerve to tell her). We'll call her...Cammie. My second crush ever, and a DFAB genderqueer bisexual. She was brilliant, a dedicated dancer with a 4.0 GPA. She was curious, a great listener, and willing to consider things other people never would have thought of. And she was damn near the only person I'd let call me 'pretty.' I almost fainted with delight when she did.

Even though I was romantically attracted to Cammie (and, I'll admit, slightly disappointed and jealous when she said that she had a crush on a guy we knew), I was usually happy fantasizing from afar. My desire for a romantic relationship with her fluctuated, I didn't really want to have sex with her, and I was almost relieved when I realized I'd lost feelings for her. The fluctuation of romantic attraction I've felt throughout my life - very often feeling none at all - is called aroflux. But I didn't know that yet.

And since we had mutual friends, coming out wasn't really a feasible option. I was so terrified they'd tell Cammie how I felt about her, and I'd had experiences that terrified me out of coming out.

I did make progress, though. I managed to squeak out that I was questioning. That was in a conversation with three mutual friends. Two of them came out as asexual that night, and a third was bisexual. (One of the other asexuals later revealed that she was a demigirl, and they both are aromantic.) Ironically, this took place at a Catholic conference. Called Rainbow.

Yeah, go ahead and snicker quietly to yourself.

A couple months after that, I had my first Day of Silence. Now, if you don't know what that is, I'll explain here. See, suicide and self-harm rates are really high among MOGAI youth. We face a lot of homophobic and transphobic bullying from our peers - I've even been sexually harassed by a group of cishet girls on my way home from school - as well as abuse from our families.

Did you know that approximately 40% of homeless youth are MOGAI? That's no coincidence. It comes from kids being kicked out when they come out to their parents, or running from something even worse than homelessness. Like conversion therapy, the practice of trying to make a queer person straight or a trans person cis through methods like forced conformity to gender roles, mental or spiritual manipulation, or physical pain. Thankfully, the use of conversion therapy on minors is being banned from the United States, but that progress doesn't fix everything.

And it can't bring back Leelah Alcorn, Melonie Rose, Blake Brockington, Taylor Alesana, or the many other queer and trans teenagers who have taken their own lives. But we can stop the body count from increasing.

That's what I was trying to do when I impulsively wrote a poem in honor of DoS and published it on my old blog, The Bronte Chix. Ella and her sisters saw it immediately and freaked out. I actually stated in the poem what Day of Silence was, so I'm not sure if they actually read it all the way through and had no respect for what it meant or if they just skimmed, saw the word 'gay', and ignored the rest.

My cousins tried to argue with me in the comments, but I couldn't really reason with them. I mean, it's sort of hard to use logic on people whose idea of morality is whatever the Bible tells them is right and whatever straight, cis, white, Christian authority figures have brainwashed them into believing. Anyway, at some point, they told me that they weren't homophobic...which is a load of bullshit as far as I'm concerned. Their reason for this belief, like that of pretty much every conservative Christian ever, is that they love homosexuals but hate homosexuality. Yeah, I'll believe that when they actually treat us with dignity.

Let me ask you something, ladies. If you love queer people - and it's not only homosexuals - why don't you seem to value our lives? Why do you compare us to murderers? Why do you think our liberation movement threatens your religious freedom, when it really doesn't affect you at all if other people are free to openly have sex, date, and get married to people who have their same genitals (this is actually not what homosexuality is, because gender is not genitalia, but you don't seem to comprehend this no matter how many times I explain it.)? Why don't you realize that, whether it's intentional or not, you're hurting people you claim to care about when you support antiqueer people, laws, and organizations? That you're putting our lives in danger? That you're putting my life in danger?

If you really care so damn much about queer people, why can't you respect your own queer cousin when I tell you that your concern isn't wanted or needed, and that you come across as creepy, brainwashed cult members when you try to "help" me? Or that you're actually really ignorant about us and you're being totally rude and invasive by violating our privacy and bodily autonomy?

Or do you not care?

And, just so you know, trans women are not trying to rape you or anything when they use the same bathroom as you - they're trying to avoid being raped. Using the bathroom or changing room can be really dangerous when you're trans. If you use the men's, you risk being attacked physically. If you use the women's, you risk the other occupants being irrationally afraid of you, harassing you, yelling at you, staring at your chest and genitals, and calling the authorities to have you removed. Since I'd been assigned female at birth, I do have some protection as far as bathrooms are concerned. But if I'd been assigned male, the chances of something happening to me would be so much higher. That's called transmisogyny, by the way (and the intersection of transphobia and misogyny that Freyja and I face for identifying partly, but not wholly, as women is called demimisogyny).

And trans people are not a threat to anything. From personal experience, we have more reason to be afraid of cis people than they do of us - especially in spaces where people will be partially or totally nude. So really, if you see a gender variant person in the bathroom or changing room, just leave them alone and let them do their thing. As the hashtag says, we just need to pee. If you actually love us as much as you claim, support our right to do so safely.

Moving on.

Once the heat over my poem seemed to have cooled, I decided to risk a post about LGBTQ history for Pride Month. And I'd been considering coming out in that post.

First, though, I figured I should probably ask permission first, because I shared the blog with my cousins and two other girls, both of whom were queer (but I hadn't mentioned this to my cousins). Which is ridiculous, as I'd done most of the work on the blog, had as much right to post on it as anybody else, half of us supported LGBTQIA rights, and at least two-thirds of us were queer (number four was an aromantic, gray-heterosexual, cis girl, but she didn't know that until several months later, when I showed her Aven).

But of course my cousins - mainly LiLi and Ella - were horrified by the idea and threatened to leave the blog if I tried to write the Pride post. They also concern-trolled me several times through email, often sending me Bible quotes, using my spirituality to manipulate me, and generally expressing their hatred for queer people...excuse me, for our sexualities. At one point, they even made a post all about their hatred of homosexuality, and anything they perceived as homosexuality, on our shared blog. Hypocritical, much?

I know that post was probably triggering for some of our readers - remembering it is triggering for me - so I apologize on my cousins' behalf. I hope they can eventually get the help they so desperately need. And I hope that someday, they'll apologize for their own actions.

I knew I deserved better than that, so I decided to make my own blog, where I could write whatever I wanted and be hella queer without offending anybody's Christian sensibilities...okay, I can't even say that without laughing. Sorry you were so horrified by the fact that I basically fart pride colors.

The blog would be amazing. It would be fabulous. It. Would. Be. So. Effing. Queer.

This is that blog, though it's evolved quite a lot since I first started it up last year in a fit of bisexual feminist fury, ready to battle homophobia like a little bike badass. I've become increasingly more feminist, converted to paganism, found family, friendship, and love among other queer girls, realized I was nonbinary, joined Skittlr, realized I was aroflux, realized I was gray-ace, joined Aven, come out several times, renamed the blog, acquired an underling (Hi, Freyja!), gotten two more crushes (once with an androsexual, bigender femme, and that crush faded really fast. I think it wasn't even a crush. And the other was on a queer cis girl, is partly platonic and partly romantic, and has not faded).

But enough with the spoilers about the Gay Women's Channel soap opera that is my life. We shall continue.

That first summer was...awkward, to say the least. I was living this weird double life where I was out (as bisexual) to the friends who actually cared about me, regardless of my sexuality or gender, but faking straightness and cisness in front of my family (and probably doing a really shitty job of it). The blog was where the two worlds met and waged war. I wrote about queerness, but was very careful to not mention that I was queer myself.

I had to walk on eggshells, trying to seek the approval and validation of people who didn't like me for me. I hadn't yet learned that the only person I owed love to, the only person who really needed to validate or approve of me, was myself. And that anyone who got in the way of that needed to get out of my life.

 At one point, I wrote a fanfiction that included an interracial, interfaith romance between a white androgynous bisexual Christian girl, Quinn, and a Latina, pagan femme lesbian, Cara. I talked to my family about the story, always very careful to not reveal that Quinn was a girl. I couldn't - they would have thrown a temper tantrum.

There were - and are - times when I got panicky and anxious that Ella was right about queer people and I really was angering God, sometimes feeling physically sick because of it. I know, it's ridiculous. And it's a sign that I should have cut her out long ago.

When I joined a Facebook group for feminists last July, I did so with the self-hating, puritanical mindset I'd internalized - the one that taught me sexuality was something negative, that my body was shameful, that my worth was contained in my relationships with men and others' opinions of me, that my needs were unimportant, that peace was more important than justice. Immediately, the other women in the group despised me. I don't blame them. I would have despised me too.

A big reason for that was Christianity. Now, I'm not saying that all Christians are bad or that my church was one of the bad ones. In fact, as far as Catholic churches go, it was pretty feminist. There were several non-Christian and openly queer kids, the youth group was diverse and welcoming, most of us accepted religious diversity, we held functions to help the sick and poor, and a woman of color was in charge of the youth ministry program. My friends and I were queer feminists, fighting the kyriarchy with our words and actions and calling out any oppression we found around us.

Most of the reason I internalized this mindset was because of my cousins. I don't blame them, though. They are victims, just as I once was. Just as so many Christians still are. I want to help them, because I'm angry at the system that took power and agency away from us.

But their influence on me needed to be confronted and torn down. Even in my darkest moments, I knew in my heart that they were wrong about homosexuality. Who knew what else they were wrong about?

I spent weeks educating myself by researching statistics and reading articles, eventually coming to the conclusion that I no longer agreed with Christianity. I couldn't believe that a loving God would damn innocents to Hell when many of them hadn't even been heard of Jesus - or that this God would condone the deadly evangelism used to convert them to Christianity.

I didn't believe in Satan - I thought he was just a scapegoat so people didn't have to confront their own sins and faults and could just blame those things on someone else, and a tool to control the masses to make them afraid of 'bad' feelings and desires that weren't. I didn't believe in hell or purgatory. I didn't believe Jesus had risen from the dead or was the Messiah. I believed in evolution and had no problem with sexual, romantic, gender, religious, and philosophical diversity or with abortion. And I had a few questions about God.

Why would God demand that pregnant people die rather than have an abortion that could save their lives? Why wouldn't God just make everyone demisexual, if He wanted us all to be chaste until marriage - while this isn't what demisexuality is, wouldn't it make the wait much easier? Why would He punish Eve for eating an apple, when He hadn't explained why she wasn't supposed to, or even given her the mental ability to know right from wrong? What was with this "He" thing, anyway? WHY CAN'T GOD BE A WOMAN?!

Now that I knew what I didn't believe in - and what was triggering me into moments of self-hate and self-destruction - I needed to focus on what I did. I still had great respect for Jesus, but the thought of what his followers had done to his legacy of love filled me with revulsion. I agreed with his philosophy of love and compassion, with selflessly offering assistance to those in need, with living life to the fullest. But those weren't ideals exclusive to Christianity. And other aspects of my spiritual beliefs - my conviction in sexual freedom, my awe of nature, my fascination with sexuality, my belief in giving others as much respect as they gave you, my passion for justice, my theory that God was nonbinary - fell more in line with paganism. I didn't really fall into any particular path, which is how I eventually found the label eclectic.

But I was also skeptical, logical, and scientific in ways that didn't really go well with religion. I demanded facts, sources, proof. I was analytical and critical, refusing to fully accept anything unless I had a good reason. I couldn't prove that a deity of any kind existed. Really, did I know anything about the celestial and supernatural? Did anyone?

For that reason, I also identify as agnostic. I acknowledge that I don't know what the truth is, but I know what my personal theories are.

And I knew that, what with the harassment and bigotry I'd faced from Christians as a nonbinary bisexual, the idea of calling myself a Christian repulsed me.

I'd face more bigotry soon enough. When I angrily posted on Facebook about a transmisogynistic robocall Michelle Duggar had made, Ella and LiLi closed in and made several disgusting, ignorant statements about trans women and LGBTQ people in general, once again using religion to gaslight and manipulate me. When I, again, tried to reason with them, they refused to listen. After comparing homosexuality to murder, saying that God didn't support "selfish" love, and assuming that queerness was based only on lust, Ella told me that gay people were just as intolerant of Christians, if not more, as I claimed she was toward us.

I just have to ask, Ella. This is just something I've been wondering for a few months now...you do realize some gay people are asexual or heterosexual (they would, in this case, be homoromantic and heterosexual), right? Queer identity isn't just about sexuality. And even if it were, even if literally everyone in the world was heteroromantic but not necessarily heterosexual, was cisgender, and was dyadic, even if we could only fall in romantic love with someone whose junk didn't match ours...what would be so horrible about consensual sex between two people with penises or two people with vaginas? Why is sexuality always considered such a negative thing? Why exactly do you care so much about other people's genitals, anyway? Why is the concept of bodily autonomy so horrific to you?

You say that you love queer people, that you feel concern for us.  I dare you to prove it. Prove it by respecting our privacy, by supporting sex education and health care that isn't heterocentric, by listening to us, by treating us as you would want to be treated. Prove it by loving us not as some creepy godly vessel on a mission to control...sorry, 'save' us...but as a human. I dare you to show us love as a human loving other humans, because that is what we all are and that is how everyone deserves to be respected. Don't support things and people that hurt us, like conversion therapy.

Do you realize there are politicians, not just in Russia or India or Uganda but right here in the US as well, that have said they would kill us all if they could get away with it? Do you realize that people who are supposed to protect us, like police officers and medical professionals, already have killed some of us and gotten away with it?

Do you realize how lucky you are, as a middle-class, able-bodied, cishet white Christian woman, that you don't fear being murdered or raped, as I and so many other queer women do? That this story, even though it's completely fiction, is actually very similar to what has actually happened to many lesbians, all over the world? That you know for certain you will never suffer the same fate as Penny Proud or Jessie Hernandez, as CeCe McDonald or Julie Decker, as Bri Golec or Lisa Trubnikova, as Britney Cosby or Crystal Jackson? Do you realize I don't have that same guarantee, but I still choose to be out because I deserve to live authentically and because I choose to fight for my queer siblings' right to do the same?

And don't compare our sexualities to murder; all that makes me think is that you lack a moral compass and that you would do far worse, including deliberately, physically hurting queer people, sex workers, and non-Christians, if you didn't fear hell.

Consensual sex, worse than murder? Honey. You really need to get your priorities in order. And stop treating sex as a sin; other people's sex lives are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Treat rape as a sin, if you want to focus on sexual sin. Because rape is the ONLY sexual sin. Be as disgusted by rape as you are now by queerness. Prioritize consent. Fight rape culture. Talk about Josh Duggar as hatefully as you would Ellen Degeneres - with one exception: DON'T pretend to love him. Treat Josh Duggar and every other rapist on the face of the Earth as the vile monsters they are. Pour your energy into that, and into validating and supporting their victims, and you might actually accomplish something real and positive.

And yes, I am intolerant of you. I do judge you, not for who you are but for how you act. I judge you for prioritizing fetuses over the people who carry them. I judge you for demanding religious freedom only for people who are basically carbon copies of yourself, while you deny it to everyone not like you. I judge you for favoring peace and quiet over justice, for wanting compliance and forgiveness when those things would only result in more suffering. I judge you for your hate and prejudice, even as you refuse to admit you have any. I judge you for assuming you have ANY place making decisions about other people's bodies. I refuse to be tolerant of that. As long as you hold these beliefs, I refuse to be tolerant of you.

I have one more thing to say to you, Ella. And to LiLi, too. I don't hate you. I pity you. You, by no fault of your own, surrounded yourself with people who encouraged and fed your ignorance. Questioning authority was discouraged. Sexuality - especially female sexuality and sexuality that differed from social norms - was taboo. Diversity and acceptance were squelched. I know this because I used to be a lot like you. And if I could change who I was back then, I would. I hope someday you'll realize why, and be angry at the system that took power, autonomy, and voice away from all of us.

Now. Let's continue.

By the end of that conversation, I was shaking with anger and with dark, self-hating thoughts. I knew they would continue and I refused to take any more abuse. I ordered Ella and her sisters to never contact me again unless it had something to do with our family; it was the only way to protect my mental health - and my physical health, too, because you can't have one without the other. When I wrote a blog post about what I'd experienced, a commenter (correctly) guessed I was queer and didn't want to come out. The comment shook me, so I lied for my own safety.

I did, however, make a post a few weeks later, revealing that I was bisexual. No one reacted negatively...not overtly and to my face, that is. But for those of you who did, fuck you. Don't think I didn't notice your biphobia and homophobia.

And here, I just want to say this to anyone in the closet: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO COME OUT. I chose to, but I had also been in a position where I had a support network, a chosen family, and ways to protect myself, had things gone south. Prioritize yourself. Your health and safety are important, and if coming out might endanger those things, you don't have to do it. If you just don't want to, you don't have to do it. No one is entitled to your identity; they shouldn't have assumed you were cishet in the first place.

I also came out publicly as bi in front of my classmates, when I had to give a speech about the American Dream and casually mentioned that one of my dreams was that I would have the right to get married, that my rights wouldn't be taken away at the word of a cishet Christian white man (*cough cough* the majority of the American government *cough*).

I found a family, forged from people who shared my blood and from people who shared my struggles and history. Other queer girls were a huge part of that. They were the sisters I never had (except for the one I fell in love with, of course) and understood me like no one else could.

I used music as a source of strength. I found the courage to come out again, as genderfluid and pagan, and later as aroflux and gray-ace. I learned about self-love. I made friends with another genderfluid, multisexual teenager, and we're starting a GSA next year at our high school. I made myself pride jewelry, visible symbols of the queer culture I'd learned to embrace. I figured out more of my own identity, carefully selecting the words I now use to describe myself.

Aroflux, gray-aromantic, and biromantic for my romantic orientation, to declare the fluidity of my attraction, my ability to love fully in ways that aren't always romantic, my rejection of amatonormativity, my frequent and predominant lack of romantic attraction, and my love for multiple genders.

Gray-ace, bisexual, and queer for my sexuality, to reclaim a slur and demand to exist, to reject the idea that sex was the height of everything, to say that it's okay to feel apathetic towards sex, to acknowledge both the sexual and asexual parts of myself, to make sense of my lack of sexual attraction, to say that I wasn't broken.

 Genderfluid, nonbinary, genderqueer, and trans, because I am both male and female and sometimes neither, because I transcend the label assigned to me at birth, because I break the social rules of gender with my very existence, because so many of my experiences are shared among my trans siblings everywhere, because I take pride in the history that shaped us.

This is my journey. I hope I can learn about yours, readers. Maybe we can learn from each other.